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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Study: Heavy marijuana use can reduce your knowledge of eastern-European geography

Walking the pooch tonight prior to the Canada-Slovakia Olympic semi-final men’s hockey game, I was trailing a neighbour (one of those who you recognize but don't know too well) as he was on the sidewalk and was also taking a stroll in my mixed euro-centric neighbourhood. He’s a grizzly old man I’ve shared conversation with many times before, and tonight he was decked out in a very odd-looking hockey shirt and toque, probably making his way out on a wintry night for a little takeout and what not.

Anyhow, the ‘hood is peppered with the university housing crowd, being close to the University of Toronto, which often offers an interesting community and contrast to these populous mid-century European settlers. But tonight the melting pot was stirred a little briskly as he passed by a student house that was obviously running a bender-factory inside, with a few diplomatic representatives manning the porch.

Here is my first-hand recollection of the dialogue from ten meters back of the old man:

Guy on porch, spotting the hockey shirt on the old man, and smoking a cigar-sized ‘phatty’: “Dude – what the fuck!”

Other guy on porch (looking like he’s splitting the same atoms): ”Dude – What?” (excessive pointing at old man)

Third guy on porch (joining the Mensa convention): “Dude! Dude is wearing a Slovenian fucking hockey shirt dude!” (Small note: In certain cultures, “Dude” can be used twice in the same sentence and address two different people).

First guy, now walking down his front path towards the man as he passes: “Dude what are you wearing that shit for around here buddy!” (in a taunting way into the ear of the grizzly old guy, who isn’t flinching. Seriously - a plane could have landed beside him and he wouldn’t have looked different).

Mensa member to his Mensa co-member: ”Dude, you mean Slovakian, right?”

Spliff-sporter: “We’re playing Slovakia tonight, not Slovenia dude.”

Other guy: “Whatever, that’s unreal. How does he walk around like that?”

Mensa member: “Slovenia sucks! Go Canada!” (Yelling into the thin air that I assume also supports his skull from the inside).

Other guy: “Dude – Slovakia!”

New guy joining the porch and running down the walk: “Slovenia and Slovakia, fuck ‘em, Canada’s fucking winning dude!” (yelling down the street at the old man, throws beer bottle which smashes on the well-travelled road, one they likely drive on).

Me (old, a middle-aged greybeard, catching them very off-guard in monotone, now six inches from their faces as they are looking down the street at him and not seeing me): “He’s bigger than all three of you. Stop bothering your neighbours.”

(Them realizing I’m an old, big enough guy to tell them to shut up - me for the first time realizing the same).

Mensa member: “Dude, we weren’t going to hurt him…”

Me: “Pretty sure everyone knows that, tough guy.” (By the way, I’m with my dog and four beers in, so I have an armed sense of confidence here).

(Silenced kids walk back to their porch).

Here’s the final tally as I see it:

Young kids put in their place: 3

Middle-aged guy feeling really old tonight for telling kids (and I mean twenty year olds, not actual ‘kids’) what to do: 1

Really old Slovakian dude who had probably finished a pint of vodka and was headed out to a local to watch his team play in the Olympics, and has no idea any of this took place: 1.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Killer Whale Stuns World By Killing

As many of you may have heard, a tragedy occurred this week at SeaWorld in Florida, when one of the resident Killer Whales turned on one of its trainers, killing her in front of a horrified audience.

Horror turned to outrage when it later became apparent that this particular Killer Whale had previously been involved in the killing of two other humans.

In response, I'd like to suggest the following course of action:

1) We need to change the name of this terrible species to ensure that the possible consequences of treating one like a pet are fully appreciated. I'd like to suggest 'Murderer Whale' or 'Really Dangerous Whale'.

2) More specifically, the whale involved in this incident at SeaWorld should be forced to leave its cushy spa-like home with it's small, cozy water tank and multiple daily performances for a lonely life of solitude in the wide expanse of the world's oceans. I mean, if we give the impression that a Killer Whale killing someone is okay, who the hell knows where that will lead us.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Co-Worker Antics

Earlier this week, the Metro newspaper here in Toronto published this article, which included a list of "crazy" things that people had witnessed their co-workers do on the job. While I admit that some of them look a little odd, most of them pale in comparison to the co-worker antics that are described to me by a certain someone I happen to live with.

I sent her the link to the article above, and asked her to provide me with a list of the most bat shit crazy observations from her place of employment. Enjoy:

o Co-worker horking and spitting into garbage can regularly. Or just horking in general.
o Co-worker shaving in cubicle.
o Co-worker nail clipping in cubicle.
o Co-worker letting one out and asking you if you heard it/smelled it.
o Co-worker debating the merits of whether or not to stay at home or come into the office the day someone needed a colonoscopy b/c the doctor is close to work and the bathroom is also closer to his cubicle than at home.
o Co-worker performing eczema body rub in washroom stall with ruler and watching flakes fall.
o Co-worker wearing coloured thong with white dress pants.
o Male co-worker asking other male co-workers during meeting "would you accept $1M in exchange for taking it up the ass?"
o Co-worker using urinal and brushing teeth at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating an apple at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating a carrot at the same time.
o Co-worker using washroom stall and peeling an orange at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and reviewing report at the same time.
o Co-worker peeling carrot into the bathroom sink.
o Boob lookers.
o Co-workers using the “run into you and then scoop you in” trap.
o Co-worker bringing girlfriend into cubicle for make out session.
o Co-worker bringing bedroll to work so he can sleepover.
o Co-worker leaving the building at 11 pm with office furniture.
o Co-worker washing feet in bathroom sink.
o Co-worker reserving desk drawer for peanut shells.
o Co-worker picking nose and collecting boogers on side of desk.
o Co-worker discussing merits of Cialis vs. Viagra.
o Co-worker making donut sandwich in meeting (one chocolate between two vanilla).
o Co-workers having loud verbal dispute re: thermostat control.
o Co-worker sending section wide e-mail telling boss that he can’t come into work today b/c he’s got “heavy diarrhea”.
o Co-worker using expression ‘drain the lizard’.
o Co-worker overhears another co-worker say “when can I see your boobies again"?

Feel free to add more in the comments...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Did I Mention The Shuttle Buses?

Weird email I got from our friends at the Toronto Transit Commission yesterday:
From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]

Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 2010 10:48 AM
To: JohnnyM

Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to excessive philandering by the TTC Chair, the W/B 506 Carlton is on diversion. E/B is unaffected. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Feb 9, 2010 10:45 AM
Sent: 2/9/10 10:47 AM