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Saturday, February 03, 2007

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is a strong word. And it takes a strong man to use a strong word. Fortunately, I'm fucking ripped.

I hate Ticketmaster (henceforth referred to as "Ticketbastard".) One of the things I hate about Ticketbastard is their bizarre math. For example, let's pretend I want to go see the three-headed bizarro dinosaur mentioned in my previous post play the LA Clippers tomorrow afternoon. I find 2 upper bowl seats at the ACC, at the price of $56.60 each. How much should I have to pay for these seats? If you answered $113.20 you're:

a) pretty good at math; and
b) incredibly naive.

In fact, purchasing the aforementioned pair of tickets would cost you $133.45. You see, you need to include the convenience charge, the order processing charge, and the TicketFast deliver charge. For some concerts, there's even a "Facility Fee", which caused one JTC Executive member to comment, "If I'm paying to keep the place clean, I'm planning on urinating in the corner."

A further recent innovation by Ticketbastard, designed to prevent scalpers from mass-purchasing tickets, is the requirement to type in a series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen prior to searching for the tickets. Unfortunately, this process also unfairly discriminates against the able-sighted, as the series of letters and numbers that appear on the screen frequently don't resemble anything on my keyboard. For example:

WTF? Let's just start with that "letter" that's right in the middle. Is that a "D"? An "O"? A "0"? There's nothing more enjoyable than realizing that a concert or sporting event that you desperately want to attend is in the process of selling out, as you head-butt your keyboard, hoping that the random series of characters your forehead produces somehow matches what these (ticket) bastards are looking for.

To avoid the keyboard head-butting, sometimes I call the baboons at the Ticketbastard call centre. On one occasion, I called the US Ticketbastard phone number, as I was planning on attending an event in Buffalo. During the call, I "enjoyed" this exchange:

Baboon: "You're from Canada?"

JohnnyM: "Yes."

Baboon: "I really like Canada Dry ginger ale."

JohnnyM: "That's terrific."

Bottom line: I think I can safely state that I truly hate Ticketbastard. And you should too.

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