Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

People Who Don't Speak English Very Well Are Funny

On my recent sojurn to the beautiful country of Nepal, I picked up a bit of a sore throat. When I headed down to the "pharmacy", I found their selection of throat lozenges rather limited, and purchased the only ones they had, the internationally renowned "Matsils Lozenges".

There was some funny shit on that box, let me tell you. On the front, it exclaimed, "Reveal and help to refresh mouth and tongue in new taste." And on the back, the box informed me, "Everyone will experience its unique taste and flavour." That's just great stuff.

Can you believe that I was able to find a picture of the *exact* box on the net? God bless the internet, that's what I say.
The lozenges are made by the benign sounding "Millat Chemical Co. Ltd.", and they have what can only be described as one hell of a website.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Unusual Suspects

After having several odd experiences in the company water closet, I’ve developed a list of questions/comments I’m thinking of posing to several repeat characters I keep running into:

Guy who stores his copy of the paper on the back of the tankless toilet
I guess storing your reading material in the stall, open so you can return to the page you didn’t quite finish reading, indicates that you are not only an avid news reader, but are also a repeat customer during your workday and therefore likely have a diet that’s high in fiber – good for you. However, I might note that while your gastrointestinal health is currently strong, it may not be for long if you continue to store the materials you read with bare hands only inches from where at least a dozen other people place their bare ass and defecate.

Guy who doesn’t work in my building but uses my washroom
Ok, having run into you in the bathroom, near the elevators, on the main floor and even having seen you crossing the street, I know for a fact that you don’t work in my building, but you repeatedly come to my building, and my specific floor for Christ sakes, just to relieve yourself. I’ve heard of people visiting other floors to drop their stink bomb anonymously among strangers, but to go all the way to another building shows you hold a particularly strong sanctity in the buffer zone. However, I notice sometimes you even come to urinate. Why do you need a buffer zone for that? I mean, come on, on weekends I typically I do that right out on the street. Also, what attracted you to my floor in particular, the 3rd floor of a 32-storey building, where there are many other easily accessible bathrooms? I’m assuming you know your bathrooms and we’ve got a particularly good setup here or something. Or perhaps you don’t work in that other building either, and are just compulsively visiting various washrooms in office buildings throughout the financial district.

Guy who urinates while reading the newspaper
Really? How big is your bladder that you need entertainment while standing at a urinal? Are you even getting through the opening paragraph of the story you are reading? And what does it do for your aim when your body is contorted, twisted away from the wall so you can hold your folded broadsheet in view? Also, you keep walking away with your fly wide open while I’m still going, so I have yet to see if you actually put down the newspaper to wash and zip up. Maybe you don’t even put it down at all. Perhaps your entire life is one-handed, and you cook, eat, do push ups, drive a car and masturbate all while holding a copy of the day’s Globe in the other hand. If that’s the case, my respect, for you are a dexterous and well-informed individual.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Yesterday? Yesterday was not a good day

First off - close to three months without a post? Me and my fellow board members are filthy, useless bastards.

Now - I want to tell you a story about how much yesterday sucked for me. I'm not whining here - I simply want to inform you about how impressed I was by how horrendous it was. It started off with brunch...while I was eating, I wasn't feeling too good, but I felt it would pass. Because I've been out of the country for a month, I then went to go and pick up my car, from the home of our JTC stenographer who had thoughtfully allowed me to park it there while I was away. (This is a little off-topic, but I can't help but think that we should have picked a stenographer that wasn't graphophobic - it really affects her work.) It should also be noted that because of my time away, my sleep patterns are pretty screwed up right now, and I felt really jet-lagged.

The car took a while to start, but eventually I was on my way. Still not feeling well, my CHP suggested that we stop in at the swanky shopping mall of Bayview Village. After taking close to 20 minutes to find a parking spot, as I parked, the car died, and wouldn't start. Awesome. Owing to the pressure in my lower intestine, I quickly went down to the mall to find a bathroom, where I promptly began peeing out of my ass.

To summarize:
- jet-lagged.
- feeling like shit.
- car won't start.
- peeing out of my ass in a mall bathroom.

HFS. Anyhoo, we eventually got the good people from CAA to come and help us out (although the first guy said it was our alternator, not our battery and called a tow truck....the tow truck guy proved it was the battery), and then I went and got a new car battery installed. It was a hell of a way to spend a Saturday, let me tell you.

It's good to be back,