Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wrong email to the wrong guy

Before you read this chronological thread, a couple of disclaimers:

1. All names and email addresses have been censored, and

2. I was very pissed off at work, this is not who I normally am, and

3. If you send me an unsolicited email, buy a hat.

With that, I present an email exchange I had while "working" today:

From: jack@.com [mailto:jack@.com]
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2010 9:43 AM
To: ctmonkey@gmail.com
Subject: Class

Hi John- we sent an extensive e mail last Sunday re the class and have not heard back from you ...for feedback. Then I just received an e mail from Kien saying for us to communicate with you ??? Thought that is what we did. So we are confused??? Please advise.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
To: jack@.com
Subject: RE: Class
Sent: Sep 10, 2010 7:59 AM

ctmonkey@gmail.com is my email - you have the wrong email

From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 16:24:11 2010
Subject: Re: Class

Coco- sorry for the inconvenience not sure what the problem is but your e mail comes up Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com not ctmonkey@gmail.com. The person I am e mailing is John and that is his e mail. So you may want to check it out w gmail. John has had this email for some time and I have always e mailed him there. Sorry again.

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 16:50:35
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class


My email is ctmonkey@gmail.com. I know that because I use it to check my gmail, and people who I actually know email me using it. I also have my gmail set up to forward to my coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com email account. That forwarding, not coincidentally, is the precise reason I'm replying to your emails and doing my damndest to convince you that you have the wrong email. Another fabulous clue that might lead you to believe me is the very non-response you are investigating.

Why don't you noodle this for a while: you keep emailing a guy and he doesn't respond, then you finally get a response by an annoyed recipient telling you that you've emailed the wrong address. You sum this up and conclude that the guy you're trying to reach is being non-responsive, and I'm somehow magically intercepting your emails, and I'm also mistaken about my own email address.

Once you've noodled that, if your conclusion is the same, please let me know and I will quickly find the nearest insane asylum to your current location where we can get you the help you need.

Best and most respectful regards,
Coco Monkey

Ps - the fact that my name is Coco Monkey and I'm getting emails you send to ctmonkey@gmail.com - yet another fantastic clue!

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:03:39 2010
Subject: Re: Class

So is that apology accepted? I was saying sorry that happened in case u forgot in your rant... and u both have the same address so good luck w that and have a nice day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 17:10:27
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class


You're a genius and I'm obviously not a worthy challenge. I tried to lead you astray, but your Mensa membership is going to stay in good standing - yes, we absolutely have the same email address. Not only is that possible on this planet, but your planet too!

If you'd like, I could really blow your mind and respond from ctmonkey@gmail.com just to prove it. But you know what happens when two contradicting thoughts are held in the same head, don't you Jack.

Well done, and keep up the good work. If not for me, if for mankind.

Regards from planet Earth,

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:12:19 2010
Subject: Re: Class

My names not jack
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Monkey, Coco
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:14 PM
Subject: Fw: Class
To: "ctmonkey@gmail.com"

Dear Coco Monkey,

Please confirm this mad-hatter is crazy. For both of us.

Coco Monkey

Ps - His name isn't Jack.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Coco Monkey
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:17 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Class
To: jack@.com

Iif you're not wearing a hat already, go out to a hat store, buy a hat, put it on and hold the heck on to it.

Jackie boy - check this out! It's me, er I mean us, Coco Monkey, responding from my gmail account.

Love always,

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Five Years on the Fake Corporate Calendar

Yeah...we've been kinda quiet lately. AND we didn't even post anything about the G20 summit, which - as a few people have pointed out, including a commenter on the previous post - would be right in this "anarchist asshole"s wheel house. I would like to say that we did actually have a JTC G20 pub crawl, and a JTC G20 golf day. We spent the first 10 minutes of the pub crawl fixing the world's issues with the economy, the environment and maternal health (you're welcome) before we switched our focus to getting pants-shitting drunk. Still - no posts about ANY of that? Poor show.

Well - here's more good news for our reader(s): I'm leaving the country for the next four months to go travelling around Asia. Due to the wonder of the interweb, my travels don't mean that no posts will happen from me while I'm away, but they don't exactly make it more likely, I'd say.

So, let's cut to the chase...before I go, I wanted to make sure I sent out my annual "sign-offs" list. If you're not sure what this is, it's basically a listing of some of the funnier email sign-offs that we here at JTC Inc. have shared with each other over the past few months. If you love it (and who wouldn't) you can check out last year's post (which also has links to all previous versions).

On with the show (and if you keep your eyes peeled, you may even see a couple of G20-related ones in there):

I think I'd be happy for you if I wasn't so murderously jealous,

I can smell the turducken on his breath,

Completely covered in ears,

This is a bad place to work when you have a low tolerance for idiocy,

He's like a chicken that is stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey,

On the plus side, Paraguayan literacy exceeds 91%,

What am I doing at work? Watching soccer and sending you emails,

I believe it’s pronounced “FUCKING A”,

As serious as yellow fever is to the thousands of men affected each year,

Enjoy your Molotov cocktails,

I don’t capitalize “god” because I’m a jackass atheist,

Trading derivatives in the nude,

I am only thinking of his a-skillszzaa,

Up is down! Fast is slow!,

Apart from organizing the best fucking G20-themed non-G20 summit EVER!,

Miss B – she’s gonna SCHOOL YAZ!,

I'm tearing that fence down in a violent protest awash in blood and tear gas, and then we'll have a beer on your porch,

I heart anarchy,

This will give us more time for looting,

It’s not embezzling if it’s your friends,

I'm pretty sure all of those guys combined have the intelligence of a potted plant,

Don't you dare tell me I'm not properly executing a move named after me,

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers,

Happy Fingers,

I can’t believe you fucked that up,

Between you and Pete with his fucking 'happy fingers', it's no wonder we don't get anything done,

We are going steady,


Drooling like a dog in a butcher shop,

I’m like Nostradamus, only white,

Stupid beautiful pristine wilderness,

The English - all of 'em - hate,

Scheduling company meetings around fake company golfing,

Looking forward to seeing your bleeding scabby face,

You're a 2010 signoff list slut,

*darth vader telling you to stop being such a fucking girl*,

Labia are what I'm referring to,

Why don’t you get yourself a cob of well-buttered roasted corn,

I’d love to report to me,

THIS is an email that could get me fired,

Candor – it’s rarely good,

Optimism – it’s for assholes,

Thursday – it’s the new Friday,

Drinking beer, playing Golden Tee and going to a Leafs game with Johnny M is absolutely excruciating,

We’re buying beers at the ACC tomorrow night – we need to save all the money we can,

Neon Indian giver,

The cup is round,

‘Business Architect’? Why not ‘Business City Planner’?,

Just another day at the office saving lives,

The only borders these doctors don’t seem to respect are those of common courtesy,

High five,

Together, we are the equivalent on one man / fan,


Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks,

Why is it taking you so fucking long to do this, and thanks again, it’s a huge favour,

I can play your game, asshole,

"As is" - swedish for "better",

Urban Sprawl – It Grows On You!,

Consider my fancy tickled,

Discuss "real" company business at a "fake" company meeting?,

The thing about German food is no matter how much you eat you’re still hungry for power,

Fucking Cyprus!,

Watch those hands, SEXYMOMMA!,

I also find myself culturally insensitive,

Sounds like something Coco would be into,

Of course - Absolute zero!,

Let us never talk of 2009 again,