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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Coachella Hotness Contest: Emily Haines vs. Richard Ashcroft

During JTC's recent sojurn to Southern California for the Coachella Arts and Music Festival, there were a few bands that we were quite looking forward to seeing play live. For me, the biggest draw was probably The Verve; CoCo was quite smitten with Metric.

Following these bands' performances, it became apparent that we were interested in perhaps more than just the music (although I defy any musical artist to open a set better than ripping into "This Is Music", like The Verve did). No, no - we were also quite taken with the lead singers of the respective bands. To settle the argument, I have decided to declare the first ever JTC Hotness Contest.

Step right up, peeps - it's Emily Haines of Metric versus Richard Ashcroft of The Verve:

Hotness Category #1 - Torso Attire
Haines: May not have been wearing a bra
Ashcroft: Definitely not wearing a bra (I saw nipple!)
Edge: Ashcroft
Hotness Category #2 - Footwear
Haines: No one could remember
Ashcroft: None. All that hotness has to escape somewhere
Edge: Ashcroft
Hotness Category #3 - Haircut*
Haines: "Could use a trim"
Ashcroft: "Looks way better with his hair like that"
* Quotes are courtesy of my CHP
Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #4 - Smitten JTC Board Member
Haines: CoCo T. Monkey
Ashcroft: JohnnyM
Edge: Ashcroft
Hotness Category #5 - Aging?
Haines: Yes
Ashcroft: Gracefully
Edge: Ashcroft
Hotness Category #6 - Genitalia Location
Haines: Internal
Ashcroft: External
Edge: Haines (DAMMIT!)

So there you have it - through this totally scientific process, Ashcroft wins by a clear margin of 5-1.

I'm pretty sure CoCo has sex with men, and this is gayer than that,


Anonymous said...

if i'm not mistaken, you people are SO MUCH better then stuffwhitepeoplelike, thank you for making the day of a bored worker.

JohnnyM said...

Oh anonymous,

I couldn't agree with you more. Now, if you could just tell 29 Million of your friends, and get us a book deal, we'll show the world what the boys at JTC are made of!


lisa said...

i will try, if i have to i will sell an egg to a woman who can't produce and pay for it myself

JohnnyM said...


I think we'd envisioned more of some sort of grass roots e-mail campaign, but if you feel that selling your eggs (or other body parts!) could help increase our readership, or make us fabulously rich, then I can't encourage you enough.


lisa said...

well selling the egg was to publish your book

Coco The Monkey said...

Lisa, we appreciate the egg selling. Human, chicken, osterich - whatever it takes to make a buck, we condone it.

JohnnyM - WTF is with the picture you chose for Emily Haines? If you had used this one:


It really wouldn't have been a contest. Check out that ass - quitting? It Can't. It won't.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with coco, Haines is way hotter. The judge of this contest is completely (hilariously) biased.

Anonymous said...

Emily is hooooooooooooooooot! Why are you even comparing a dude with a chick...?