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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

WTF Volume 7: Taste of the Danforth

As has previously been reported in this space, the Taste of the Danforth festival which occurs every year here in Toronto can be quite the epicentre of hilarity. This year, for the benefit of our reader(s), I decided to "embed" myself in the hot Greek action (that should get us a few Google hits) by working at my friend's food stand. And here's what I observed:

The Weather

WTF Factor: Attempting to acquire two of every animal

Holy. Shit. It was a deluge of biblical proportions. The weather this past weekend was terrible, which kept a lot of peeps away. Which was too bad, because I really think that more people = more idiocy = more hilarity. Oh yeah, I guess it sucked for all the people who rely on Taste of the Danforth in order to make money too. Don't worry though - I promised my friend I'd buy a burrito off him every week for the rest of the year.

Peacock Feathers

WTF Factor: Bemused staring

Every year that I've gone to Taste of the Danforth, I see people walking around with peacock feathers that they have purchased of a street vendor. The great mystery is this - WHY? WTF do they do with these things once they get them home? Shove them in their balding peacock? Bizarre.


WTF Factor: Laughing with strangers

Okay - so at the stand where I was working we were selling soft-shell tacos, which we served on paper plates. About every 10th customer would ask if we could give them a fork. I made the executive decision that we weren't going to hand out forks because once you hand out one fork, everyone else is suddenly going to decide that they can't possibly live without their free plastic fork. This, by far, was my favourite exchange on the topic:

Idiot: "Can I have a fork?"
JohnnyM: "Sorry, buddy - no forks. Hey - it's a taco, right? Just roll it up at eat it!"
Idiot: "I can eat the plate?"
JohnnyM: *stunned silence* "Uh...not really."
*crowd erupts in laughter*

Cheap Bastards

WTF Factor: Dismissive irritation

I was blown away by the number of people who would walk up, and ask me for free stuff, or try to bargain me down. The prices are posted, you fuckers. One dude (who found a sharp knife that I think I may have accidentally knocked onto the street) must have asked me three or four times. "Well, I'll have a chicken taco, because it's free right?" Not really, dick head. Again, here's my favourite exchange with these jack-asses:

Cheap Bastard: "How much are the Mexican drinks?"
JohnnyM: "$2."
Cheap Bastard: "I'll give you $3 for 2."
JohnnyM: "I don't think so."
Cheap Bastard: "Come on, man! If I was in Mexico, I could get a ton of these for $2!"
JohnnyM: "Yeah, but the airfare would set you back a bit."

Anger at The Only?

WTF Factor: Being more upset than I care to admit

As previously mentioned, The Only Cafe is the best pub in Toronto. After my Saturday shift on the Danforth, I decided to wander down the street to the Only for a pint. Not unexpectedly, it was fairly busy in there, so I sat down at the bar. About 30 minutes later, it started getting really busy in there, which resulted in a bunch of peeps crowding all around me. After a few more minutes, I was getting leaned on enough by the drunk morons behind me, that I was practically making out with the bar (Off-topic: making out with the bar at the Only is actually a recurring fantasy of mine. But not like this. Not like this.) So that was pretty uncomfortable. Then some fucking guy, decided to set up shop directly behind me and YELL at the top of his lungs, at anybody and everybody in the bar. At one point, he looked at me. "You must hate me," he slurred. "Kind of," I replied. I then left the Only in anger - the one (and I hope ONLY) time I ever do that in my life. Ugh.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Don't Lose Your Head In A Crisis

So, yesterday I was surfing around on the internet, and I was looking at the headlines on the City News website. "Man Decapitated on Bus" screamed one headline. Given that I feel that City News has about as much credibility as the National Enquirer - I wouldn't be surprised to see a headline announcing "Alien Impregnates Cat" - I didn't even bother looking at the story.

Then I went to the Globe and Mail's website, and found out that someone had actually been murdered on a Greyhound bus. After being stabbed multiple times, the attacker had hacked off the victim's head. And they say all the creeps and weirdos are on the TTC.

I discussed this shocking story with CoCo last night over a couple of beers. I felt that this incident could potentially be a real publicity problem for Greyhound, and that Via Rail may see a sudden upswing in business. I started trying to come up with Via Rail slogans that could capitalize on the story:

"Via Rail - 100% Less Decapitations Than Greyhound!"
"Don't Lose Your Head - Take Via Instead!"

CoCo then suggested that a severed head could be the new spokesperson for Via. Or could offer testimonials on how shitty Greyhound is. Or something like that. I don't really know what the hell he was talking about. That guy is so fucking insensitive sometimes.