Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

One Year On The Fake Corporate Calendar

As both our readers know, December 20th marks the one year point for the JTC Inc blog. I thought this would be a good opportunity to take a look back at the previous 12 months.

Over the past year, we've had 64 posts, which means we've averaged more than one a week, but as our avid reader(s) know, there have been a few points of where we've run fairly dry for extended periods - we'll try to avoid that in the future.

One thing I would like to point out is that all e-mails I am sent from my fellow board members go into a specific folder in my Outlook. Since last December 20th, this folder has received 1,838 e-mails. If you figure that there are about 250 working days in a year (we tend not to e-mail each other on the weekends - too hungover), that means that on average, I receive over 7 e-mails a day from Co-Co and PChrist. Let's get that over 10 next year, gents!

Finally, as some of you know, when we send e-mails to each other, we tend not to sign them off in a regular fashion - for example, they wouldn't say: "Thanks, Co-Co", or "Regards, PChrist". We usually end with something witty, pertaining to the content of the e-mail - for example, "Holy shit I hate you, JohnnyM" I decided to start looking through the 1,838 e-mails, for what I thought were some of the best examples of our e-mail sign-offs. Going through 1,838 e-mails? I'm not going to shit you, it takes a while. I recorded some of my favourites, and while I was originally hoping to get this down to a Top 10 list, I had some trouble, and only managed to whittle it down to a Top 117. Here they are, in chronological order:

Blatantly disregarding the 'do not forward',
War - what is it good for?,
Hamas High,
Fundamentally Islamic,
Leadership is key,
I'll thank you not to look at my yaw axis,
Beyond Thunderdome,
Iron fist,
Firing off useless emails,
Hypocritically yours,
Stupid freeloading babies,
So sane it's blowing your mind,
They're the ones writing it off,
Yours in extremism,
In the distance a babe weeps,
Leaders are like eagles - we don't have any around here,
I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work,
Nice use of 'trysts',
Man made prisons,
Fucking washing machines,
Considering redeeming my outstanding debentures,
And my dog too,
Starting to get the alcoholic shakes,
I'm E-tarded,
Fucking Chavez,
Scottish Ass,
Let me know if any of the above makes me sound like an alcoholic,
Nuclear freaks,
Already embezzling the profits,
My talents are wasted here,
Hope your pregnancy is going smoothly,
I wish I could quit you,
Bowling is the best medicine,
Regretting not having the notebook on me,
You're such a looser,
*shivering in disgust*,
Fucking earful,
Fucking pirates,
We're in a rain delay,
You're both fucking frauds,
Sandals Taliban,
Let me know your deepest feelings,
Tighter pyramid,
Getting ready for 2 furlongs,
Ignoring important work e-mails to follow-up on all my JTC e-mails,
JTC comes first,
Off to rodeo,
Redundancy Department of Rendancy,
Feels like we're having an affair,
Hoping someone is reading this email thread over at corporate security,
That son of a bitch is ice-cold,
Completely insensitive,
Danse contact,
Shirking responsibility,
Rioting... may we all be so lucky,
Fucking Granolas,
Looking forward to the freak-out response,
The average age in our department is now hovering around 16 years old,
Let's spend the next 30 mins planning how we are leaving work in 30 minutes,
You fucking thief,
Your problem,
So looking forward to going drinking,
Now seriously contemplating going home to drink by myself,
Not insane,
Looking forward to restructuring this fall,
I've told everyone I know,
In the 21st Century you can block email,
You reek of sudoku,
Will somebody please think of the children,
I don't really care, I'm just trying to avoid having you develop unsatisfactory levels of moisture on your balls,
I have people skills,
Let me see if I have anything available as a mock up,
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery,
In all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats, I never saw one riding a pony,
I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up,
Can't wait to leave at noon,
Wishing my name was Duke,
Yeah, that's right - I pumped her,
Next thing you know you'll be helping him move,
Feelin' slutty,
Just fucking eat it,
Case of the Tuesdays,
I'm kind of busy over here,
Head for open waters, Big Tuna,
Walking the plank,
I fear change,
Trash-talkin' the potluck,
Man, that’s a lot of money - let me know if you want to talk about it,
You are a human calculator,
Not hating my current job so much anymore,
For the record, I received 31 emails from you sluts yesterday,
Spending more time on my $3.33/week job than my full time salaried job,
Getting fitted for a lead suit,
That's why their $509 stock is $509 more than our stock,
It's always your fault,
Case of the Thursdays,
Fucking Milton,
Wanting to respond with a knee in the crotch,
It’s coming out of my pores,
I'm going home now, please ensure you get all our work done today,
It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt! ,
I’m defending a television show - life has got to have more meaning than this,
Really easy to concentrate on this report I’m reading,

Good Lord, I love my fake job,

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Announcement: JTC Anniversary Party

As many of you know, this Wednesday, December 20th marks the one year anniversary of this blog. (Okay - I'm sure that none of you have actually noticed that...whatever.)

To mark this momentous occasion, the JTC Board of Directors has surprisingly decided to go out drinking. As I have recently been innundated with two requests from our readers to join us on our next outing, I've decided to extend an invitation to anyone who would like to spend some quality time with the Board on Wednesday night. We'll likely be going out somewhere downtown - The Bottom Line or Scotland Yard (it's worth investigating) would be likely destinations. We'll nail that down in the next couple of days. Let us know if you'd like to come along.

Activities at the party will include (but are not limited to):

1) Drinking
2) Eating
3) Playing Golden Tee
4) Drinking
5) Writing down hilarious ideas in a little black book
6) Watching Co-Co get the giggles
7) Laughing at Co-Co's pea-sized bladder
8) Speculating on Co-Co's true sexual orientation
9) Drinking

Hands-up who else has a big presentation in front of (real) company executives on Thursday morning....no?...no one else?

Johnny M

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Revenue - you've got it. We need it.

Our readers (both of you!) may have noticed that our Google Ads at the top of our blog either aren't there recently, or have been replaced by some "Hurricane Katrina Relief" ad. (As an aside - Hurricane Katrina? Is there not a more recent disaster we could be focusing on? That is sooooo 2005.) The reason for our ad troubles is that our account has been disabled by those tyrants at Google. They won't tell us why they shut us down, but through my keen powers of deduction (yeah, that's right - "keen"), I've narrowed it down to three possible reasons:

1) Co-Co's erotic description of masturbating on a bike in his Nov. 22nd post.
2) Co-Co's maturbating.
3) Co-Co.

Will we be able to figure out which of these reasons is the true "root cause"? Probably not.

Now I know what you're thinking - "Johnny M! Based on your hilarious post from March 26th, JTC now has no source of revenue! Who will fund your drinking binges, which are so key to the hilarious blog posts?" Well, fear not, little ones - you do.

Here's how it works: you go to the newly opened "JTC Store", and you buy stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. I've ordered a few things myself, and I want to assure you that everything is of the highest quality. (I'm wearing the "JTC Classy Classic Thong" right now!) Because of some limitations of the store, we can only have one of any item up at a time (which is preventing me from realizing my dream of a whole line of eMoron mugs), so if there's anything you particularly want, let us know and we can throw it up there.

Hey - why are you still reading this? Shouldn't you be buying stuff?