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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

One Year On The Fake Corporate Calendar

As both our readers know, December 20th marks the one year point for the JTC Inc blog. I thought this would be a good opportunity to take a look back at the previous 12 months.

Over the past year, we've had 64 posts, which means we've averaged more than one a week, but as our avid reader(s) know, there have been a few points of where we've run fairly dry for extended periods - we'll try to avoid that in the future.

One thing I would like to point out is that all e-mails I am sent from my fellow board members go into a specific folder in my Outlook. Since last December 20th, this folder has received 1,838 e-mails. If you figure that there are about 250 working days in a year (we tend not to e-mail each other on the weekends - too hungover), that means that on average, I receive over 7 e-mails a day from Co-Co and PChrist. Let's get that over 10 next year, gents!

Finally, as some of you know, when we send e-mails to each other, we tend not to sign them off in a regular fashion - for example, they wouldn't say: "Thanks, Co-Co", or "Regards, PChrist". We usually end with something witty, pertaining to the content of the e-mail - for example, "Holy shit I hate you, JohnnyM" I decided to start looking through the 1,838 e-mails, for what I thought were some of the best examples of our e-mail sign-offs. Going through 1,838 e-mails? I'm not going to shit you, it takes a while. I recorded some of my favourites, and while I was originally hoping to get this down to a Top 10 list, I had some trouble, and only managed to whittle it down to a Top 117. Here they are, in chronological order:

Blatantly disregarding the 'do not forward',
War - what is it good for?,
Hamas High,
Fundamentally Islamic,
Leadership is key,
I'll thank you not to look at my yaw axis,
Beyond Thunderdome,
Iron fist,
Firing off useless emails,
Hypocritically yours,
Stupid freeloading babies,
So sane it's blowing your mind,
They're the ones writing it off,
Yours in extremism,
In the distance a babe weeps,
Leaders are like eagles - we don't have any around here,
I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work,
Nice use of 'trysts',
Man made prisons,
Fucking washing machines,
Considering redeeming my outstanding debentures,
And my dog too,
Starting to get the alcoholic shakes,
I'm E-tarded,
Fucking Chavez,
Scottish Ass,
Skillz,
Let me know if any of the above makes me sound like an alcoholic,
Nuclear freaks,
Already embezzling the profits,
Working,
Homophobe,
Mmmmmm,
My talents are wasted here,
Hope your pregnancy is going smoothly,
I wish I could quit you,
Whoring,
Bowling is the best medicine,
Regretting not having the notebook on me,
You're such a looser,
*shivering in disgust*,
Fucking earful,
Inappropriate,
Fucking pirates,
We're in a rain delay,
Hemorrhaging,
You're both fucking frauds,
Sandals Taliban,
Let me know your deepest feelings,
Tighter pyramid,
Getting ready for 2 furlongs,
Dovetail,
Ignoring important work e-mails to follow-up on all my JTC e-mails,
JTC comes first,
Off to rodeo,
Redundancy Department of Rendancy,
Feels like we're having an affair,
Hoping someone is reading this email thread over at corporate security,
That son of a bitch is ice-cold,
Completely insensitive,
Danse contact,
Shirking responsibility,
Rioting... may we all be so lucky,
Fucking Granolas,
Looking forward to the freak-out response,
Hiatus,
The average age in our department is now hovering around 16 years old,
Let's spend the next 30 mins planning how we are leaving work in 30 minutes,
You fucking thief,
Your problem,
So looking forward to going drinking,
Now seriously contemplating going home to drink by myself,
Not insane,
Looking forward to restructuring this fall,
I've told everyone I know,
In the 21st Century you can block email,
You reek of sudoku,
Ballsweat,
Will somebody please think of the children,
I don't really care, I'm just trying to avoid having you develop unsatisfactory levels of moisture on your balls,
I have people skills,
Let me see if I have anything available as a mock up,
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery,
In all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats, I never saw one riding a pony,
I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up,
I HAD A PONY!,
Can't wait to leave at noon,
Uni-tasking,
Wishing my name was Duke,
Yeah, that's right - I pumped her,
Next thing you know you'll be helping him move,
Feelin' slutty,
Just fucking eat it,
Case of the Tuesdays,
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
I'm kind of busy over here,
Head for open waters, Big Tuna,
Walking the plank,
I fear change,
Trash-talkin' the potluck,
H5N1,
Man, that’s a lot of money - let me know if you want to talk about it,
You are a human calculator,
Not hating my current job so much anymore,
For the record, I received 31 emails from you sluts yesterday,
Spending more time on my $3.33/week job than my full time salaried job,
Getting fitted for a lead suit,
That's why their $509 stock is $509 more than our stock,
It's always your fault,
Case of the Thursdays,
Fucking Milton,
Wanting to respond with a knee in the crotch,
It’s coming out of my pores,
I'm going home now, please ensure you get all our work done today,
It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt! ,
I’m defending a television show - life has got to have more meaning than this,
Really easy to concentrate on this report I’m reading,

Good Lord, I love my fake job,
JohnnyM

4 comments:

Randl07 said...

"there have been a few points of where we've run fairly dry for extended periods - we'll try to avoid that in the future."

...note that there could be a direct correlation to your 'follow-through' on improvements, and the frequency of purchases at the JTC Inc. Store

JohnnyM said...

Damn you, Randl07. Damn you. As despite the fact that I came up with your name, I've decided it's stupid. I'll post an entry in the next couple of days, you blog-whore.

Anonymous said...

"Next couple of days" > 7

JohnnyM said...

As Co-Co stated at our brief JTC meeting this past Thursday, considering no one filled out our survey (the link is at the top right of the main page), there sure are a lot of people who seem to check out the blog, and think that we owe them something.

Just kidding - we love our reader(s).