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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Three Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

As everyone has been eagerly anticipating, I proudly present to you my annual post, featuring my favourite JTC e-mail sign-offs for the year. For your reference, here are the 2006 and 2007 versions. This year, I received close to 3500 emails from my fellow JTC board members (although we seem to have a little data integrity issue – I’m missing a big chunk of emails from late-August/early-September – hmmmm….), and have pared that down to list my favourite 145 sign-offs.

Before we get to that though, I thought I would provide you with something that I don’t usually include: context. You see, I’ve found what I consider to be quite possibly the best e-mail sign-off of all time, and I want to make sure that as many peeps as possible get to enjoy it. Here’s an e-mail that Co-Co sent us, when we were discussing the relative merits of the line-ups at the Coachella and Bonnaroo music festivals:

They announced their lineup (http://www.bonnaroo.com/). There is a mix of good stuff (Pearl Jam) and total shit (Metallica), but overall, after reading it I’m happy with our choice of Coachella. Apart of course from missing the chance to see my heroes, “Lez Zepplin”.

Picturing a bunch of girls kissing in the cockpit of a rigid, hydrogen-filled airship,

That is 100% solid GOLD, my friends.

If any of you are interested in knowing the context of any of our other sign-offs, let me know in the comments, and I’ll look it up.

Without further ado, here are the other 144 sign-offs:

You should have children - you're quite breathtaking,
Technically no longer a man,
*hand making jerking off motion*,
Take your shirt off,
To shit on your bathroom floor,
It’s a world full of cunts,
It’s Frisbee golf,
My first hour of the day has been spent planning how I’m leaving an hour early,
That wasn’t even funny - now I’m emailing for no reason at all,
Eagerly awaiting your outraged response,
Where the hell is that blow job,
Glad I’ve got nothing else to do except for documenting my team’s idiocy,
Not dumbing it down for some mass audience,
Not sexual,
I know – it sounds awesome,
I hope by ‘fresh, new look’ they mean ‘golden tee live machines’,
I do all the work around here,
"Just the butlers!",
Pretty sure we’re the only people here not speaking yiddish,
Working for my fake company is much better than my real company,
I'd choose a homeless man (with no internet connection) over her,
Lord of the Idiots,
Just realized I’m an alcoholic,
I foresee no issuesTM,
Let me know if you have any more atoms that need splitting,
I would have been there, but I have better shit to be doing with my time,
That’s where they murder gringo-Canadians, isn’t it?,
Bunch of savages in this town,
Irish multiple births association,
A brassiere is supportive - I want answers,
I liked your vigorous use of soap in the shower this morning,
That’s just good, high quality stalking,
Someone who gives you something, then asks for it back,
Coffee whore,
It’s all chaff,
*slamming fist on table*,
Money – I love it,
Sort of like getting blood from a stone,
Yellow fever,
“Lick the Bag”,
Is it us?,
Am a total alcoholic now,
IT band,
Do it anyways,
I just want the drinks,
Great paper pushing!,
I love you,
Why is everybody so down on PAL?,
It up her,
THAT baby,
I’ll take my baby to the concert,
No idea what I’m talking about,
Alarm bells? Ringing,
Totally cheese loading,
Baby bonanza,
She’s into it!,
Check AND mate,
Hot steaming regards,
I am too old for this shit,
Going to go shoot myself,
Oh snap,
You get in the mood,
You couldn’t pick him out of a lineup,
I'm drinking anyways,
Sweet Alcohol sweat,
Frolfing it up her,
Going to steal a box of ball point pens,
Toothpaste riots,
The Only – I could live there, if not for my need for gainful employment, the social stigma attached to being in a bar constantly, and the associated liver disease,
Fucking kill me now,
When I ran out of toilet paper,
*counting fingers* Fuck, fuck,…fuck, fuck, fuck,
Hope you haven’t shot yourself,
Just answer the question,
Just fix the glitch,
Good luck with your layoffs - I hope your firings go really well,
He’s less than 5 feet away from me and actually asked me something while I typed this,
I think naming their band “Afro-American youth” would’ve been more sensitive,
You’re such a girl,
Yes we should,
The cup is round, the mug is round,
Pump her,
Loving the potted plants analogies,
Mensa convention,
Was someone told? If not, tell them,
But is it good for the (fake) company,
I am a total slacker,
Fucking hell – do I ever need a drink,
I’d like a t-shirt that says “I’m rarer than the endangered Panda”,
Haven’t been this irate at work in a while,
Can’t wait to get back to the whoring,
You’re on notice,
Still haven’t made a cent on Adsense,
I’m sort of hungover,
Stink face,
Hunting out of season, or without a license is considered...,
Your stupid,
Thread gayness increasing with every note,
Going below and within,
Oval? Fucking useless,
I'm so damn popular,
My favourite part of the meeting was when you gave me $123,
Titty show,
It's all about the shitting in the bedding,
Dogs talking people barking,
The Eastern Canadian Qualifier: It’s like the Olympic Games, but more important,
Do you have any spare rocks? I seem to have thrown all of mine,
I was born ready,
Jumping onto a bicycle without a seat would also be less painful,
I am definitely going to hell,
Abandon ship!,
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you sour son of a bitch,
This is what it will be like when we win the lottery,
Horse shit. Get your horse shit here,
I bet everything was closed out properly, and we’re on track,
In summary: If getting pants-shitting drunk is wrong, I don’t want to be right,
I have literally done no work today,
I can smell the Yangtze on your breath,
Totally work-place appropriate,
You’re trash,
Good use of “you fools”,
The problem with being better than everyone else is that some people think you’re pretentious,
I think I caught your general malaise,
Rubik’s cubes! They’re the new “Crap Circles”,
Don’t forget the fucking notebook,
Trying to tuck into my bed under my desk,
You know how to take the reservation, you just don't know to hold the reservation,
I don't eat babies,
Don't you quit on me,
*This* is what I should be paid for,
At least I know who my real friends and/or attorneys are,
Like during urination,
Tell him I'll be IN MY OFFICE!,
I am old dammit,
Menopause out loud,
It’s a fucking tightrope,
Choking on the red tape,
There’s nothing better than the smell of cat urine to put you in the Christmas mood,

Friday, January 09, 2009

The birth of the ridiculous design of the escalator at the TTC’s Christie subway station: A historical reenaction

Sometime in the mid sixties at TTC headquarters, the Christie station designer and his boss meet…

“Hey – just looked over your drawings for the new Christie TTC station – great job.”

“Thanks boss, I feel really good about that one. Nice location too, people will walk out the front doors looking directly into the park.”

“Yeah, that’s one of my favorite parts. Hey, one thing though, I think you forgot an escalator from the mid-level to street-level.”

(scans drawings madly) “Holy crap, you’re right! Can’t believe I missed that!”

“We’ll need an escalator there for people who have trouble walking up stairs.”

“Okay, I’m on it. Now what kind of people are you talking about? Disabled people who can’t walk?”

“Not really, there are elevators for people in wheelchairs and stuff. I’m just talking about people who can walk, but have trouble with stairs.”

“How much trouble? Like they can’t even walk up a couple of stairs?”

“No, no - they just have trouble walking up a flight of stairs, especially the long flights typically found in subway stations. It’s not like they can’t walk up a couple of stairs.”

“Ok, I think I got it. Design an escalator for people who get tired if they walk up too many stairs, but are ok walking up a few stairs.”

“You got it.”