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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Joey Jeremiah: Fashion Visionary

As “Anonymous” commented on Johnny M’s recent post, the TTC ‘Service Alert’ emails we receive (here’s an alert: the TTC’s service is shit) leave us “with no excuse to disappear for months at a time again.” I think he’s right. One such alert received today was as follows:

-----Original Message-----From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 10:35 AMTo: Monkey, Coco TheSubject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a collision at Queen & DeGrassi, the 501 Queen route is diverting from Broadview to Coxwell. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Jan 13, 2010 10:33 AM


Following receipt of this Johnny M and I had some banter about how to the kids at Degrassi High might be behind it, and Johnny M commented “I bet that Joey Jeremiah is - He’s one slick dude”. This got me thinking about Joey. My thought process was as follows:

1. Joey Jeremiah IS a pretty fucking slick dude!

I dwelled on this for a second to arrive at:

2. I think the main contributor to his slickness is the fedora.

Then I thought:

3. Isn’t it awesome that Joey wore a fedora almost twenty years before these hipsters who wear them now.

Which was followed by:

4. Joey Jeremiah has several things in common with hipsters, not just the fedora.

Which triggered the reaction:

5. Time to write a blog post.

And naturally lead to:

6. A bowel movement.

See Anonymous, I agree with you, and despite having a bowel movement, this TTC email clearly led to a blog post, and it wasn’t hard to get there at all.

With that short introduction, I present here an analysis of the common traits of Joey Jeremiah and the modern urban hipster. Based on this analysis, I can conclude that either Joey Jeremiah, the actor who played him, or the person responsible for wardrobe on the set of Degrassi was twenty years ahead of their time.




















Tuesday, January 12, 2010

JohnnyM's Quick Hits

That's right kids - another edition of my ridiculously popular "Quick Hits". Let's hit that together:

1) The 'open call' submission deadline is rapidly approaching for Nuit Blanche - all the details are here. On Thursday night, Coco and I are going out to the Leafs game ("Come for the historically bad penalty killing! Stay for the $15 beer!") and before the game we're going to work on the JTC submission for Nuit Blanche. What will it be? Who the hell knows, but if I was a betting man, I'd be wagering heavily on hilarity, a toilet, juxtapostion, and multiple strobe lights. Juxtapose! Strobe!

2) You know those losers at pubs who stand around playing that stupid virtual golf game? Yeah, well - that's us. We do that kind of a lot. And when they pulled Golden Tee out of Scotland Yard, we were all devastated. Until Coco called me and exclaimed, "I called the Elephant and Castle! They have Golden Tee! But the waitress wasn't sure which version." I was somewhat torn between the excitement of finding another place to play, and disbelief that Coco called purely to ask about the pub's Golden Tee status. Anyway, if you think that's lame, you know what's blow-your-mind lame? Putting your "great shots" on YouTube. Like my hole in one (on a par 4, suckers!) from last Friday.

3) Monday, February 15th is Family Day here in Ontario, so we all get the day off work. And I think we all know what that means: pub crawl on Sunday, February 14th. Valentine's Day? It's for lovers. Lovers of extreme intoxication.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Invasion of the Body Scanners

There’s been a lot of press about the new body imaging systems that have just been approved for several Canadian airports, and it seems a lot of people have concerns, including “privacy advocates”, who are concerned about the invasiveness of the devices. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. But before I get started, let me just say right off the top that if anyone reading this is currently hiring full-time advocates, I am totally interested. Also I’m pretty flexible - while being a privacy advocate interests me, I’d be interesting in advocating for any number of common nouns you need an advocate for, like sexuality or alcohol.

So what is the big deal with the scanners? While the image probably isn't going to be your online dating profile picture, it’s not like it’s being put up on a big screen or emailed to your relatives. And come on, who really is seeing this picture anyways? The dude working security and looking at the pictures isn’t going to leer at you after passing through and raise his eyebrows suggestively or imitate cunnilingus with lewd “v-finger cradling sexually explicit tongue” gestures (c’mon, you know what I’m talking about).

Besides, they’ve had this panty-spotting stuff available to consumers for years, and Superman has been telling women the colour of their underwear since the seventies.

Unless you typically wear a sumo-suit onto the plane, it’s not like everyone can’t get a sense of your body shape and it’s hideous flaws just by looking at you. Besides, a lot of people tend to wear shit that is way more horrifically revealing than the body image pictures are (that’s a life-changing website, by the way).

In summary, while I’m generally against the government’s frequent invasions of our privacy, a confidential scan that looks under your too-tight-linked-sausage-rolls outfit isn’t going to make news of the fact that you are a horrifically proportioned individual, and if it saves me from rubbing elbows with people who wear plastic explosives as undergarments, I support it.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

If The Market Continues To Tank, I Might Be Showin' Her My “Oh-face”


Financial markets crashing and people losing billions of dollars is no laughing matter. Fortunately, however, the pictures that various news outlets (but in particular the Globe and Mail) use with stories about financial markets crashing are fucking hilarious.

Not sure what to do with your hands? Here are three options:

 



If you're feeling a little tired, and are weary from all the money you're losing, you can also go with the single hand approach (this guy might also just be some old dude that got caught surfing the net at a library…I'm really not sure):




This guy? This guy is hands-down my all time favourite:



And if you're not clear on the title of this post, check this out.

Monday, January 04, 2010

I'm Considering Using One Of Their Competitors. Oh, Wait...

So, as previously mentioned in this fine space, two thirds of the JTC Executive (that's two out of the three of us) rely on the Toronto Transit Commission for our daily commute to and from our real jobs (apart from when Coco rides his girl's bike with the streamers on the handlebars in the summer).

Yesterday, the TTC raised their prices so that a single ride now costs $3. When the fare hike was announced back in November, shockingly it really didn't sit too well with a lot of peeps. You can see all the details of the new fare structure here.

In addition to enraging its clients, the TTC offers another service, where you can sign up to receive automated emails regarding delays throughout the transit system. I've enrolled in this program, and typically receive about half a dozen emails a week.

Since the fare hike occurred less than 48 hours ago, here's a run down of the emails I've received:

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 3:35 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a smell of smoke at Eglinton Stn there is no service on the YUS line between Bloor and Lawrence Stns. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 3:32 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 3:35 PM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 3:41 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay we were experiencing at Eglinton Stn has now cleared and full service on the Yonge University Spadina line has resumed.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 3:36 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 3:40 PM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 6:30 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a smell of smoke at track level at Eglinton Stn there is no service on the Younge University Spadina line from Bloor to Lawrence Stns

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 6:29 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 6:30 PM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 6:42 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay we were experiencing at Eglinton Stn has now cleared and full service on the Yonge University Spadina line has resumed.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 6:41 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 6:41 PM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 8:25 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Weather related mechanical and signal issues are causing longer then normal wait times on the YUS and Bloor lines.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 8:21 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 8:25 AM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:05 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: the delays on the Yonge line and on the Bloor line have cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:02 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:05 AM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:35 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Mechanical issues are causing delays on the Yonge line from Finch to Eglinton station.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:33 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:35 AM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:57 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay on the Yonge line has cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:56 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:57 AM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 11:33 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a power off situation, there is no service on the Yonge line between Finch and Lawrence station.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 11:31 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 11:32 AM


From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 12:01 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay on the Yonge line has cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 11:58 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 12:00 PM


From: My TTC
To: JohnnyM
Sent: Mon Jan 04 19:01:07 2010
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to signal problems Eastbound at Donlands Stn there will be slower than normal service from Jane to Donlands Stns for approx one hour.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 7:00 PM


With the possible exception of what I'm sure is a totally awesome new smoke machine at Eglinton station, it's a little hard to figure out what the revenue from the fare hike is being used for. I think my favourite from the list above is at 8:25am, during the morning rush hour today: "Weather related mechanical and signal issues are causing longer then normal wait times on the YUS and Bloor lines", which basically seems to be a short hand for saying, "Trying to get somewhere? Don't."

Bra-vo.