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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Things That Drive Me Insane Vol. 4 - People Who Can't Find Their Seats

Well, after Volume 3 of this incredible series was posted, I've been inundated with requests for more things that people can do to piss me off, so here we go: WTF is up with peeps who can't find their seats when they have a perfectly clear ticket in their hand, and perfectly clear seat signage?

Let's start with some recent examples of this. Last week, I was in the shit-hole of Surrey, British Columbia, just outside of Vancouver. (Apologies to anyone from Surrey, but I mean come on - the city's slogan should be "It's not a crack house - it's a crack HOME".) On both my flight to Vancouver and back, some fucking dumbass was convinced that they should be sitting in my seat, despite the fact that the sign above the seat clearly indicated that they were not. I really enjoyed the idiocy of the woman on my flight to Vancouver who - once she took her correct seat beside me - decided to wake me up at one point, to enquire if I was using her seatbelt. I wasn't because that's...you know...FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. But thanks for waking me up.

While these seat-morons are irritating on flights, where they really tweak my nipples is at sporting events. I mainly attend Leafs and Raptors games at the Air Canada Centre, and I really don't know how the sections and seats could be more clearly marked. Additionally, there are ushers (aka "Idiot Gate-Keepers") at every entrance into each section to direct illiterate morons. I can only imagine the chaos if these guys weren't there. Despite this fact, at virtually every game I go to, there always seems to be mass confusion a row or two in front of me shortly after the start of the game where people argue over whose seats are whose, punctuated with much head-scratching and staring at tickets. More enraging? This always seems to happen during a Leafs power play.
I never know how to finish these posts. I'm usually so worked up that I feel like flinging my keyboard through the monitor, so why don't we just end this here.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Beautiful Transit Anarchy

The scene
I’m onboard a Toronto Transit Commission subway car, work-bound. I board at Christie station, and take the Bloor line east to St. George station, at which point I had planned to transfer to a southbound train to the downtown core. Upon arrival at St. George, it’s apparent that this commute will be seriously disrupted.

The problem
As I get off Bloor line subway, I’m on the lower level of the station (see the cross section of Clusterfuck HQ below). I’m shocked to find that there has been so much delay on the North/South line on the floor above, that the backlog of passengers has filled the stairway, stopping me one third of the way up the stairs from the bottom floor (as our regular readers would know, TTC service disruptions make us some of us pretty excited, as do strikes, terrorism, guerilla warfare and the proliferation of nuclear weapons).

The following (cherished) societal abnormalities result from this situation

  • As I turn to get back on the Bloor line, I find the passengers from the trains that came in after mine have now filled the entire bottom floor, and the bottom third of the stairwell on which I’m standing.
  • Anyone with a hint of claustrophobia starts seriously freaking out, mindlessly and stressfully asking people next to them what’s going on. When one of these cool cats shakes the question out of their quivering lips to me, I say “umm, looks like a lot of people are taking the subway today.”
  • The escalator keeps moving up to the second floor and there isn’t space on the second floor. But people keep boarding and then coming off the escalator like lemmings. As they come off at the top, the density of bodies keeps increasing, reaching a point of overcapacity distinguished by the crowd’s angry grunts and shrieks.
  • The passengers on the bottom floor who want to go to street level (again, see cross-section of station above) start realizing they are trapped. Obviously waiting out what is likely to be a short 20 minute ordeal is not an option, and instead they do the sensible thing and try to climb up the backs of the people on the packed stairwell.
  • Two ladies ahead of me are shoved backwards, and I catch them, forced backwards with the hard heel of my dress shoe only half on my stair. I manage to keep it together by grabbing for a rail, which is a good thing as I would’ve absolutely crushed the four-foot grandma behind me, and likely others in the human-avalanche that would’ve ensued.
  • A few stairs up from me, two guys who were a little to close for comfort had a face-to-face 'fuck you' competition, cussing each other out and looking like a rumble was going to ensue. When they realized that this would require fighting in a very tight crowd on a stairway, they gave closing gestures and turned away. The funny part: they had to then stand there steaming at each other for 20 minutes, shoulder to shoulder and faces turned away like some old married couple after a fight. Hilarious.

Of course, when I told JohnnyM about all this, that anarchist asshole was fucking elated and wished he could've been there.

Monday, June 02, 2008

JTC Hotness Contest, Volume 2: Bette Midler vs. Barbara Streisand

My co-board member Pchrist recently saw what he thought was a picture of Bette Midler. Being totally into that genre of music (and steeped in gayness), JohnnyM promptly corrected him, indicating that it was in fact Barbara Streisand. Given the many similarities between these 60-something Jewish goddesses, I can see how Pchrist mistook one for the other. So, following the inspiring (and somewhat gay) path that JohnnyM has blazed (flamed?), I'll attempt to show the subtle differences between these aging songstresses, and through the course of that exercise, decide who is hotter.

Hotness Category 1 - Nickname

Bette: "The Devine Miss M"
Barbara: "Babs"

Edge: Obviously "Babs".

Hotness Category 2 - Jewishness

Bette: Known to pepper her speech with yiddish
Barbara: Won't even press elevator buttons on Sabbath

Edge: Barbara, by a schtickle.

Hotness Category 3 - Singing voice

Bette: Sultry, with occasional schtick
Barbara: It's not without it's chutzpah

Edge: I want to be the wind beneath Midler's wings.

Hotness Category 4 - Nose

Bette: Average
Barbara: Schnozzle

Edge: Babs.

Hotness Category 5 - Trunk

Bette: Juicy
Barbara: What a Tuschus!

Edge: Streisand.

Simple math: it's 4-1 Babs. Mazal Tov, you hot, hot yenta.