Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Chronicles of Loneliness - Volume 1

I am now utterly alone. I have been in this office a thousand times…it’s never looked so strange. The faces…so cold. In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless…a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches…my heart aches…without my fellow JTC Board Members, I am nothing.

Yes – that’s right: Co-Co and PChrist have headed off to Europe for a tour of fabulous male-only bath houses, and Euro-Dance halls. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Prior to their leaving, they said they were heading out to get matching leather “lederhosen”, and I found the following translations on their desk:

English: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do swing that way.
German: Ja in Wirklichkeit schwinge ich so.

English: I feel you and I were meant to be together, Hanz.
German: Ich glaube, daß du und ich bedeutet wurden, um zusammen zu sein, Hanz.

For some reason, I was not invited along on their trip, so I now find myself in a humour vacuum. I guess I’m going to have to figure out what I’m actually supposed to be doing here at “work” most days, and start doing that.

More updates as events warrant.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Dark Continent: Alex Trebek's Sojourn to Troubled Africa

Last week I was dispatched as part of JTC Inc's world news service to central Africa to report on the plight of the African people, and I was joined by Alex Trebek, host of TV's Jeopardy!

Alex shared some of his insights and experiences in his personal quest to help the ailing continent.

Coco: "Hi Alex, thanks for joining me today. It seems AIDS continues to have a far greater impact here than on any other continent."

Alex: "What is Africa?"

Coco: "An interesting question - what is 'Africa', indeed. According to the UN's "Aids Epidemic Update", of the three million AIDS deaths in 2000, Africa accounted for 2.4 million - 80% of the total. However, it seems that when the problem first emerged, a few countries acted quickly to combat it's spread..."

Alex: "What is Uganda, Senegal and Zambia?"

Coco: "That's right. They began with health and education programs, distributed condoms and made same-day HIV testing available. However, some countries lost valuable time by not acting quickly..."

Alex: "What is Botswana?"

Coco: "Yes, Botswana, where it's estimated that one third of today's 15 year olds will die of AIDS."

Alex: "What is an outright tragedy? At this point I would like to change categories - I'll go with 'Alex's Career' for $200"

Coco: "Sure, let's talk about your career. You've recently had quite an honor bestowed upon yourself - tell us about that."

Alex: "What is 'being inducted to Canada's Walk of Fame'. I'll take 'wrapping up the interview' for $800, Coco."

Coco: "Well, thanks for your time today and good luck in the future."

Alex: "What is... a parting comment at the end of my interview?"

Friday, June 02, 2006

You're awesome

Do you know those people who won't stop talking about themselves? And how great they are? I do.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Yes, you can speak to the head of the household

So until the CRTC sets up the Canadian telemarketing 'no-call' list similar to the one in the US, we all have to put up with unsolicited corporations who really would like to get to know a bit more about us over the phone, and especially when you just sat down to eat, or are expecting an important call and therefore run the phone.

I've heard many ways of dealing creatively with these calls, such as picking up the phone and leaving it off the hook, asking them for their home phone number, etc. All good times. Tonight I lost my mind, however, and I wanted to share the dialogue.

Coco: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hi there, can I speak to Mr. Monkey?"

Coco: "Only if he can speak to a telemarketer."

Caller: "Ok, um, my name is Darren and I'm calling from Volkswagen. I'm calling about recent service you had - do you have time for a quick survey about your service experience?"

Coco: "I have a survey of my own - do you have some time?"

Darren: "Um, the survey should only take a few minutes."

Coco: "Ok, I'll keep my survey to a few minutes. First question - you've asked me to do a survey; how likely do you think it is that I will actually do your survey - very likely, likely or not likely?"

Darren: "You don't have to participate if you don't wish to, but your input is highly valued as a Volkswagen customer."

Coco: "Second question - How soon do you think I will hang up? Immediately, ten seconds from now, or five minutes from now. Remember, your answer should be based on your own personal experiences."

Darren: "Thanks for your time today, Mr. Monkey."

You aren't funny, so stop emailing shitty jokes