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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Destination of the week: Peru

I’ve recently returned from a short sojourn to this country of ancient cultures and rich colonial tradition, and thought I’d share a couple of observations from my visit.

Observation: There are a lot of tourists in Peru who deserve to be robbed

While trips to Europe and North America offer the opportunity to observe robotic tourists ricocheting between sights via turn-by-turn guidebook instructions, Peru offers the chance to see the same short-panted, long-socked globe trotters out of their first-world comfort zone.

For your enjoyment, there is an endless supply of breathtaking stupidity on display in this country, where despite an environment of extreme poverty, violent political instability and rampant police corruption, there are visitors who look like they were just teleported from the Epcot Center. Some of the most notable sights included:

  • I saw one genius take out what looked to be approximately three months worth of an average Peruvian's wages out of an ATM, and then turn away from the machine to count it in plain sight of nearby hawkers. He stepped on bills he dropped to stop the wind from taking them away before proceeding to stuff the whole crumpled wad into the back of his trousers, making a veritable pickpocket’s piñata out of his ass.
  • I watched a tourist stop in the middle of a crowded market, blocking the thoroughfare for a picture. He then held his camera outstretched with one hand, only to see it promptly removed from his grip by a run-by thief. Seeing him stand there in shock and without reaction, I felt like going over to pants him, just to complete his moment.

Observation: Peruvian canines are easily aroused

I'm a big fan of canines, and my heartstrings are particularly well plucked by the malnourished and often injured street dogs in Central and South America. Despite the oily, flea-infested coats, I can’t resist petting those that come up to me, or sharing a bit a food. This personal protocol has now been abuptly cancelled.

As my co-habitational partner proceeded to pet the slimy head of one of these dogs in Peru, the back end of the animal began to bow inwards, a common sight I’ve seen with my own pup before she lays a deuce. However, I recommended we step away, and for good reason, as it was becoming clear this was not your typical number-two action. Apparently the light petting was received as heavy petting, and the dog dry-humped what must have been the air-guitar version of his fantasy bitch, finishing the event by ejaculating all over the pavement. It was a glorious, glorious sight.

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