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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wrong email to the wrong guy

Before you read this chronological thread, a couple of disclaimers:

1. All names and email addresses have been censored, and

2. I was very pissed off at work, this is not who I normally am, and

3. If you send me an unsolicited email, buy a hat.

With that, I present an email exchange I had while "working" today:

From: jack@.com [mailto:jack@.com]
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2010 9:43 AM
To: ctmonkey@gmail.com
Subject: Class

Hi John- we sent an extensive e mail last Sunday re the class and have not heard back from you ...for feedback. Then I just received an e mail from Kien saying for us to communicate with you ??? Thought that is what we did. So we are confused??? Please advise.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
To: jack@.com
Subject: RE: Class
Sent: Sep 10, 2010 7:59 AM

ctmonkey@gmail.com is my email - you have the wrong email

From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 16:24:11 2010
Subject: Re: Class

Coco- sorry for the inconvenience not sure what the problem is but your e mail comes up Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com not ctmonkey@gmail.com. The person I am e mailing is John and that is his e mail. So you may want to check it out w gmail. John has had this email for some time and I have always e mailed him there. Sorry again.

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 16:50:35
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class


My email is ctmonkey@gmail.com. I know that because I use it to check my gmail, and people who I actually know email me using it. I also have my gmail set up to forward to my coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com email account. That forwarding, not coincidentally, is the precise reason I'm replying to your emails and doing my damndest to convince you that you have the wrong email. Another fabulous clue that might lead you to believe me is the very non-response you are investigating.

Why don't you noodle this for a while: you keep emailing a guy and he doesn't respond, then you finally get a response by an annoyed recipient telling you that you've emailed the wrong address. You sum this up and conclude that the guy you're trying to reach is being non-responsive, and I'm somehow magically intercepting your emails, and I'm also mistaken about my own email address.

Once you've noodled that, if your conclusion is the same, please let me know and I will quickly find the nearest insane asylum to your current location where we can get you the help you need.

Best and most respectful regards,
Coco Monkey

Ps - the fact that my name is Coco Monkey and I'm getting emails you send to ctmonkey@gmail.com - yet another fantastic clue!

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:03:39 2010
Subject: Re: Class

So is that apology accepted? I was saying sorry that happened in case u forgot in your rant... and u both have the same address so good luck w that and have a nice day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 17:10:27
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class


You're a genius and I'm obviously not a worthy challenge. I tried to lead you astray, but your Mensa membership is going to stay in good standing - yes, we absolutely have the same email address. Not only is that possible on this planet, but your planet too!

If you'd like, I could really blow your mind and respond from ctmonkey@gmail.com just to prove it. But you know what happens when two contradicting thoughts are held in the same head, don't you Jack.

Well done, and keep up the good work. If not for me, if for mankind.

Regards from planet Earth,

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:12:19 2010
Subject: Re: Class

My names not jack
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Monkey, Coco
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:14 PM
Subject: Fw: Class
To: "ctmonkey@gmail.com"

Dear Coco Monkey,

Please confirm this mad-hatter is crazy. For both of us.

Coco Monkey

Ps - His name isn't Jack.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Coco Monkey
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:17 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Class
To: jack@.com

Iif you're not wearing a hat already, go out to a hat store, buy a hat, put it on and hold the heck on to it.

Jackie boy - check this out! It's me, er I mean us, Coco Monkey, responding from my gmail account.

Love always,

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Five Years on the Fake Corporate Calendar

Yeah...we've been kinda quiet lately. AND we didn't even post anything about the G20 summit, which - as a few people have pointed out, including a commenter on the previous post - would be right in this "anarchist asshole"s wheel house. I would like to say that we did actually have a JTC G20 pub crawl, and a JTC G20 golf day. We spent the first 10 minutes of the pub crawl fixing the world's issues with the economy, the environment and maternal health (you're welcome) before we switched our focus to getting pants-shitting drunk. Still - no posts about ANY of that? Poor show.

Well - here's more good news for our reader(s): I'm leaving the country for the next four months to go travelling around Asia. Due to the wonder of the interweb, my travels don't mean that no posts will happen from me while I'm away, but they don't exactly make it more likely, I'd say.

So, let's cut to the chase...before I go, I wanted to make sure I sent out my annual "sign-offs" list. If you're not sure what this is, it's basically a listing of some of the funnier email sign-offs that we here at JTC Inc. have shared with each other over the past few months. If you love it (and who wouldn't) you can check out last year's post (which also has links to all previous versions).

On with the show (and if you keep your eyes peeled, you may even see a couple of G20-related ones in there):

I think I'd be happy for you if I wasn't so murderously jealous,

I can smell the turducken on his breath,

Completely covered in ears,

This is a bad place to work when you have a low tolerance for idiocy,

He's like a chicken that is stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey,

On the plus side, Paraguayan literacy exceeds 91%,

What am I doing at work? Watching soccer and sending you emails,

I believe it’s pronounced “FUCKING A”,

As serious as yellow fever is to the thousands of men affected each year,

Enjoy your Molotov cocktails,

I don’t capitalize “god” because I’m a jackass atheist,

Trading derivatives in the nude,

I am only thinking of his a-skillszzaa,

Up is down! Fast is slow!,

Apart from organizing the best fucking G20-themed non-G20 summit EVER!,

Miss B – she’s gonna SCHOOL YAZ!,

I'm tearing that fence down in a violent protest awash in blood and tear gas, and then we'll have a beer on your porch,

I heart anarchy,

This will give us more time for looting,

It’s not embezzling if it’s your friends,

I'm pretty sure all of those guys combined have the intelligence of a potted plant,

Don't you dare tell me I'm not properly executing a move named after me,

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers,

Happy Fingers,

I can’t believe you fucked that up,

Between you and Pete with his fucking 'happy fingers', it's no wonder we don't get anything done,

We are going steady,


Drooling like a dog in a butcher shop,

I’m like Nostradamus, only white,

Stupid beautiful pristine wilderness,

The English - all of 'em - hate,

Scheduling company meetings around fake company golfing,

Looking forward to seeing your bleeding scabby face,

You're a 2010 signoff list slut,

*darth vader telling you to stop being such a fucking girl*,

Labia are what I'm referring to,

Why don’t you get yourself a cob of well-buttered roasted corn,

I’d love to report to me,

THIS is an email that could get me fired,

Candor – it’s rarely good,

Optimism – it’s for assholes,

Thursday – it’s the new Friday,

Drinking beer, playing Golden Tee and going to a Leafs game with Johnny M is absolutely excruciating,

We’re buying beers at the ACC tomorrow night – we need to save all the money we can,

Neon Indian giver,

The cup is round,

‘Business Architect’? Why not ‘Business City Planner’?,

Just another day at the office saving lives,

The only borders these doctors don’t seem to respect are those of common courtesy,

High five,

Together, we are the equivalent on one man / fan,


Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks,

Why is it taking you so fucking long to do this, and thanks again, it’s a huge favour,

I can play your game, asshole,

"As is" - swedish for "better",

Urban Sprawl – It Grows On You!,

Consider my fancy tickled,

Discuss "real" company business at a "fake" company meeting?,

The thing about German food is no matter how much you eat you’re still hungry for power,

Fucking Cyprus!,

Watch those hands, SEXYMOMMA!,

I also find myself culturally insensitive,

Sounds like something Coco would be into,

Of course - Absolute zero!,

Let us never talk of 2009 again,

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Odds and ends: The best place to slaughter a pig, and make her open the box

Hi folks! We are not dead! Although that news may disappoint our reader (pluralizing that word always feels like I am being too optimistic about our fan base), we are just being the lazy muppets that our soul-crushing Corporate jobs have trained us to be. So to break the silence, here are two items for now:

The best place to slaughter a pig

So my co-board members and pretty much everyone I know often gest playfully at my (poor commitment to) vegetarianism. Most comments are related to me ruining every meal, or revolve around linkages between my purported homosexuality and choice not to eat anything that had parents (or sometimes, anything that casts a shadow). Often I still find ways to take pride in my efforts to curb the environmental impacts of our absurd overconsumption of meat, surprisingly, but unfortunately, some fuckers still have to find a way to make vegetarianism as fluffy as a kitten, and as a result, not helping my gayputation. Other than slaughtering a pig in the middle of Yonge street in front of this parade in protest of it, I could easily spend hours thinking up incredibly hilarious anti-vegetarian signs and or costumes, and write about them here for your enjoyment. But as mentioned off the top, I am way too lazy, so this is it kids. Speaking of cock-teasing...

Make her open the box

Not much to this one, but driving past this makes me giggle every time, especially when my CHP says Make her open the box! as we drive by. Many JTC board members are huge fans of this incredibly awesome and historically important SNL skit, and if you really enjoy that, spotting this purveyor of hard, long docks is just hilarious to me. (Spotted on highway 400 just south of Innisfil, Ontario):

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Iceland: When you’re covered in lava, it might be time to rethink your name

The world’s largest air traffic hub, Heathrow, grinds to a halt as the UK and surrounding areas are engulfed in plumes of ashes from an Icelandic eruption. It’s quite a story, and shows how Mother Nature can get in between you and your discount European dreams (so respect her, dammit!). But what the press is missing is root cause analysis. While the impact on us flying fat cats is some good infotainment of it’s own, I implore you to consider what might have contributed to this situation. I’ve run the numbers, and can confirm it’s due to a number of factors.

Factor 1: Plate Tectonics
They’re plates. Bigger than dinner plates. They have liquid hot stuff underneath them. They move around. That molten stuff gets restless and squeaks out like a giant pimple out of the earth’s crust. God (obviously) comes down and squeezes the white (in this case, red and smokey) pimple head, and then the pimple heals. But it doesn’t really go away. It’s one of those problem pimples, the ones that keep coming back. Leaves a scar when you’re older. Then you see a dermatologist, and all they want to do is give you drugs. But you don’t take them, and you have a scar that reminds you of the days when you had a lot of pimples, but not so much anymore, because you’re older, and suddenly getting older isn’t so bad. That’s exactly how it works. Class dismissed.

Factor 2: Bjork
She’s Icelandic. Her music is really fucking loud (and sometimes really, really soft at certain parts), and then IT’S REALLY LOUD AGAIN! That’s annoying. I erupt in anger when I hear it. So would a volcano. Angry volcanoes are Bjork’s fault.

Factor 3: Subprime Mortgages
Some dudes run Iceland’s finances. Since the ice business was pretty much torn out of them by those fridges with the icemaker on the outside, they were lost for income. Their people (who are also made of ice), who were previously busy constantly exporting Icelandic ice, were just sitting around chewing on seal blubber. What do you do, government and private sector finance dudes? Well, you obviously take part in massive financial market securities transactions based on US mortgages packaged many times over. Where’s the US Icelandic guy? Who cares – these are fucking triple-A securities, you should stop wasting time talking and get back to buying – spend every Krona you got. Fuck it, I’ll take seals. Seal pelts. Whatever. Bjork CDs. Oh oh - dammit – the whole thing fell apart and your Bjork-based economy is actually worth even less than before. Ok, not a problem, your European neighbours, who consider you the Newfoundland of Europe, will totally ignore you. So what do you do in retaliation? Get that volcano going! If you can’t kill them, at least make their lives horrific – or have them cancel a few flights.

Happy Bjirthday!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Study: Heavy marijuana use can reduce your knowledge of eastern-European geography

Walking the pooch tonight prior to the Canada-Slovakia Olympic semi-final men’s hockey game, I was trailing a neighbour (one of those who you recognize but don't know too well) as he was on the sidewalk and was also taking a stroll in my mixed euro-centric neighbourhood. He’s a grizzly old man I’ve shared conversation with many times before, and tonight he was decked out in a very odd-looking hockey shirt and toque, probably making his way out on a wintry night for a little takeout and what not.

Anyhow, the ‘hood is peppered with the university housing crowd, being close to the University of Toronto, which often offers an interesting community and contrast to these populous mid-century European settlers. But tonight the melting pot was stirred a little briskly as he passed by a student house that was obviously running a bender-factory inside, with a few diplomatic representatives manning the porch.

Here is my first-hand recollection of the dialogue from ten meters back of the old man:

Guy on porch, spotting the hockey shirt on the old man, and smoking a cigar-sized ‘phatty’: “Dude – what the fuck!”

Other guy on porch (looking like he’s splitting the same atoms): ”Dude – What?” (excessive pointing at old man)

Third guy on porch (joining the Mensa convention): “Dude! Dude is wearing a Slovenian fucking hockey shirt dude!” (Small note: In certain cultures, “Dude” can be used twice in the same sentence and address two different people).

First guy, now walking down his front path towards the man as he passes: “Dude what are you wearing that shit for around here buddy!” (in a taunting way into the ear of the grizzly old guy, who isn’t flinching. Seriously - a plane could have landed beside him and he wouldn’t have looked different).

Mensa member to his Mensa co-member: ”Dude, you mean Slovakian, right?”

Spliff-sporter: “We’re playing Slovakia tonight, not Slovenia dude.”

Other guy: “Whatever, that’s unreal. How does he walk around like that?”

Mensa member: “Slovenia sucks! Go Canada!” (Yelling into the thin air that I assume also supports his skull from the inside).

Other guy: “Dude – Slovakia!”

New guy joining the porch and running down the walk: “Slovenia and Slovakia, fuck ‘em, Canada’s fucking winning dude!” (yelling down the street at the old man, throws beer bottle which smashes on the well-travelled road, one they likely drive on).

Me (old, a middle-aged greybeard, catching them very off-guard in monotone, now six inches from their faces as they are looking down the street at him and not seeing me): “He’s bigger than all three of you. Stop bothering your neighbours.”

(Them realizing I’m an old, big enough guy to tell them to shut up - me for the first time realizing the same).

Mensa member: “Dude, we weren’t going to hurt him…”

Me: “Pretty sure everyone knows that, tough guy.” (By the way, I’m with my dog and four beers in, so I have an armed sense of confidence here).

(Silenced kids walk back to their porch).

Here’s the final tally as I see it:

Young kids put in their place: 3

Middle-aged guy feeling really old tonight for telling kids (and I mean twenty year olds, not actual ‘kids’) what to do: 1

Really old Slovakian dude who had probably finished a pint of vodka and was headed out to a local to watch his team play in the Olympics, and has no idea any of this took place: 1.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Killer Whale Stuns World By Killing

As many of you may have heard, a tragedy occurred this week at SeaWorld in Florida, when one of the resident Killer Whales turned on one of its trainers, killing her in front of a horrified audience.

Horror turned to outrage when it later became apparent that this particular Killer Whale had previously been involved in the killing of two other humans.

In response, I'd like to suggest the following course of action:

1) We need to change the name of this terrible species to ensure that the possible consequences of treating one like a pet are fully appreciated. I'd like to suggest 'Murderer Whale' or 'Really Dangerous Whale'.

2) More specifically, the whale involved in this incident at SeaWorld should be forced to leave its cushy spa-like home with it's small, cozy water tank and multiple daily performances for a lonely life of solitude in the wide expanse of the world's oceans. I mean, if we give the impression that a Killer Whale killing someone is okay, who the hell knows where that will lead us.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Co-Worker Antics

Earlier this week, the Metro newspaper here in Toronto published this article, which included a list of "crazy" things that people had witnessed their co-workers do on the job. While I admit that some of them look a little odd, most of them pale in comparison to the co-worker antics that are described to me by a certain someone I happen to live with.

I sent her the link to the article above, and asked her to provide me with a list of the most bat shit crazy observations from her place of employment. Enjoy:

o Co-worker horking and spitting into garbage can regularly. Or just horking in general.
o Co-worker shaving in cubicle.
o Co-worker nail clipping in cubicle.
o Co-worker letting one out and asking you if you heard it/smelled it.
o Co-worker debating the merits of whether or not to stay at home or come into the office the day someone needed a colonoscopy b/c the doctor is close to work and the bathroom is also closer to his cubicle than at home.
o Co-worker performing eczema body rub in washroom stall with ruler and watching flakes fall.
o Co-worker wearing coloured thong with white dress pants.
o Male co-worker asking other male co-workers during meeting "would you accept $1M in exchange for taking it up the ass?"
o Co-worker using urinal and brushing teeth at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating an apple at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating a carrot at the same time.
o Co-worker using washroom stall and peeling an orange at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and reviewing report at the same time.
o Co-worker peeling carrot into the bathroom sink.
o Boob lookers.
o Co-workers using the “run into you and then scoop you in” trap.
o Co-worker bringing girlfriend into cubicle for make out session.
o Co-worker bringing bedroll to work so he can sleepover.
o Co-worker leaving the building at 11 pm with office furniture.
o Co-worker washing feet in bathroom sink.
o Co-worker reserving desk drawer for peanut shells.
o Co-worker picking nose and collecting boogers on side of desk.
o Co-worker discussing merits of Cialis vs. Viagra.
o Co-worker making donut sandwich in meeting (one chocolate between two vanilla).
o Co-workers having loud verbal dispute re: thermostat control.
o Co-worker sending section wide e-mail telling boss that he can’t come into work today b/c he’s got “heavy diarrhea”.
o Co-worker using expression ‘drain the lizard’.
o Co-worker overhears another co-worker say “when can I see your boobies again"?

Feel free to add more in the comments...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Did I Mention The Shuttle Buses?

Weird email I got from our friends at the Toronto Transit Commission yesterday:
From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]

Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 2010 10:48 AM
To: JohnnyM

Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to excessive philandering by the TTC Chair, the W/B 506 Carlton is on diversion. E/B is unaffected. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Feb 9, 2010 10:45 AM
Sent: 2/9/10 10:47 AM

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Joey Jeremiah: Fashion Visionary

As “Anonymous” commented on Johnny M’s recent post, the TTC ‘Service Alert’ emails we receive (here’s an alert: the TTC’s service is shit) leave us “with no excuse to disappear for months at a time again.” I think he’s right. One such alert received today was as follows:

-----Original Message-----From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 10:35 AMTo: Monkey, Coco TheSubject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a collision at Queen & DeGrassi, the 501 Queen route is diverting from Broadview to Coxwell. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Jan 13, 2010 10:33 AM

Following receipt of this Johnny M and I had some banter about how to the kids at Degrassi High might be behind it, and Johnny M commented “I bet that Joey Jeremiah is - He’s one slick dude”. This got me thinking about Joey. My thought process was as follows:

1. Joey Jeremiah IS a pretty fucking slick dude!

I dwelled on this for a second to arrive at:

2. I think the main contributor to his slickness is the fedora.

Then I thought:

3. Isn’t it awesome that Joey wore a fedora almost twenty years before these hipsters who wear them now.

Which was followed by:

4. Joey Jeremiah has several things in common with hipsters, not just the fedora.

Which triggered the reaction:

5. Time to write a blog post.

And naturally lead to:

6. A bowel movement.

See Anonymous, I agree with you, and despite having a bowel movement, this TTC email clearly led to a blog post, and it wasn’t hard to get there at all.

With that short introduction, I present here an analysis of the common traits of Joey Jeremiah and the modern urban hipster. Based on this analysis, I can conclude that either Joey Jeremiah, the actor who played him, or the person responsible for wardrobe on the set of Degrassi was twenty years ahead of their time.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

JohnnyM's Quick Hits

That's right kids - another edition of my ridiculously popular "Quick Hits". Let's hit that together:

1) The 'open call' submission deadline is rapidly approaching for Nuit Blanche - all the details are here. On Thursday night, Coco and I are going out to the Leafs game ("Come for the historically bad penalty killing! Stay for the $15 beer!") and before the game we're going to work on the JTC submission for Nuit Blanche. What will it be? Who the hell knows, but if I was a betting man, I'd be wagering heavily on hilarity, a toilet, juxtapostion, and multiple strobe lights. Juxtapose! Strobe!

2) You know those losers at pubs who stand around playing that stupid virtual golf game? Yeah, well - that's us. We do that kind of a lot. And when they pulled Golden Tee out of Scotland Yard, we were all devastated. Until Coco called me and exclaimed, "I called the Elephant and Castle! They have Golden Tee! But the waitress wasn't sure which version." I was somewhat torn between the excitement of finding another place to play, and disbelief that Coco called purely to ask about the pub's Golden Tee status. Anyway, if you think that's lame, you know what's blow-your-mind lame? Putting your "great shots" on YouTube. Like my hole in one (on a par 4, suckers!) from last Friday.

3) Monday, February 15th is Family Day here in Ontario, so we all get the day off work. And I think we all know what that means: pub crawl on Sunday, February 14th. Valentine's Day? It's for lovers. Lovers of extreme intoxication.