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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Two Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

As many of you have noticed*, I was away this year in late December, and wasn’t able to make my traditional “anniversary post”, where I summarize the year that was for JTC, and list my favourite e-mail sign-offs. Looking back at last year’s anniversary post, I see that we’ve increased our output from a paltry 1,838 e-mails to each other in 2006, to an astounding 4,066 e-mails in 2007. Using last year’s estimate of 250 “working” days a year, we’ve shattered our target of 10 e-mails a day, actually exceeding 16 e-mails a day (holy shit!).

As mentioned, I took it upon myself to read through all 4,066 e-mails, and come up with my list of favourite e-mail sign-offs….here they are, all 136 of them in glorious chronological order. Enjoy:

Totally professional,
No legal precedent for fucking yourself,
Lawlessly smoking at entrances,
Take your skirt off,
"Effectiveness" is my middle name,
Maybe you got it by being so damned promiscuous,
Fecal contamination,
I hate you,
Enraged and Disgruntled,
Bra burners,
Try to guess the number of beers John will drink this week,
Match made in hell,
He's your friend,
The financial district is a ghetto,
Since I’ll be down there, I’ll go ahead and take care of the cockroach problem,
Sensitivity training,
Pursed lips,
Zero tolerance,
A 5 day work week? Slavery,
Not a JTC team player,
Not my friend,
He's your acquaintance,
Dead gringos,
Great use of ‘fucking baboon’,
Your cat smells,
I sneeze every time I smell “your cat”,
I tried to pet ‘your cat’ and it farted,
Starts with an "h", ends with a "e", and in the middle is "ypocrit",
Shalom, I’d like a loan,
Shit the bed,
They're the ones writing it off,
IT band,
How does that taste,
Toasting your birth,
Getting older, not smarter,
Horny for a 'reverse danforth',
Better prepare your leather pants for a face imprint,
Just kidding about the gay stopping thing,
Don't mess with JTC,
Out of ideas after thinking for 0 seconds,
Just thinking of our readers (us),
You guys want to go to the GAP?,
Burning, just like urination,
Insanely inappropriate,
You're stale,
Where the hell is that updated policy register,
No comment on pussy’s nightwear? Bullshit,
“Gay roots”,
Epidural anyone?,
You’re too old for this,
I six sigma’ed it up her,
Just answer the question,
Attention Ladies: I watch Grey’s Anatomy,
“Latent Homosexual Tendencies”,
Anticipating the "P.S. I hate you" email response,
My palette is ruined,
Your an idiot,
“Allegations of polygamy”,
He networked it up her,
Slut for alcohol,
Urban sprawlers,
You are aware I took the smaller office,
Welcome to your Carlsberg years,
Don’t forget the fucking notebook,
‘Tee Whore,
The world revolves around you,
And by ‘real work’, I mean ‘JTC work’,
There’s gotta be something funny to write about amidst the tragedy of a wedding,
I might be trash too,
She’s also incontinent,
GFY, China; Our kids can out produce yours,
Sex with men? Not as gay,
That's Billion with a "B",
Flagrant use of ‘whore’,
Thank god I put on my Himalayan walkers,
I mean, COME ON!
Gold diapers,
Drunk with power,
You have the full support of the board,
Where is my fucking parachute,
Wanting to leave and drink heavily, but instead I know I'll be working 'til 10pm for no fucking reason,
“Breastmilk White Russian”,
I’m suing you for laziness,
My life doesn’t revolve around your beer needs, all the time,
Get some help,
Looking forward to putting a smoke in my mouth, just so you can slap it out,
I can’t write all these fucking jokey emails all at once,
They should have their own schools,
Swearing = fun,
How about a big cup of what the fuck,
My hat, my hat, my lovely lady hat. Check it out,
Pre-emptive GFY,
Yes, I am a scientist,
Crossing the blue line before the puck,
I can smell it on your breath,
Shrewdness of Apes,
TTC’s new motto: “Don’t like our service? Go ahead and use our competitors… OH BURN!”
Defer all over your face,
Financial Armageddon,
Niagara falls all over your face,
I went ahead and fixed the glitch,
I wanna make every woman I see,
I wear women's pants,
We are such girls,
Drinking right now,
Ya ya ya yya ya yya ya chit chit yaow,
I used them as toilet paper,
Night time lady caller,
See you in hell,
I thought we were going for a steam,
Picturing us doing the robot moves when the strobe is off while saying “Juxtapose!”,
Maybe this time I’ll stop masturbating,
I like the way you work it, no diggity, I got to bag it up,
I’m not gay you sons of bitches,
We’re not men,
Treat me like an object,
Surprised you are not on the floor sweating and twitching,
You decide asshole,
While I’m not sexist per se, I do appreciate hilarious sexist jokes,
Dumbest idea ever,
Engage number 1 *point finger*,
Clap, clap… clap clap clap,
Your team? Monkeys,
Ambiguity – they say it has less fat, but you eat more of it,
In a virtual golfing slump,
Following by example is much easier,
10 letter word for wireless email device,
This better not affect JTC Board Meetings,
We should hire talented people – that would diversify our department,
I hope she doesn’t stay in touch,

* No one noticed

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