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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tales of Hypocrisy! - Volume 1

Both of you probably remember my searing insightful - yet hilarious - post about people who sit in the wrong seats on airplanes and sporting events.

Well, last Tuesday night CoCo and myself were at the Leafs game (shockingly, they lost in a shoot out), and we...uh...sat in the wrong seats. I honestly don't know what happened. When I walked in the stairwell, I made eye contact with the usher who apparently recognized me and said, "You know where you're going." Apparently not. For those of you who don't like to click on links, I'll refresh your memories as to how I previously referred to these fine folks:

"Additionally, there are ushers (aka "Idiot Gate-Keepers") at every entrance into each section to direct illiterate morons."


When we sat down, I...uh...kicked someone out of one of the seats (that wasn't mine). Fortunately, he was an idiot too, and was sitting in the wrong seat. When the rightful owner of the seat I'd planted my fat ass in showed up, I realized I'd made the old "section 318 - section 319 switcheroo". As we moved to the correct seats, I thanked the sweet Lord that the game hadn't started (and that the Leafs weren't on a power play).

Just to show you how strong of character I am, when we took our correct seats, I decided to try and pin our misfortune on my good friend CoCo, with the following exchange:

JohnnyM: "What the hell happened there?"
CoCo: "I don't know."
JohnnyM: "Was that you or me that caused that?"
CoCo: "I'm pretty sure that was you."
JohnnyM: "Son of a bitch."

Sweet fancy Moses, I am a dumb bastard.

Speaking of dumb bastards, the Leafs sent naked cell phone guy down to the minors on Saturday. Just to show that his judgement is still exceptional when it comes to pictures of himself, check out the pic attached to this story.

Friday, October 17, 2008

JTC's guide to naming a PGA Tour event

Just follow this simple formula, and you'll end up with a great name for a tournament:

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm Pretty Sure I'm The Coolest Guy I Know

Last week I went for a run. It was pretty long, so I ended up back in my old 'hood here in Toronto, at the intersection of Yonge and Eglinton. I was about to head off the busy streets, away from all the traffic and people, but something made me want to run up Yonge...it was my rampant alcoholism.

You see, as previously mentioned, we've been pretty bummed out ever since the Rose and Crown shut down. And yet, we've also been fairly excited ever since our fan told us that the Rose was going to "bloom again". (As an aside, that's pretty gay. Not that sexuality has anything to do with it.) Also, I'd recently seen some ads on the subway advertising "Alexander Keith's Birthday Party" on October 5th, with one of the locations being none other than the Rose and Crown. (As another aside, how many birthdays does this fucker have? When I visited the Keith's brewery in Halifax, it was his birthday that night too! As an aside to the aside, my CHP told me to "tone done the swearing on the blog". WTF?)

Anyway, I ran north up Yonge, which is not a bright idea at around 6:30pm, as the sidewalk is just jammed with peeps. Interestingly, I was at almost the exact spot where I had previously enjoyed a foot race in the opposite direction. As I ran, I was forced to dodge between pedestrians, a bus shelter, and various utility poles. As I made one particularly quick move around a parked bicycle, I somehow managed to catch the wire from my headphones around said bicycle. I kept moving; the headphones did not. "Shit!" I loudly exclaimed, much to the dismay of a passing 8 year old.

I walked back to the bike, where somehow, my headphones had managed to get tangled around the spokes of one wheel. As I tried to quickly unwrap my headphones - avoiding eye contact with the numerous passers-by - I was thinking how awesome it would be if the owner of the bike had suddenly appeared. Unfortunately, they did not, and I was soon on my way.

Which is why I'm pretty sure I'm the coolest guy I know.

Oh yeah - and the Rose is still shut.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A war is upon us

Nation, we are engaged in a war that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of Vancouver to the Rocky Mountains. This war is going to take many turns, and the enemy, Bears, must be defeated.

Bears have made it clear that British Columbia is the central front in their war against humanity. As we fight the enemy in B.C., every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the ruthlessness of the enemy we face, something a great neighbour to the south has been been doing for years.

These bears share the same ideology as the terrorists who struck the United States on September the 11th. They share the same ideology with those who blew up commuters in London and Madrid, and murdered tourists in Bali. Just last weekend, they attempted to massacre a B.C. native, Jim West, and in September, a group of fishermen armed with gaffs and knives heroically killed a black bear that launched a suicide attack on a boat at a dock in Port Renfrew.

This is an enemy without conscience, and they cannot be appeased. If we're not fighting and destroying these Bears in B.C., they would be plotting and killing Canadians across the world and in other provinces.

Against this adversary there is only one effective response: We will never back down, we will never give in, and we will never accept anything less than complete victory.

Some are calling for a deadline for withdrawal from B.C. Many advocating an artificial timetable for withdrawing Canadians are sincere, but I believe they're sincerely wrong. Pulling our Canadians out before they've achieved their purpose is not a plan for victory. As Jacques Drisdelle, B.C. provincial co-ordinator of Bear Aware said recently, "Bears should never be tolerated. Setting an artificial timetable would discourage Canadians because it seems to be heading for the door. It will encourage the Bears."

Mr. Disdelle is right: Setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would send a message to all of Mother Nature’s violent creates that Canada is weak. Setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would send a signal to our enemies that if they wait long enough, humanity will cut and run. And setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would vindicate the terrorist Bear tactics of maulings, honey pot stealing and garbage raiding, and invite more attacks on humans.

And like fascism and communism before, the hateful ideologies of Bears that use terror will be defeated by the unstoppable power of freedom. We will answer history's call with confidence because we know that freedom is the destiny of every man, woman, child and spawning salmon on this Earth. Nature-loving, bear-killing Canadians: Our freedom and our way of life are in your hands, and I believe they're in the best of hands.