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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Yes, you can speak to the head of the household

So until the CRTC sets up the Canadian telemarketing 'no-call' list similar to the one in the US, we all have to put up with unsolicited corporations who really would like to get to know a bit more about us over the phone, and especially when you just sat down to eat, or are expecting an important call and therefore run the phone.

I've heard many ways of dealing creatively with these calls, such as picking up the phone and leaving it off the hook, asking them for their home phone number, etc. All good times. Tonight I lost my mind, however, and I wanted to share the dialogue.

Coco: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hi there, can I speak to Mr. Monkey?"

Coco: "Only if he can speak to a telemarketer."

Caller: "Ok, um, my name is Darren and I'm calling from Volkswagen. I'm calling about recent service you had - do you have time for a quick survey about your service experience?"

Coco: "I have a survey of my own - do you have some time?"

Darren: "Um, the survey should only take a few minutes."

Coco: "Ok, I'll keep my survey to a few minutes. First question - you've asked me to do a survey; how likely do you think it is that I will actually do your survey - very likely, likely or not likely?"

Darren: "You don't have to participate if you don't wish to, but your input is highly valued as a Volkswagen customer."

Coco: "Second question - How soon do you think I will hang up? Immediately, ten seconds from now, or five minutes from now. Remember, your answer should be based on your own personal experiences."

Darren: "Thanks for your time today, Mr. Monkey."

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