Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Monday, March 31, 2008

WTF, Volume 2: JTC Inc. Blog Comments

A comment on the previous post:

Anonymous' Comment

WTF Factor: Wanker
I'll plead guilty to whoring for blog traffic on SWPL, but not to vaginal irrigation, and if you're one of the millions of people who hate spam, you could help the cause by not making "anonymous" comments on blogs. Muppet.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

WTF, Volume 1: Toronto

The following is a short list of things about the city I call home that keep me asking "what the fuck?":

The Cost of a Large Beer at a Leaf’s Game

WTF Factor: High
Increasing at about 100 times the rate of inflation, this season a large was $13.50. I guess they felt they were just giving it away when they charged $11 a couple of years ago.

People who say “Spah-Deen-Ah”

WTF Factor: Moderate
It’s “Spah-Dine-Ah”, you fucking muppets.

The fact that the TTC built a Sheppard Subway Line

WTF Factor: Cocked Eyebrow
Mel Lastman’s ‘Ikea Express’ is breathtakingly stupid: Check out Leslie station, conveniently located on a 6-lane suburban corridor with barren sidewalks.

The Flagrant Gentrification of Queen West

WTF Factor: Head Shaking
The “Bohemian Embassy”? Really?!

The Uselessness of Yonge/Dundas Square

WTF Factor: Eye Rolling
A paved, bleak square surrounded with offensively large advertisements and big box stores. It’s really urban planning at it’s best.

The Amount of Roasted Corn Consumed at Toronto’s “Taste of” Festivals

WTF Factor: Stink Face
People who probably never eat roasted corn will line up forever for a butter-soaked cob at these street parties. I think it’s really fucking weird.

By-law 522-78

WTF Factor: Mild
This is why little kids in Toronto grow up wanting to overthrow the government.

David Zancai, a.k.a. “Zanta

WTF Factor: Honey Garlic
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Couple of quick items

Here are two things I thought you would all (both?) love to know:

1) File this one under 'full disclosure': For those of you who were over at our house last Thursday night, I have an admission - as is rapidly becoming a habit on Thursdays, I was going commando for a good portion of the evening. When I got changed after my cycling workout earlier in the evening, I realized that I didn't have any underwear with me, so it was...uh...just me and my jeans, if you know what I'm sayin'. Don't worry though - I eventually got changed after about an hour or so of coming home.

2) Similar to CoCo's well-documented issues in the bathroom, I tend to run into odd situations in change rooms. While I don't believe I've ever written a blog post about these, I'd just like to comment that one of my favourites was the time when I saw a dude blow-drying his pubes at the gym. Anyhoo, last Saturday I enjoyed quite the spectacle at a local community centre. Following a swim, there was an older Asian gentleman in the showers with me. (Well - not with me...he was sort of beside me...oh, whatever.) This guy appeared to be showering prior to entering the pool area. Suddenly, without warning and with the water still running over him, he dropped down to the floor and started doing push-ups in the shower. It was fucking odd, let me tell you.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Degrading Discounts

Ah, tiered fares - the first world's caste system! If you think they were born out of stiff competition in the airline industry (where airlines pass on savings to customers who forego frills), you're dead wrong. Dead wrong. It's actually a group of sadistic marketing sonofabitches making up the restrictions, hoping to humiliate passengers. Don't believe me? Here's a couple of recent examples:

1. My recently purchased 'Economy Supersaver' ticket on BMI restricts me from being able to select a seat, even at check in. I don’t even know what the fuck this means. Do I just show up and look for an empty seat like I’m at the movies? Are there going to be assholes who put their bags on empty seats like in the subway? How does this save BMI money? Oh right, it doesn't - it's just another random inconvenience for me, the cheap-ass passenger.

2. Similarly, a friend flew Southwest on their “Wanna Get Away” fare. Apparently, “Wanna Get Away” means “I’m poor and would like to be treated that way”, because what ensued was staged boarding at the gate, with the stages not being defined by the usual “old people and babies followed by row number” fashion, but instead, by “fare class”. So essentially, there was no assigned seating, and they let the passengers on in order relative to how much they paid. When my friend finally got on, he and his wife were about 20 rows apart. Humiliated? You bet!

If any of you sadist marketers are reading this (and given our absolutely massive readership, that’s more a certainty than a probability), I’d like to suggest other things me and my fellow cheap ass passengers are willing to do to save our hard-earned and tightly-held travel dollars.

Instead of a seat, I’ll sit on a stool in the galley in the back. Or I'll just stand. If you want, in between movies, I’ll make your full-fare-paying customers feel great by walking up and down the aisles yelling “Hey people! I’m sitting on an uncomfortable stool in the back of the plane because I paid less than you! You're getting value for your money, dammit!”. Alternatively, I could sit in a corner near the washroom with a dunce cap that says "discount fare". Or, I could forego use of the bathroom. If it’s an overseas flight, I’ll wear a fucking catheter if I have to. If necessary, your stewardesses can tell the other customers why I’m wearing a catheter. I’ll also offer to show them the catheter while discussing my thrift and smaller annual income.

Anything you want guys! Lets work together to make air travel accessible, and embarrassing, for all.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Stuff JohnnyM Likes

Most (both?) of you are probably aware of the hilarious blog "Stuff White People Like". Despite the fact that this blog has only been in existence since January of this year, it is extremely popular, registering almost 16 million hits, with upwards of 600 comments on each post.

By comparison, our blog has been around for over 2 years, has only been viewed 5,000 times, and frequently our posts generate zero comments.

In an article published in the Toronto Star on Thursday, one of the creators of the Stuff White People Like blog states, "There was no grand plan. We'd done comedy blogs just for a few friends. We expected maybe 10 people on this one. But then it went completely viral."

If there's one thing in this world that I like, it's someone who has a very similar idea to me, only he executes that idea much, much better. Much better.

Because we like to put the "who" in "whoring", my buddy Coco the Monkey decided to put a link to the JTC blog into a comment on the Stuff White People Like blog on Wednesday of this week. The results speak for themselves - here's a chart of traffic on our blog for the past month:

Stuff white people like appears to include "blindly clicking on links".

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Destination of the week: Peru

I’ve recently returned from a short sojourn to this country of ancient cultures and rich colonial tradition, and thought I’d share a couple of observations from my visit.

Observation: There are a lot of tourists in Peru who deserve to be robbed

While trips to Europe and North America offer the opportunity to observe robotic tourists ricocheting between sights via turn-by-turn guidebook instructions, Peru offers the chance to see the same short-panted, long-socked globe trotters out of their first-world comfort zone.

For your enjoyment, there is an endless supply of breathtaking stupidity on display in this country, where despite an environment of extreme poverty, violent political instability and rampant police corruption, there are visitors who look like they were just teleported from the Epcot Center. Some of the most notable sights included:

  • I saw one genius take out what looked to be approximately three months worth of an average Peruvian's wages out of an ATM, and then turn away from the machine to count it in plain sight of nearby hawkers. He stepped on bills he dropped to stop the wind from taking them away before proceeding to stuff the whole crumpled wad into the back of his trousers, making a veritable pickpocket’s piƱata out of his ass.
  • I watched a tourist stop in the middle of a crowded market, blocking the thoroughfare for a picture. He then held his camera outstretched with one hand, only to see it promptly removed from his grip by a run-by thief. Seeing him stand there in shock and without reaction, I felt like going over to pants him, just to complete his moment.

Observation: Peruvian canines are easily aroused

I'm a big fan of canines, and my heartstrings are particularly well plucked by the malnourished and often injured street dogs in Central and South America. Despite the oily, flea-infested coats, I can’t resist petting those that come up to me, or sharing a bit a food. This personal protocol has now been abuptly cancelled.

As my co-habitational partner proceeded to pet the slimy head of one of these dogs in Peru, the back end of the animal began to bow inwards, a common sight I’ve seen with my own pup before she lays a deuce. However, I recommended we step away, and for good reason, as it was becoming clear this was not your typical number-two action. Apparently the light petting was received as heavy petting, and the dog dry-humped what must have been the air-guitar version of his fantasy bitch, finishing the event by ejaculating all over the pavement. It was a glorious, glorious sight.