Band Names, Volume II

As previously reported, during the discourse of JTC board meetings and/or emails, a phrase is sometimes used that would qualify and someone comments “Hey, that would make a great band name!”. Again, if for purposes of record only, please find the following catalogue of band names since our last update:

Dogs and Trains
Shoot Up The Fucking Cat
Grinning and the Exposed Ankles
Proxy Recipient
Flight opportunity
Mama MFP
Junkie Cat
Breastmilk White Russian
The Milk Machine
Slut Dressing
Colon baggies
One Trick Pony
Thinly Veiled Sexual References
Women's Emergent Needs
Horny for Summerhill
No pillow fights, no operas
CASTLE FRANK IS NEXT!
Zese baby pools
Allegations of polygamy
Being Overly Ornery
Breaking Out The Ark
Stay For The Booze
Latent Homosexual Tendencies
Tee Freaks At The Y

The chronicle of the traveling pants

The saga has come to an end, with Coco coming out on top and with a brand new pair of pants. I probably could've taken Gehan to task with the horrendous spelling in the last email, but I opted to end it quietly instead.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 4:35 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Ok you win! Can’t have you destroying the planet due to my liking for fine Canadian tailoring! The issue will be resolved today.

(please note that the banter is not of my usual high customer relations standards;-) )

Have yourself a lovely evening.

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Gehan Eriyagama
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 11:52 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: Laundry

Dear Mr Monkey,

Please firstly let me apologise for the inconvenience you have suffered regarding the wait for your pants. I can promise you this is not the service we usually offer to our guests. I am committed to resolving this situation as fast as possible. Could you please confirm some details with me to help speed up the process.

What colour were the pants?
What make were the pants?
Who collected the pants from your room?

Thank you for your assistance and patience Mr Monkey. I will endeavour to put a close to this matter ASAP.

Kind Regards Gehan

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 3:47 PM
To: Gehan Eriyagama
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Laundry

Dear Gehan,

I’ve come to realize that the subject garment is definitely not a pair of “pants”, per your regional dialect, but is rather a pair of ‘trousers’. They are a green colour – I’d put the shade somewhere in between “I can’t believe you lost my pants olive” and “I wonder how often you guys screw up like this forest”.

They are made by Banana Republic, which is a subsidiary of Gap Inc., not a Latin American country that is politically unstable, dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique.

Due to the urgency in which I needed the pantaloons returned, I was instructed to drop them off at the front desk in a hotel-provided garment bag (which might as well have been a body bag for trousers, evidently). I’m assuming they were put out with the trash.

After reading your questions, I’d rate myself as “concerned”, “frustrated”, and “ruggedly handsome”.

If the hotel doesn’t know where the trousers are, why would the hotel wait weeks to respond to my calls and emails? We were hoping the problem, ie. the owner of said trousers, would just go away?

I can assure you, Ms. Gehan, this is definitely not the case.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Gehan Eriyagama
Sent: Friday, August 24, 2007 6:54 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Laundry

Hi Coco,

Unfortunately I can not find your trousers, I hold my hands up as we are at fault. I would like to pay for a replacement pair. Could you buy a new pair and either scan the receipt and email it to me or post it to me on the below address.

The Paramount Carlton Hotel
North Bridge
Edinburgh
Scotland
EH1 1 SD

If you pass your credit card details to me I will have the amount refunded to your card. Thanks Coco for your patients and understanding. I apologise for any inconvenience and will try and resolve this from my end as fast as possible,

Thanks again Gehan

Caught with my pants down

As previously reported, The Carlton hotel in Edinburgh lost a valued pair of pants. My follow up activities with the hotel are getting interesting, so I thought I'd share my progress. Below is the thread to date, unedited (save names and email addresses). I've put the thread in chronological order. More updates will be posted as they become available.

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2007 5:30 PM
To: 'Carlton Reservations'
Cc: 'stay@paramount-hotels.co.uk'
Subject: Missing Laundry
Importance: High

To Whom It May Concern:

I stayed at the Paramount Carlton in Edinburgh for the nights of July 30th and 31st (room 235). I put a pair of pants in the laundry service on arrival, and found the next day that they had not come back from the service and I wouldn't have them before flying out of Edinburgh on the 1st. I was not happy with this given I called the front desk multiple times on the 31st to confirm they were going to be back in time. I was told they would be sent by mail.

I called last Friday having still not received the pants here in Canada. I was told they did not know if they had been posted, but that they would call housekeeping and call me back by Monday. I did not hear anything.

I am not willing to spend more money on transatlantic calls to collect on a pair of pants. Can you please get the appropriate people to figure this out in short order and give me a status and expected arrival. I'm not pleased with how this situation has been handled to date.

I need someone with accountability to close this issue.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 17 August 2007 19:58
To: 'Carlton Reservations'
Cc: 'stay@paramount-hotels.co.uk'
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

To Whom It May Concern:

I am incredibly frustrated in that I have still not received a response to this inquiry. Please respond and find resolution to my issue as soon as possible.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Monday, August 20, 2007 7:01 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Mr. Monkey,

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your email today and I thank you for bringing your comments to our attention. Please accept my apologies for any disappointment caused.

I have requested the hotel to investigate and respond directly to you. I will closely monitor the actions taken and the outcome of the situation.

You should receive a formal response from the hotel very shortly, which I trust will resolve any queries and answer your concerns. Should you require any further assistance in the meantime or in the future, then please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 21 August 2007 22:04
To: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Bernice,

To clarify, I've learned that by 'pants', for you Scots, I should actually be saying 'trousers'.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Tuesday, August 21, 2007 5:15 PM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Coco,

I hope you don't mind me saying, a few had a giggle, but we knew we were looking for trousers.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Best wishes,

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 21 August 2007 22:39
To: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dearest Bernice,

Fair enough, but instead of giggling about my confusing underpants with slacks, perhaps you guys could, you know, actually find my trousers, and return them to me as soon as possible?!

Not to get my pants in a knot, but if you lost said knickers (which I'm assuming you did since you still have no response on the matter), I'd appreciate you coming clean on it.

At this point, I think it's fair the Carlton refund me the value of the missing britches ($100 CAD, about 50 quid) by way of cash reversal on my visa.

At the risk of lodging legging-related threats, without any remuneration for what is ultimately the Carlton's inability to clean and return a pair of longies, I will have to resort to exercising my only avenue of retaliation and post an unfavorable review of your hotel on widely-used tourist websites.

My legs and I are not looking forward to a Canadian winter without my pantaloons.

Regards,
Coco

----- Original Message -----
From: Bernice Heard
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Tue Aug 21 17:39:32 2007
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Coco,

No disrespected intended, I have been out of the office for a couple of days, but will be back on Thursday. I am not based at the Carlton, for if I was this would have been sorted out ages ago.

I will look into finding your pantaloons in the morning again or as suggested that we get you a new pair for those legs we don't want getting cold.

Have a lovely day,

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

----- Original Message -----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
To: Bernice Heard
Sent: Tue Aug 21 19:31:54 2007
Subject: Re: Missing Laundry

Bernice, you cunning adversary,

Not basing yourself at the Carlton and taking the hostage longjohns away from the scene of the crime was a brilliant move, but you have no idea what you are up against. Never bet against a Canadian when pants (REAL pants) are on the line.

If I do not receive a picture of the poor legwarmers shown with a copy of today's Scotsman (so I know there isn't any funny business going on) within 30 minutes, I will be forced to disregard your wishes and hastily destroy the environment by printing a copy of this email, and will remain doing so every half hour until the situation changes, or until deforestation's ugly son, Global Warming, forces sea level rise to do my dirty work, making Arthur's seat but an island.

Check, and mate.

Coco

Instructions for snapping

Not ours, from a friend's facebook post, but I felt it was so good it warranted posting. The first two comments on the page are fucking fantastic.

We Like To TIA. Don't Like It? WTF? GFY!

We here at JTC (Jump To Conclusions) have a habit of doing a lot of TIA (talking in acronyms). For that reason, I felt it would be good to explain to you - our loyal reader(s) - what some of our favourite acronyms mean, so that you too can exchange "HFS" e-mail flurries with your friends and family. Here you go:

CHP - Co-Habitational Partner

You live together. You get to see each other naked. Perfect.

GFY - Go Fuck Yourself

Usually used in response to a "Why am I the only one posting on the blog?" e-mail. Frequently used as an e-mail sign-off - e.g. "GFY, JohnnyM"

GTH - Gun To Head

Used when discussing an upcoming meeting or task that will likely be excruciating - e.g. "I have an all day meeting booked with those technology guys. GTH." Frequently used in association with the following clipart:

GYEA - Greater Yonge and Eglinton Area

Prior to us all working downtown, a common meeting area for the JTC Board of Directors. Location where many of our most brilliant ideas (Human Style, anyone?) were created. Spending too much time in this area can frequently result in raging hangovers.

HFS - Holy Fucking Shit

Used to express surprise. Usually, it's not good news.

SIUYA - Shove It Up Your Ass

Used to express irritation. Can be used in conjunction with GFY.

WTF? - What The Fuck?

Used when one is feeling incredulous towards a situation - e.g. "WTF? Is someone having sex in that car?"

*F* - (First initial) Fucking (Last Initial)

Used as a code to describe hated co-workers. For example - you work with an asshole named John Smith? No you don't - you work with JFS. Considered unbreakable by most modern cryptologists.

Please feel free to start using these acronyms liberally, and leave us some comments if you see any glaring omissions. Of course, we'll probably tell you to SIUYA.

Sex in a Car

Step #1: Open the car door
Step #2: Get in the car
Step#3: Start having sex

For you JTC aficionados out there, I would like to consider this post a sequel of sorts to Co-Co's classic "Condom Conundrum" post.

As many (both) of you know, each August, the area of Toronto in which I live hosts a quiet little festival called "Taste of the Danforth". Here's a picture of a few of the festival goers to give you an idea of what's going on:


Alright - so in reality, it's fucking teeming with peeps. Overflowing. And when you get that many people in a small area, there's bound to be some weird shit going down. Like last year, when someone stole a car, realized you couldn't drive through a million people, so turned onto my street, and hit my neighbour's house.

This year, me and the CHP decided that we were going to leave town for the weekend, to escape the madness, but because we're whores for Greek food, return on Sunday evening to catch the end of the event. When we returned to Toronto, we naturally couldn't find a parking spot in front of our house, so parked a couple of blocks away. As I was walking around the side of our house, unloading the car, my CHP suddenly started urgently calling my name. When I asked her what was up, she responded:

"There's someone having sex in their car directly in front of our house!"

This is not a sentence I hear every day. So I walked out to the porch, and sure enough - there were two peeps going at it in their Civic approximately 2 feet from the edge of my front lawn. I honestly didn't know how to react. Should I be outraged? Angry? In reality, I was fairly amused, and quite entertained. Similar emotions seemed to be felt by my 80 year old Greek lady neighbour, who was out on her porch enjoying the hot action.

OPA!

I have misplaced my pants

So a few weeks ago I arrived in Edinburgh with the CHP after several days of hiking in the Scottish highlands, which, when travelling with a limited wardrobe, can really bring home the stink. As a result, I was looking forward to abusing the laundry service at the snazzy hotel I scored on Priceline with my rancid unmentionables.

One of the foul mentionables I handed over included a pair of pants - pants which I had planned on wearing at my next few stops in Italy. The hotel missed the 24 hour turnaround on the laundry and I had to fly out of Edinburgh without them, but with a promise from the concierge that they would be posted to my address in Canada. I said "thanks a lot, you fucking fannies", flipped him the reverse-peace-sign and kicked in a window on my way out*.

Not having received to date said pants has enraged me to the point of writing the hotel a formal complaint. While the complaint itself is not so comedic, nor is the series of events, I just wanted to share some heckling prose I just received from my CHP, who really has no concern whatsoever for my pants:

Ode to My Pants

Two legs, button,
Zipper runs straight,
Soft brown caresses,
Legs its' mate.

I packed you away,
To join my fun.
Now lost forever,
What have I done?

Oh pants - I miss you.

*Note in Scotland this sequence of events would have closely matched regular custom. In reality, I actually stuck to Canadian custom, which is to pussy out of any confrontation whatsoever and show your dissatisfaction by only being midly polite - oh man, that'll teach them.