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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Don't SMS me while I'm drinking

Just wanted to share some fun from a recent St. Paddy's day meeting of the JTC Board with our readers. Two of the three board members were present at the meeting, which was enough to maintain sweet, delicious quorum, not to mention our typically high levels of jokiness. One invited guests received what appeared to be an errant text message to their cellphone:

SMS Message from 416.726.####:
"Thanks 4 the necklace Barb, it's really cute, i have nothing like it! And thanks again 4 making it out tonight even with a midterm! Good Luck!"

Delighted by the opportunity to flex our hilarity muscle real time, the board came up with the following response:

"Necklace is stolen. Do not attempt to remove. Trust no one."

Monday, March 19, 2007

Why Am I The Only One To Notice The Obvious?

Now, I don't want this blog to become all about the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC), but fuck it - here's another post about the TTC.

Last week, the TTC unveiled a bold and daring new vision for transit here in the city of Toronto, involving extensive building of a light rail transit system. You can tell it's going to be awesome, because if you stare at the map for long enough, and unfocus your eyes, it totally turns into a sailboat. Check it out:

This plan is going to cost $6 Billion, and take 15 years to build. Yeah - that's right - "Billion"...with a "B".

Anyhoo, there's been much hand-wringing over where the hell the money is going to come from. Hey - let me tell you something I've learned about money: if you just go ahead and spend it, you'll find it from somewhere. That type of shit just usually manages to take care of itself. I mean, you should still be responsible - for example, I wouldn't recommend putting a big chunk of that $6 Billion on a credit card (unless you can pay it back quick - think of all the points / Aeroplan miles you could get!).

So - we've ascertained that the money isn't going to be a big deal. No, my friends, the real problem is this - as previously noted, the TTC is full of assholes. If you're going to build 120 kms of new track, that's a lot of trains, and hence a lot of assholes. Where are all the assholes going to come from? I mean sure - right now at rush hour, it seems like there's an endless supply of assholes. But can we take these assholes for granted?

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to talk to all the assholes I see on the TTC, to see if they have any asshole friends who live in Toronto, but currently aren't riding the TTC, or who would consider moving to Toronto specifically to be an asshole on the TTC. If I put my mind to it, I know I can solve this looming asshole-shortage.

Johnny M

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Questions I would like answered

1. What is up with Fillipino Nannies? Are Filipinos culturally pre-disposed to taking care of children? Why do no other countries, south-east asian or otherwise, manage to raise a comparable army of child care providers? I mean, I’ve never been to the Philippines, but from what I understand, it’s a developing country made up of several thousand lush tropical islands inhabited by a largely agrarian society. I don’t recall seeing a lot of pictures of women there wearing jogging pants and pushing six-up baby-factory strollers full of upper-middle-class white kids down the street.

2. What the hell is up with this style where girls wear dresses over their jeans? I mean, in terms of covering bare legs and crotches, I think jeans do a hell of a job – much better than a dress, particularly on a windy day, or when walking on mirrored floors. Next time I see one of these ladies, I’m going to walk over wearing a baseball hat over my toque, and ask just what the fuck is going on.

3. Why do I have to speak Italian when ordering a coffee at a Starbucks in Toronto? I want a fucking large coffee, but I have to ask for a ‘Grande’. And when the hell did someone schlepping coffee for minimum wage at a chain coffee shop become a ‘Barista’? Doesn’t that translate to ‘Barkeeper’? Can I get a beer there? Is it a bar? No? But you have a barkeeper, and you all speak Italian? Che il fotte.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

It's the people I hate...

I had a discussion this past weekend with my co-habitational partner (CHP) about the subway system here in Toronto, run by the Toronto Transit Commission (or TTC). We both agreed that we love the TTC system (wildcat strikes aside), and any frustration or anger we feel when using said system is caused by the stupid fuckers who are on the buses, subways and streetcars, and not by the system itself. (Asshole streetcar operators, not withstanding.)

Why do we hate the people? Well, there are a myriad of reasons that I won't go into right now, but this morning I was witness to one of the most irritating things I see on the subway during rush hour. That's right - those assholes who insist on taking a good chunk of their belongings to work in a fucking suitcase that they wheel along behind them.

I mean - what are you taking to work that you need a goddamn piece of LUGGAGE? Imagine if everyone decided to throw out their back-packs and shoulder bags and use these monstrosities - it would be chaos! Idiots who purchase these things seem to have the same sort of self-importance and lack of courtesy as stroller-pushing parents. (Although, there's (hopefully) not a child inside their luggage.)

Blocking doorways with your carry-on? Stopping dead at the top of escalators to pull out your luggage handle? It's of no concern!

I wish I had something constructive to say at the end of this, but I don't. I just hate these fuckers.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Pulse 24/7 Watch: Death by CN Tower - Everywhere!

So when I arrived home this eve, my co-habitational partner was flipping the dial on the television and ran into good old Channel 7, Moses Znaimer's City TV. I'm not sure if newscasts can possibly be more shitty than what they churn out (as we've previously seen - that 'Strikewatch' graphic was theirs - sans wildcat of course). They are like a canadian cross between Fox News and Access Hollywood. Each night, their top stories are Crime! Traffic Accidents! Death! and it's all done really sensibly, so you finish watching the broadcast and are scared to leave your house.

Well, on tonight's "episode" of the 6pm news broadcast, they included what seemed to the be the 2515th installment of their 1,000,000 installment series titled 'Pulse 24/7 Watch: Death by CN Tower - Everywhere!'. For anyone reading our blog outside of Toronto, lately there's been a lot of ice falling from buildings in Toronto, including the CN Tower, which has recently closed highw... Who the fuck am I kidding, there's no one reading this.

Anyways, ShittyTV replayed about 5 minutes of ice-fall slow motion capture, and then cranked up the Bam! Pow! where the cameraman tracked ice colliding with other buildings. At the end of the inane broadcast, they asked for Torontonians to share their ideas about how to deal with the ice on the CN Tower. Really? I can only imagine what the morons who watch City would comment. Oh no, wait, it's all on their website.

A few of my faves from the top end of the IQ distribution:

"Shoot at the ice with police rubber bullets. Police shoot criminals with them. Why not try that?"
"Contact the GTAA [Greater Toronto Airports Authority], tell them to get some choppers and shoot some de-icing liquid at the ice. Maybe not today with the wind but when it settles."
"Have they considered using laser or magnification of light to targeted problem areas? You know like a magnifying glass reflecting the sun or using mirrors to deflect halogen or high powered lights?"
"After storms, the corporation sends workers out to look at the damage (last year, pieces of the white fabric covering the top of the tower were blown loose). Equip them with golf cleats or the like and as they rappel down the side of the tower, swinging into it, the cleats break off the ice into small chunks ... If it doesn't work, sniper rifles from condos would also dislodge it."

This shit writes itself.