Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Band Names

Band names seem to be getting more creative every year that passes, although there are some bland anomalies (such as the two thousand bands out there named “The insert any word here”).

In addition to our other insanely profitable ventures, JTC has entered the band naming market. During the discourse of JTC board meetings and/or emails, a phrase is sometimes used that would qualify and someone comments “Hey, that would make a great band name!”

If for purposes of record only, please find the following catalogue of band names to date (more are being created every day):

Case of the Mondays
The Reverse Danforth
Similar to Ruffles
Extreme Binge Drinking
Male Bovine Feces
Fun and Drinking
Coffee and Bran Muffins (We imagine they would be on stage saying "Hi! I'm Coffee, and these are the Bran Muffins (pointing to the rest of the band). We're going to be taking a break every 20 minutes....you know why.")
Soup to nuts
Nothing but Chaps (This could be used for a country band just as easily as an English boy’s choir)
29 Emails
Predominantly White
Champagne and Hookers
Delighter Dashboard
The REAL Lederhosen
Unprotected Swashbuckling
Huge in Denmark
Nexus of the Universe
Game of Tee
Fucking Wedding Errands
Reservations Under "John"
Securing With Jackets
Buns and/or Thighs
Convenience Charge
Interfere with Rogering
Vegetable Lasagna

Everything is starting to look like a good band name to me,
The Coco

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Interesting things I've learned listening to the radio

As I'm sure many readers of this blog would agree, things just don't quite make perfect sense to you when you are a) just waking up OR b) drunk. I've had a problem with the former in the last couple weeks when listening to my radio while waking up at 5:30 am. The commercials on one of the local radio stations have been particularly unusual, so I thought I'd learn a little bit more by visting their commercial's websites:

1) Florida11 - the commercial calls on people to visit a website http://www.florida11.com/florida11/petition.php to fill in a petition to change Florida to the 11th Canadian province. Sounds perfectly reasonable, no? I believe Jeb and George W would have a small problem with that and, after reading the fine print, it is just another gimmick by those marketing geniuses at the Florida Tourism Board, who are trying to whore the state by creating a fake petition to attract a few more Canadian snowbirds. Well, it's working. According to the website 7683 people have signed - including these interesting petitioners: Castro, Fidel; Il, Kim Jong and Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud.

2) Laser Concept Therapy - Initially, I thought this one was just another hair removal offices promising women they'll never cut their legs in the shower again. Well, they've found yet another use for lasers! Apparently, blowing up intercontinental ballistic missiles wasn't the final frontier for lasers as previously thought. This commercial advertises that lasers can now help you quit smoking or lose weight with a few simple treatments - according to the website (http://laserconcepts.ca/quit.html#1). When you read into the details, the 'therapy' combines the ancient Chinese art of acupuncture with 20th century light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation technology - the perfect combination! This looks another happy client with a red glow from the side of his head:

I suppose I'm doing just what they want me to do by talking/writing about them, but I'm pretty confident nobody will be booking florida vacations or exposing themselves to cancer-causing lasers as a result of this commercial review.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Blog of the day

That's right, your favorite blog (yes, this one) has won the much coveted blog of the day award for Tuesday, February 20, 2007. According to the site, a panel of judges grants up to four awards each day "in recognition of oustanding nominees". Obviously we are honored to be part of this select pool of thousands of honorees, and I maintain that the fact that we nominated ourselves does not take away from this honor and distinction.

It goes on to say that "Being named a Blog of the Day Awards Winner can be the crowning achievement of a lifetime of work, or it can be the beginning of a new chapter in the life of a blogger". Crowning achievement? Check. New chapter in my life? Check.

Looking forward to the upcoming Miss Blog Universe pageant. Johnny M has been working to slip into that two piece for a while now.

Fuck we're good.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

An open letter to all TTC streetcar riders

Lately I’ve heard and read a lot of complaints about the disposition of the Toronto Transit Commission’s streetcar drivers. My fellow riders, please offer these drivers due consideration for the high levels of stress and complexity that must deal with on a daily basis.

Sure, they may scream at riders, yell and bang their cabin to get people to move to the back, and absolutely freak out when people are surprised that the streetcar is taking a short turn (I mean, can’t they fucking see the sign on the front of the streetcar that says “SHORT TURN”?)

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you had to deal with their worries on a daily basis. For instance, consider the incredible complexity of the machine itself:

  1. There is no steering wheel.
  2. There are two pedals – one to make the streetcar move forward, and one to stop it from moving forward.
  3. The streetcar travels at about 20 km/hr along a fixed track, and the doors open and close with the push of a button.

And consider the complexity of the job:

  1. Sometimes people will be taking two vehicles during their commute, and will then ask you for a transfer. This requires you to rip a piece of paper off a pad and shove it in their hand.
  2. You have to stop every time someone rings the bell.
  3. People may ask for directions, or the final destination of the streetcar (this is especially aggravating, given that the driver has been doing this route daily for eight years, so obviously the rider should know where the car is going).
  4. Payment can come in a variety of forms: Either people show you a transit pass, or put tokens/change into a box. The box sometimes has to be emptied by hitting a lever.

I know, I know – when you put it all together, it’s amazing NASA isn’t at the TTC train yard recruiting for astronauts. So the next time a driver yells at you for any reason, you’ll know exactly what they are dealing with, and you’ll be happy that your day wasn’t nearly as stressful as these gifted pilots.

Coco T. Monkey

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tuesday's Random Thoughts

Just a few things I felt like sharing today:

1) I was at CostCo last night. Anyone familiar with this establishment knows that anything you purchase must be bought in ridiculously high quantities. As I was picking up a giant bottle of multi-vitamins, I cast my gaze over the "club-packs" of condoms. Anyone who feels the urge to buy their condoms in bulk is either: a) enjoying a great deal of sex; or b) completely delusional. Either way - bravo, I say.

2) I really hate shitty music. I think that one of the crappiest bands that has risen to prominence over the past few years is Maroon 5. Seriously - they're shit. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be undergoing dental work than listen to them. Well, today I got to compare and contrast these situations. I was at the dentist, being worked on by the hygienist (aka "The Butcher"). Imagine my surprise - as she dug that metal pointy thing into my gums for the 15th time - when "She Will Be Loved" came on the radio. My eyes were watering with the pain, but I'm not sure if the source was my mouth or my ears. Excruciating.

3) I really love good music. The best CD I've bought this year is by a band called The Kooks. You should check out a couple of their songs on their myspace site here. Their show in Toronto on May 8th has recently been moved to a larger venue (The Guvernment), so it's no longer sold out. I highly recommend you (both?) all go.

That is all.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Valentine's Day Cards

There are some that say that Valentine's Day is a "made-up", "manufactured", or "Hallmark" holiday, like "Flag Day", "Columbus Day", or "Easter". You know what I say? "That's bullshit."

Valentine's Day is probably one of the most important days on the JohnnyM personal calendar. Why? Because it's one of the days we can plan a JTC product launch around.

Here at JTC headquarters, we have literally been inundated with requests for Valentine's Day cards. Never being ones to disappoint our reader(s), please find attached our latest hit product line:

Coming to a head

In my particular work environment, a soul-crushing cube farm where several dozen male employees share the same bathroom, certain unspoken etiquette within those facilities is called for. This topic has been widely written about, so I won’t venture into the details of this silent code except to say that if you are unfamiliar with it, you’re likely one of the abnormal specimens the policy was written for.

The code should be part of mandatory employee testing. As I said, I don’t want to get into it, but I’ve witnessed countless infractions in the past few months (such as a complete lack of attempt to cover up errant noises by flushing/coughing, attempting conversation mid-urination, and unnecessary delay time while those in stalls wait for a private moment).

Just now, I witnessed an outlandish violation of the code that has left me a little disgusted, and my bathroom experience that much creepier. As I walked in, some dude took a giant wad of paper towel, soaked it, turned to face me with a blank stare, and then proceeded to a stall, locking himself in. There were noises.

It’s not supposed to be like this. Not like this.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

JTC Movie Reviews

Seen any good movies lately? Me neither. It really does seem like there's a lot of crap out there these days. What we all need is someone to tell us whether movies are any good, and if they're worth the $20 it will cost you to sit in a theatre, "enjoying" the company of your fellow movie-goers, as you marvel at the apparent shallowness of the gene pool.

As always, JTC has jumped in, and decided to fill this gaping void. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm actually going to movies, evaluating them, and then writing a well thought out review. Who has time for that shit? Rather, I'm going to look at movie posters, make what will likely be wildly accurate assumptions about the plot and characters, and then pass judgement.

Let's begin.

Music and Lyrics

Finally! Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore have decided to leave those lame-ass romantic comedies behind, and make something a bit more edgy. Ripped from the headlines (from 10 years ago), this gritty movie focuses on the seemy underbelly of prostitution in the USA, as Hugh's character attempts to convince Drew's character to become a hooker by inviting her over to his place, and then proceeding to receive a blow job from a prostitute he just picked up (not pictured). Truly gripping - and the ironic opening date of Valentine's Day? Unprecendented.


A tender tale of love and misunderstanding, cast against the backdrop of racial tension in the deep south. Eddie Murphy gives a tour de force performance both as a guy who looks and acts just like him, but also as a really, really fat chick. Mr Murphy - do not be surprised if a little gold gentleman I like to call "Oscar" comes a-calling. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll leave the theatre, and call all of your black friends just to say, "hey".

Hannibal Rising

A historical documentary, detailing the incredible journey of the Carthaginian general Hannibal, as he attempted to destroy the Roman Empire by leading his army over the Alps (hence, the "Rising") and into Italy. Did you know that Hannibal took elephants with him? Everyone knows that Italians are terrified of elephants, so that was pretty damn smart. This movie loses some points though - I totally would have put a couple elephants on the poster for marketing purposes (elephants - they're this year's penguin), and what's up with the mask on the dude's face? I'm assuming that if you're about to start one of the Punic Wars, you want to be able to breathe freely.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is a strong word. And it takes a strong man to use a strong word. Fortunately, I'm fucking ripped.

I hate Ticketmaster (henceforth referred to as "Ticketbastard".) One of the things I hate about Ticketbastard is their bizarre math. For example, let's pretend I want to go see the three-headed bizarro dinosaur mentioned in my previous post play the LA Clippers tomorrow afternoon. I find 2 upper bowl seats at the ACC, at the price of $56.60 each. How much should I have to pay for these seats? If you answered $113.20 you're:

a) pretty good at math; and
b) incredibly naive.

In fact, purchasing the aforementioned pair of tickets would cost you $133.45. You see, you need to include the convenience charge, the order processing charge, and the TicketFast deliver charge. For some concerts, there's even a "Facility Fee", which caused one JTC Executive member to comment, "If I'm paying to keep the place clean, I'm planning on urinating in the corner."

A further recent innovation by Ticketbastard, designed to prevent scalpers from mass-purchasing tickets, is the requirement to type in a series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen prior to searching for the tickets. Unfortunately, this process also unfairly discriminates against the able-sighted, as the series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen frequently don't resemble anything on my keyboard. For example:

WTF? Let's just start with that "letter" that's right in the middle. Is that a "D"? An "O"? A "0"? There's nothing more enjoyable than realizing that a concert or sporting event that you desperately want to attend is in the process of selling out, as you head-butt your keyboard, hoping that the random series of characters your forehead produces somehow matches what these (ticket) bastards are looking for.

To avoid the keyboard head-butting, sometimes I call the baboons at the Ticketbastard call centre. On one occasion, I called the US Ticketbastard phone number, as I was planning on attending an event in Buffalo. During the call, I "enjoyed" this exchange:

Baboon: "You're from Canada?"

JohnnyM: "Yes."

Baboon: "I really like Canada Dry ginger ale."

JohnnyM: "That's terrific."

Bottom line: I think I can safely state that I truly hate Ticketbastard. And you should too.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Let's pretend....

Let's pretend that you run the Toronto Raptors. Over the last few years, you have been the laughing stock of the Eastern Conference, which happens to be the laughing stock of the NBA. Suddenly, something incredible starts to happen, and your team begins to play well (relatively speaking). You're playing .500 ball, lead your division, and are right in the playoff race. Things are going great, right? Well they're going to get better.

Today, the league announced quite the trifecta - for the Eastern Conference, Sam Mitchell was named Coach of the Month, Andrea Bargnani was named Rookie of the Month, and Chris Bosh was named Player of the Month. Truly impressive. You're proud of your team, your players and your coach, and you decide to run a story on your website. The only thing left to determine is what graphic will you post with the story.

Here's what they came up with:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.