Update / Crazy Golfers

So, let's face facts - April was not a banner month for the JTC blog. Only 7 posts in the month (including this one), with 5 of those happening in the first 10 days. Things have definitely been a tad quiet over the last few weeks, so we'll see if we can't get the old posting output up a little to satisfy our faithful reader(s). Kudos to Co-Co for sending PChrist and myself scolding e-mails for our lack of posts. (Not really - GFY, Co-Co)

And I mean really - I should have a ton of material...I'm leaving work early (and by "early", I mean "6:15pm") every day to come home and shoot up my parents' diabetic cat. There have been all sorts of jokes about problems finding veins, strapping a belt to his arm, etc., etc. The photos I could set-up alone would be pure gold. Ah well...

In other news, last weekend I played my first round of golf for the year. I could only find two friends who were available to play, which always makes me nervous, because there's always a chance we might be grouped up with a "single" golfer to round out our foursome. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't like other people (actually, that's a lie - I don't), it's just that people who are single golfers invariably turn out to be fucking nut jobs.

They're not the type of nut jobs you would see on the TTC (now, THERE'S an idea for another post), you know - dirty, urine-soaked clothes, etc. They're far more dangerous, because they APPEAR to be normal. They're all, "Hi! You fellas don't mind if I join you, do you?" And while you want to reply, "Actually, I do mind. Why don't you have any friends? Alarm bells are ringing over here, buddy." You instead reply, "Of course not!"

Then, after 2 - 3 holes, you realize that you've committed to spending the next 4 hours with a raging psychopath. The dude we were golfing with last weekend alternated between screaming at his putts ("GET IN THERE, YOU LITTLE PRICK!") and screaming at his drives ("I GOT A HOLD OF THAT ONE!") It was all very relaxing. After the round, we got to enjoy him screaming at the Raptors game on the TV in the clubhouse.

I feel this whole phenomenon of crazy single golfers raises an interesting question: Are single golfers crazy because they golf by themselves? Or are they golfing by themselves because they're crazy? Riddle me THAT. If anyone out there wants to give me about $1 million in research funds, I will commit to getting to the bottom of this mystery.

Pabst Earnings Fall; Lowers Outlook On Weak 'Smear' Sales

SAN ANTONIO — Pabst Brewing Company [PBC-N] said its first-quarter earnings fell on disappointing sales of it's newest brand, 'Smear'.

The troubled brewer was seeing a resurgence of sales due to the cult following of it's 'Blue Ribbon' beer at US colleges and universities, and in turn invested the success into the development of their latest beer, 'Pabst Smear'.

"I just don't get it", said Theo Dominique, a local distributor we spoke to who was busy promoting Smear at a downtown nightclub, offering a free Pabst Smear to patrons.

"Head office is asking me to push the Smear, but when I talk to my buyers, they say everyone keeps asking for Pabst Blue Ribbon."

During our interview, Mr. Dominique had trouble passing out samples. "See? I can't even give the stuff away. I keep offering one, and all I get are weird faces."

Anna: The Swedish Girl Around

It's been over a year since we last checked in with our good friend Anna, so I thought I'd drop her a line and see how things were going. As usual, she's up to her old flirtatious ways. Here is an excerpt from our conversation today:

Anna: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA Canada's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?

Coco: Hi Anna. Right off the top I'd like to say you are looking beautiful today.

Anna: Thank you, my creators made me easy on the eyes. If you have any questions about IKEA please ask me and I'll be happy to help.

Coco: Actually, it had been a while since we here at JTC Inc. have checked in with you, so I have a few questions if you don't mind.

Anna: I have a vast knowledge of IKEA products, procedures and services. My creators analyze the log files of all conversations, and constantly update and improve me to better serve visitors to IKEA's website. Ask me a question and test me yourself.

Coco: Woah there Anna - aren't we going out for dinner on Friday? I'll test you myself after that. In the meantime, what are your thoughts on the new JTC Inc fan club? I'm assuming you are a member.

Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Service via e-mail. Thank you very much!

Coco: Ok, ok, stop opening pages. Sorry about the long sentences – we all know you Swedes like it short and sweet (again, more on that this Friday).

Anna: Please take a look at Swedish Sweets.

Coco: I’m looking at one, babe! Anyhow – thoughts on the fan club?

Anna: On this page you will find valuable information about hoods and fans. Would you like to browse through our range of fans in the product area?

Coco: Unless you have fans of JTC Inc in the product area, no thanks. Let’s wrap this up – are we still on for Friday my Swedish Sweet?

Anna: Which IKEA store do you want the opening hours for?

Coco: Let’s say I pick you up when you get off work - around 7pm at the North York store?

Anna: On the page that I am opening now, you can find all information about opening hours at IKEA North York.

Coco: Ok – looks like you’re open. See you, babe.

Anna: Goodbye. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Coco: My pleasure.

Anna: Great, is there anything else I can help you with?

Coco: You can take your shirt off.

Anna: Thank you for being so polite.

A Tough Way to End It, by John Ferguson, GM, The Toronto Maple Leafs

Sunday, the New Jersey Devils scored with seconds winding down to push their final game with the New York Islanders into overtime. A Devils win would have pushed us into the playoffs. Thank god the Islanders won in penalty shots. The last thing we needed was more work in the form of weeks upon weeks of ‘playoffs’ – ugh.

It was a close end to the season. On Saturday, we fucked up and came back from two goals down to defeat Montreal and eliminate them, but we held confidence in the fact that the Islanders would end it for us. Looking back, I thought we needed to get less than 92 points to avoid the playoffs. We got to 91 and we left it to chance. We ended up on the right side of the shootout, but man was that close.

Admidst the sea of cameras on the doorstep of the Leafs dressing room yesterday afternoon, my boys explained that in the end, they know what it’s all about. “I'm happy, personally," said Andrew Raycroft, the goalie who was pulled from the biggest game of the season. "I got to play a lot of games – but all the ‘work’ is over now! See y'all in five months, motherfuckers!” It’s heartwarming to hear Raycroft pat himself on the back for really pooching games when we needed him to, despite winning 37 of them.

When asked about prospects and possible changes for next year, Darcy Tucker said “My personal opinion is I don't think we're far off where we need to be to avoid a championship until after Global Warming makes the formation of ice impossible.”

Towards the end of the season, injuries to our experienced players really took the wind out of our sails. It was an opportunity for a lot of young players to come in and be productive, which made our job even harder. I’m talking about players like Colaiacovo, White, Stajan, Steen. Pohl had 13 goals, that sunofabitch! These are players who will reprimanded.

Because of our young core, we’ll be a better team next year and will have to work even harder to extend our 40 year streak of mediocrity.

But that’s what makes this team so damn exciting.

Descent into Madness '07 - A Recap

Last night, the JTC Board of Directors and several associates went out to enjoy a little something we like to call the "Descent into Madness". For a brief description of the history of this glorious event, see the end of my previous post.

Seeing how it's been a couple of years since we've had a "Descent", this year's event was aptly described by PChrist as a "rebuilding year". We were definitely a bit rusty with the old pub crawl, and there were several "lessons learned" which, I've documented below:

1) Don't leave the Descent to go play a soccer game - I really don't know what the hell I was thinking by doing this. It really cut into my drinking time and left me, later in the evening, as being more sober than anyone else - never a good spot to be in. The fact that I played like shit in said soccer game really is just salt in the wound.

Next time? Fake an injury. This is very believable, as I'm usually injured anyway.

2) Don't put Co-Co in charge - I think this exchange pretty much sums things up:

JohnnyM: "Hey - I thought we were going to the Rebel House"

Co-Co: "Yeah - we are."

JohnnyM: "But the Rebel House is south of where we are now."

Co-Co: "Really?"

JohnnyM: "Yes - really. I thought we were planning on heading north on this pub crawl."

Co-Co: "We are."

Next time? If you want something done right, do it yourself.

3) Don't have an important Leafs game on the night of the pub crawl - I'm not sure if this one is written in stone - if memory serves, during one DintoM a few years back, I clearly recall watching a Leafs playoff game at Scruffy's. Anyway - having important Leafs games really cuts down on your ability to move between bars, and if you do try to move bars, it's damn hard to get decent seats.

Next time? Ensure the Leafs have wrapped up a playoff spot months earlier, or better yet, aren't playing that night.

4) Have a proper itinerary - Back in the day, I used to have all the bars planned out with very specific time periods spent at each bar. I'd then crack the whip, and get people moving between the bars at the proper times - or leave them behind - which really kept the group going, ensuring that we hit the scheduled 4 - 5 bars.

Next time? See the response to item 2 above.

Keeping all four of these items in mind for next year will ensure that it's a night to remember. Book your calendars now - Descent into Madness '08 will be occurring on Thursday, March 20th, 2008.

On the Street...With A Cell Phone...uh....EVERYWHERE!

This afternoon at work (my real job, not JTC Inc.) I received a scathing e-mail from Co-Co, asking me why I'd been so lazy with the blog writing lately. When I pointed out that compared to PChrist, I'm about as prolific as Stephen Fucking King, he helpfully forwarded my comments to none other than PChrist. He also offered me several potential blog topics - the upcoming Descent into Madness? The "hilarious" story from Sunday where I chased after a dude in a stranger's luxury SUV who stole a Muskoka chair off my porch? Not bad options, but both ultimately unsatisfying in my opinion.

I needed something with a bit more "zing". After surfing on Facebook for an hour or two, making ludicrously witty comments on multiple people's walls, I still felt no inspiration. Wanting to see what was happening on tonight's episode of "The News", I decided to check out citynews.ca, where I came across the following picture:




Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here? In the foreground, we have a CityNews "reporter" who, thanks to the grace of gravity is apparently "on the street". She appears to be unfamiliar with the concept of cell-phone use, and either thinks that she's picked up a pocket mirror given her locked gaze, or some sort of Star Trek communicator. In the background, we see a City "News" truck, with it's broadcasting antenna up. Presumably it's picking up whatever the cell phone is being pointed at. Either that, or it's sending the Klingon's demands back to Star Fleet Command.

In other news, the Descent into Madness is a ludicrously successful and long-running pub crawl that happens every year on the Thursday before Good Friday. "Celebrating the Resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Through Massive Alcohol Consumption" as we like to say. This year the location is on the stretch of pubs on Yonge between Bloor and Summerhill. And I have a soccer game in the middle of it. Should be fun.

Also, that whole Muskoka chair/SUV thing actually happened. I'll try to write it up, if I get some time in the next few days...

Don't SMS me while I'm drinking

Just wanted to share some fun from a recent St. Paddy's day meeting of the JTC Board with our readers. Two of the three board members were present at the meeting, which was enough to maintain sweet, delicious quorum, not to mention our typically high levels of jokiness. One invited guests received what appeared to be an errant text message to their cellphone:

SMS Message from 416.726.####:
"Thanks 4 the necklace Barb, it's really cute, i have nothing like it! And thanks again 4 making it out tonight even with a midterm! Good Luck!"

Delighted by the opportunity to flex our hilarity muscle real time, the board came up with the following response:

Reply:
"Necklace is stolen. Do not attempt to remove. Trust no one."

Why Am I The Only One To Notice The Obvious?

Now, I don't want this blog to become all about the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC), but fuck it - here's another post about the TTC.

Last week, the TTC unveiled a bold and daring new vision for transit here in the city of Toronto, involving extensive building of a light rail transit system. You can tell it's going to be awesome, because if you stare at the map for long enough, and unfocus your eyes, it totally turns into a sailboat. Check it out:

This plan is going to cost $6 Billion, and take 15 years to build. Yeah - that's right - "Billion"...with a "B".

Anyhoo, there's been much hand-wringing over where the hell the money is going to come from. Hey - let me tell you something I've learned about money: if you just go ahead and spend it, you'll find it from somewhere. That type of shit just usually manages to take care of itself. I mean, you should still be responsible - for example, I wouldn't recommend putting a big chunk of that $6 Billion on a credit card (unless you can pay it back quick - think of all the points / Aeroplan miles you could get!).

So - we've ascertained that the money isn't going to be a big deal. No, my friends, the real problem is this - as previously noted, the TTC is full of assholes. If you're going to build 120 kms of new track, that's a lot of trains, and hence a lot of assholes. Where are all the assholes going to come from? I mean sure - right now at rush hour, it seems like there's an endless supply of assholes. But can we take these assholes for granted?

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to talk to all the assholes I see on the TTC, to see if they have any asshole friends who live in Toronto, but currently aren't riding the TTC, or who would consider moving to Toronto specifically to be an asshole on the TTC. If I put my mind to it, I know I can solve this looming asshole-shortage.

Asshole,

Johnny M

Questions I would like answered

1. What is up with Fillipino Nannies? Are Filipinos culturally pre-disposed to taking care of children? Why do no other countries, south-east asian or otherwise, manage to raise a comparable army of child care providers? I mean, I’ve never been to the Philippines, but from what I understand, it’s a developing country made up of several thousand lush tropical islands inhabited by a largely agrarian society. I don’t recall seeing a lot of pictures of women there wearing jogging pants and pushing six-up baby-factory strollers full of upper-middle-class white kids down the street.

2. What the hell is up with this style where girls wear dresses over their jeans? I mean, in terms of covering bare legs and crotches, I think jeans do a hell of a job – much better than a dress, particularly on a windy day, or when walking on mirrored floors. Next time I see one of these ladies, I’m going to walk over wearing a baseball hat over my toque, and ask just what the fuck is going on.

3. Why do I have to speak Italian when ordering a coffee at a Starbucks in Toronto? I want a fucking large coffee, but I have to ask for a ‘Grande’. And when the hell did someone schlepping coffee for minimum wage at a chain coffee shop become a ‘Barista’? Doesn’t that translate to ‘Barkeeper’? Can I get a beer there? Is it a bar? No? But you have a barkeeper, and you all speak Italian? Che il fotte.

It's the people I hate...

I had a discussion this past weekend with my co-habitational partner (CHP) about the subway system here in Toronto, run by the Toronto Transit Commission (or TTC). We both agreed that we love the TTC system (wildcat strikes aside), and any frustration or anger we feel when using said system is caused by the stupid fuckers who are on the buses, subways and streetcars, and not by the system itself. (Asshole streetcar operators, not withstanding.)

Why do we hate the people? Well, there are a myriad of reasons that I won't go into right now, but this morning I was witness to one of the most irritating things I see on the subway during rush hour. That's right - those assholes who insist on taking a good chunk of their belongings to work in a fucking suitcase that they wheel along behind them.

I mean - what are you taking to work that you need a goddamn piece of LUGGAGE? Imagine if everyone decided to throw out their back-packs and shoulder bags and use these monstrosities - it would be chaos! Idiots who purchase these things seem to have the same sort of self-importance and lack of courtesy as stroller-pushing parents. (Although, there's (hopefully) not a child inside their luggage.)

Blocking doorways with your carry-on? Stopping dead at the top of escalators to pull out your luggage handle? It's of no concern!

I wish I had something constructive to say at the end of this, but I don't. I just hate these fuckers.

Hate,

JohnnyM

Pulse 24/7 Watch: Death by CN Tower - Everywhere!

So when I arrived home this eve, my co-habitational partner was flipping the dial on the television and ran into good old Channel 7, Moses Znaimer's City TV. I'm not sure if newscasts can possibly be more shitty than what they churn out (as we've previously seen - that 'Strikewatch' graphic was theirs - sans wildcat of course). They are like a canadian cross between Fox News and Access Hollywood. Each night, their top stories are Crime! Traffic Accidents! Death! and it's all done really sensibly, so you finish watching the broadcast and are scared to leave your house.

Well, on tonight's "episode" of the 6pm news broadcast, they included what seemed to the be the 2515th installment of their 1,000,000 installment series titled 'Pulse 24/7 Watch: Death by CN Tower - Everywhere!'. For anyone reading our blog outside of Toronto, lately there's been a lot of ice falling from buildings in Toronto, including the CN Tower, which has recently closed highw... Who the fuck am I kidding, there's no one reading this.

Anyways, ShittyTV replayed about 5 minutes of ice-fall slow motion capture, and then cranked up the Bam! Pow! where the cameraman tracked ice colliding with other buildings. At the end of the inane broadcast, they asked for Torontonians to share their ideas about how to deal with the ice on the CN Tower. Really? I can only imagine what the morons who watch City would comment. Oh no, wait, it's all on their website.

A few of my faves from the top end of the IQ distribution:

"Shoot at the ice with police rubber bullets. Police shoot criminals with them. Why not try that?"
"Contact the GTAA [Greater Toronto Airports Authority], tell them to get some choppers and shoot some de-icing liquid at the ice. Maybe not today with the wind but when it settles."
"Have they considered using laser or magnification of light to targeted problem areas? You know like a magnifying glass reflecting the sun or using mirrors to deflect halogen or high powered lights?"
"After storms, the corporation sends workers out to look at the damage (last year, pieces of the white fabric covering the top of the tower were blown loose). Equip them with golf cleats or the like and as they rappel down the side of the tower, swinging into it, the cleats break off the ice into small chunks ... If it doesn't work, sniper rifles from condos would also dislodge it."

This shit writes itself.

Band Names

Band names seem to be getting more creative every year that passes, although there are some bland anomalies (such as the two thousand bands out there named “The insert any word here”).

In addition to our other insanely profitable ventures, JTC has entered the band naming market. During the discourse of JTC board meetings and/or emails, a phrase is sometimes used that would qualify and someone comments “Hey, that would make a great band name!”

If for purposes of record only, please find the following catalogue of band names to date (more are being created every day):

Case of the Mondays
The Reverse Danforth
Similar to Ruffles
Extreme Binge Drinking
Male Bovine Feces
Fun and Drinking
Coffee and Bran Muffins (We imagine they would be on stage saying "Hi! I'm Coffee, and these are the Bran Muffins (pointing to the rest of the band). We're going to be taking a break every 20 minutes....you know why.")
Soup to nuts
Nothing but Chaps (This could be used for a country band just as easily as an English boy’s choir)
29 Emails
Predominantly White
Champagne and Hookers
Delighter Dashboard
The REAL Lederhosen
Unprotected Swashbuckling
Huge in Denmark
Nexus of the Universe
Game of Tee
Fucking Wedding Errands
Reservations Under "John"
Securing With Jackets
Buns and/or Thighs
Convenience Charge
Interfere with Rogering
Vegetable Lasagna

Everything is starting to look like a good band name to me,
The Coco

Interesting things I've learned listening to the radio

As I'm sure many readers of this blog would agree, things just don't quite make perfect sense to you when you are a) just waking up OR b) drunk. I've had a problem with the former in the last couple weeks when listening to my radio while waking up at 5:30 am. The commercials on one of the local radio stations have been particularly unusual, so I thought I'd learn a little bit more by visting their commercial's websites:

1) Florida11 - the commercial calls on people to visit a website http://www.florida11.com/florida11/petition.php to fill in a petition to change Florida to the 11th Canadian province. Sounds perfectly reasonable, no? I believe Jeb and George W would have a small problem with that and, after reading the fine print, it is just another gimmick by those marketing geniuses at the Florida Tourism Board, who are trying to whore the state by creating a fake petition to attract a few more Canadian snowbirds. Well, it's working. According to the website 7683 people have signed - including these interesting petitioners: Castro, Fidel; Il, Kim Jong and Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud.

2) Laser Concept Therapy - Initially, I thought this one was just another hair removal offices promising women they'll never cut their legs in the shower again. Well, they've found yet another use for lasers! Apparently, blowing up intercontinental ballistic missiles wasn't the final frontier for lasers as previously thought. This commercial advertises that lasers can now help you quit smoking or lose weight with a few simple treatments - according to the website (http://laserconcepts.ca/quit.html#1). When you read into the details, the 'therapy' combines the ancient Chinese art of acupuncture with 20th century light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation technology - the perfect combination! This looks another happy client with a red glow from the side of his head:

I suppose I'm doing just what they want me to do by talking/writing about them, but I'm pretty confident nobody will be booking florida vacations or exposing themselves to cancer-causing lasers as a result of this commercial review.

Blog of the day

That's right, your favorite blog (yes, this one) has won the much coveted blog of the day award for Tuesday, February 20, 2007. According to the site, a panel of judges grants up to four awards each day "in recognition of oustanding nominees". Obviously we are honored to be part of this select pool of thousands of honorees, and I maintain that the fact that we nominated ourselves does not take away from this honor and distinction.

It goes on to say that "Being named a Blog of the Day Awards Winner can be the crowning achievement of a lifetime of work, or it can be the beginning of a new chapter in the life of a blogger". Crowning achievement? Check. New chapter in my life? Check.

Looking forward to the upcoming Miss Blog Universe pageant. Johnny M has been working to slip into that two piece for a while now.

Fuck we're good.
Coco

An open letter to all TTC streetcar riders

Lately I’ve heard and read a lot of complaints about the disposition of the Toronto Transit Commission’s streetcar drivers. My fellow riders, please offer these drivers due consideration for the high levels of stress and complexity that must deal with on a daily basis.

Sure, they may scream at riders, yell and bang their cabin to get people to move to the back, and absolutely freak out when people are surprised that the streetcar is taking a short turn (I mean, can’t they fucking see the sign on the front of the streetcar that says “SHORT TURN”?)

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you had to deal with their worries on a daily basis. For instance, consider the incredible complexity of the machine itself:

1. There is no steering wheel.
2. There are two pedals – one to make the streetcar move forward, and one to stop it from moving forward.
3. The streetcar travels at about 20 km/hr along a fixed track, and the doors open and close with the push of a button.

And consider the complexity of the job:

1. Sometimes people will be taking two vehicles during their commute, and will then ask you for a transfer. This requires you to rip a piece of paper off a pad and shove it in their hand.
2. You have to stop every time someone rings the bell.
3. People may ask for directions, or the final destination of the streetcar (this is especially aggravating, given that the driver has been doing this route daily for eight years, so obviously the rider should know where the car is going).
4. Payment can come in a variety of forms: Either people show you a transit pass, or put tokens/change into a box. The box sometimes has to be emptied by hitting a lever.

I know, I know – when you put it all together, it’s amazing NASA isn’t at the TTC train yard recruiting for astronauts. So the next time a driver yells at you for any reason, you’ll know exactly what they are dealing with, and you’ll be happy that your day wasn’t nearly as stressful as these gifted pilots.

Coco T. Monkey

Tuesday's Random Thoughts

Just a few things I felt like sharing today:

1) I was at CostCo last night. Anyone familiar with this establishment knows that anything you purchase must be bought in ridiculously high quantities. As I was picking up a giant bottle of multi-vitamins, I cast my gaze over the "club-packs" of condoms. Anyone who feels the urge to buy their condoms in bulk is either: a) enjoying a great deal of sex; or b) completely delusional. Either way - bravo, I say.

2) I really hate shitty music. I think that one of the crappiest bands that has risen to prominence over the past few years is Maroon 5. Seriously - they're shit. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be undergoing dental work than listen to them. Well, today I got to compare and contrast these situations. I was at the dentist, being worked on by the hygienist (aka "The Butcher"). Imagine my surprise - as she dug that metal pointy thing into my gums for the 15th time - when "She Will Be Loved" came on the radio. My eyes were watering with the pain, but I'm not sure if the source was my mouth or my ears. Excruciating.

3) I really love good music. The best CD I've bought this year is by a band called The Kooks. You should check out a couple of their songs on their myspace site here. Their show in Toronto on May 8th has recently been moved to a larger venue (The Guvernment), so it's no longer sold out. I highly recommend you (both?) all go.

That is all.

Valentine's Day Cards

There are some that say that Valentine's Day is a "made-up", "manufactured", or "Hallmark" holiday, like "Flag Day", "Columbus Day", or "Easter". You know what I say? "That's bullshit."


Valentine's Day is probably one of the most important days on the JohnnyM personal calendar. Why? Because it's one of the days we can plan a JTC product launch around.


Here at JTC headquarters, we have literally been inundated with requests for Valentine's Day cards. Never being ones to disappoint our reader(s), please find attached our latest hit product line:

Coming to a head

In my particular work environment, a soul-crushing cube farm where several dozen male employees share the same bathroom, certain unspoken etiquette within those facilities is called for. This topic has been widely written about, so I won’t venture into the details of this silent code except to say that if you are unfamiliar with it, you’re likely one of the abnormal specimens the policy was written for.

The code should be part of mandatory employee testing. As I said, I don’t want to get into it, but I’ve witnessed countless infractions in the past few months (such as a complete lack of attempt to cover up errant noises by flushing/coughing, attempting conversation mid-urination, and unnecessary delay time while those in stalls wait for a private moment).

Just now, I witnessed an outlandish violation of the code that has left me a little disgusted, and my bathroom experience that much creepier. As I walked in, some dude took a giant wad of paper towel, soaked it, turned to face me with a blank stare, and then proceeded to a stall, locking himself in. There were noises.

It’s not supposed to be like this. Not like this.

JTC Movie Reviews

Seen any good movies lately? Me neither. It really does seem like there's a lot of crap out there these days. What we all need is someone to tell us whether movies are any good, and if they're worth the $20 it will cost you to sit in a theatre, "enjoying" the company of your fellow movie-goers, as you marvel at the apparent shallowness of the gene pool.

As always, JTC has jumped in, and decided to fill this gaping void. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm actually going to movies, evaluating them, and then writing a well thought out review. Who has time for that shit? Rather, I'm going to look at movie posters, make what will likely be wildly accurate assumptions about the plot and characters, and then pass judgement.

Let's begin.

Music and Lyrics

Finally! Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore have decided to leave those lame-ass romantic comedies behind, and make something a bit more edgy. Ripped from the headlines (from 10 years ago), this gritty movie focuses on the seemy underbelly of prostitution in the USA, as Hugh's character attempts to convince Drew's character to become a hooker by inviting her over to his place, and then proceeding to receive a blow job from a prostitute he just picked up (not pictured). Truly gripping - and the ironic opening date of Valentine's Day? Unprecendented.

9/10.

Norbit

A tender tale of love and misunderstanding, cast against the backdrop of racial tension in the deep south. Eddie Murphy gives a tour de force performance both as a guy who looks and acts just like him, but also as a really, really fat chick. Mr Murphy - do not be surprised if a little gold gentleman I like to call "Oscar" comes a-calling. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll leave the theatre, and call all of your black friends just to say, "hey".

8/10.

Hannibal Rising

A historical documentary, detailing the incredible journey of the Carthaginian general Hannibal, as he attempted to destroy the Roman Empire by leading his army over the Alps (hence, the "Rising") and into Italy. Did you know that Hannibal took elephants with him? Everyone knows that Italians are terrified of elephants, so that was pretty damn smart. This movie loses some points though - I totally would have put a couple elephants on the poster for marketing purposes (elephants - they're this year's penguin), and what's up with the mask on the dude's face? I'm assuming that if you're about to start one of the Punic Wars, you want to be able to breathe freely.

6/10.

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is a strong word. And it takes a strong man to use a strong word. Fortunately, I'm fucking ripped.

I hate Ticketmaster (henceforth referred to as "Ticketbastard".) One of the things I hate about Ticketbastard is their bizarre math. For example, let's pretend I want to go see the three-headed bizarro dinosaur mentioned in my previous post play the LA Clippers tomorrow afternoon. I find 2 upper bowl seats at the ACC, at the price of $56.60 each. How much should I have to pay for these seats? If you answered $113.20 you're:

a) pretty good at math; and
b) incredibly naive.

In fact, purchasing the aforementioned pair of tickets would cost you $133.45. You see, you need to include the convenience charge, the order processing charge, and the TicketFast deliver charge. For some concerts, there's even a "Facility Fee", which caused one JTC Executive member to comment, "If I'm paying to keep the place clean, I'm planning on urinating in the corner."

A further recent innovation by Ticketbastard, designed to prevent scalpers from mass-purchasing tickets, is the requirement to type in a series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen prior to searching for the tickets. Unfortunately, this process also unfairly discriminates against the able-sighted, as the series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen frequently don't resemble anything on my keyboard. For example:

WTF? Let's just start with that "letter" that's right in the middle. Is that a "D"? An "O"? A "0"? There's nothing more enjoyable than realizing that a concert or sporting event that you desperately want to attend is in the process of selling out, as you head-butt your keyboard, hoping that the random series of characters your forehead produces somehow matches what these (ticket) bastards are looking for.

To avoid the keyboard head-butting, sometimes I call the baboons at the Ticketbastard call centre. On one occasion, I called the US Ticketbastard phone number, as I was planning on attending an event in Buffalo. During the call, I "enjoyed" this exchange:

Baboon: "You're from Canada?"

JohnnyM: "Yes."

Baboon: "I really like Canada Dry ginger ale."

JohnnyM: "That's terrific."

Bottom line: I think I can safely state that I truly hate Ticketbastard. And you should too.