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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Four Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

Hello, friends.

It won't come as a surprise to many people (apart from, perhaps, the billions of people that don't read this blog), that 2009 was not a banner year for JTC. I mean, if we include what I'm currently writing, we only had 14 posts this year. Compare that to the stretch of 2006 - 2008, when our worst year was 45 posts, and our best was 55, and you can see there was a wee bit of a 'gap' there.

Not to worry, I'm sure we're going to pick things up in 2010. I mean, it's a whole new decade! The possibilities are endless.

Well, here we are at the end of another year on the corporate calendar, and as per my annual custom, I am proud to present the email sign-offs that my fellow JTC members and I have shared throughout the year. If - like me - you agree that this is some funny, funny shit, I thoroughly encourage you to check out the 2006, 2007, and 2008 versions.

Anyway - on with the show:

Tacking on a couple hundred to what you owe me will also make it seem like ‘free money’,
Case of the Mondays,
I’m sure you’re no stranger to needing to give your ass a break,
Make it so, number 1,
I originally wrote, “I’ve gotta be out of her by 4:30pm”, which sounds pretty dirty,
I am a cunt,
You’re a cunt,
You had me at “alcohol permitted”,
Ruby just puked on me, and I couldn't be happier not to be at work,
And Fokker I did!,
Dropping f-bombs like I’m in the Luftwaffe, flying over London in 1940/41,
‘Toot-toot’ goes my own horn,
Toonces - look out!,
Firing at innocent bystanders,
I’ll be in the bathroom swinging from a noose if you’re looking for me,
I wonder if the smell of the tulip fields will bother her,
I’m calling you a cougar,
What I’m trying to say is “I don’t like you”,
Your favorite luddite,
Considering starting my weekend now, by riding the subway home with no shirt on,
None of our usual clipart – nuclear explosion, gun to head, or donkey – can sum up my thoughts on this matter,
While hindsight may provide you with 20/20 vision, it doesn’t provide the cool shit that a poorly thought out spending spree does,
I’m thinking of signing up for Ironman China, just so I can write “yellow fever” in the “pre-existing medical conditions” section of the application form,
It’s not racist if I’m saying I like them,
Realizing I’m starting to sound like a psychopath,
Hey guy who is going through our emails after firing us: how was this one?,
It’s probably because I’m totally racist,
Deflecting work and delegating it up (her) like a pro,
Still don't think he knows my name,
Alcohol - its that cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems,
Asshole by association,
GFY you fucking Path expert,
And by "relax" I mean "train for one of the longest endurance races you'll ever run",
My whole life revolves around Superman and cereal,
I am in your head,
On Saturday evening, I was so desperate for a beer that I drove to the liquor store, and specifically bought a six pack from the “chilled” section,
I want to shoot myself,
Shooting up the CAAT,
Good thing I know that you’re a fucking idiot,
Bavarian nachos? Sounds sexual,
Make sure you say hi to my favorite band Beer Garden,
Fucking fuckity fuck fuck,
You’re probably thinking, “There’s got to be more to life”. Well – there isn’t,
You just wrote that fucking email so you could pad the annual signoff list, you slick bastard,
She might shoot you in the head,
Not sexist or racist,
He’s HER boy,
I’m just trying to bulk up the JTC 2009 sign off list? You’re fucking crazy,
And by, “it’s all good” I mean, “these ignorant buffoons will likely do a horrendous job”,
Besides, other than this permanently archived, easily accessible email thread, no one can prove you knew anything,
Where the hell is the ethics hotline number,
You're fucking right I'm filling up your 'JTC '09 sign-offs' folder,
And by "it's a language barrier", I mean "he's a fucking idiot",
Shower rape,
We have a blog?,
Karma Kramer,
I doubt there is anyone over 50 in Scotland who has their original liver,
Going to wait to tell you I might not be able to make it next Thursday,
Not violently angry at all,
Friday is Hawaiian shirt day,
Today I woke up and asked myself “Is This Good for the Company?”,
I prefer high-balling,
It’s actually SARS/Ebola,
Germans are to canines as hookers are to cocaine,
"Hot Canine/Drinking/German Action",
And squeeze your ass,
If we have very little left to live for, at least we have hilarious signoffs,
I pretty much had sex with my dog trying to keep warm,