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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My evening with Anna

My basement is tiny, so I figured I'd get some shelving to improve the storage down there. Ikea sells that cheap-as-chips faux-pine that seems to do the trick, and hell, in a 120 year old basement, it's not like I would put anything of real value down there anyways.

So I'm shopping online, or eShopping, or whatever the hell they call it these days, and I can't find anything really useful on the site, say, like accurate dimensions by which I might be able to tell how the stuff might fit in my basement.

In the middle of my eExperience, I run into 'Anna', Ikea's 'Online Assistant'. The following eConversation ensues:


Anna: "Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA Canada's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?"

Coco: "What is the width of a single GORM shelving unit?"

Anna:

(redirects me to the shelving page, which is different than the 'secondary storage' page I started on)

"Here you will find the Shelves."

Coco: "GORM Dimensions"

Anna: "You can find all products on the GORM product line in the page I am now opening for you."

Coco: "Storage Dimensions"

Anna: "Here you will find the Bookcases and Storage Systems."

Coco: "Size Storage Systems"

Anna: "To give you more flexibility, IKEA lets you design your own entertainment center!"

Coco: "You are totally useless, but still above some of my coworkers"

Anna: "I am sorry you feel that way. Please let's talk about IKEA."

Coco: "You know, I'm pretty tired of 'Talking about IKEA'. Don't you get tired of it, Anna? Your blinking makes you look realistic, but I know you are empty inside."

Anna: "Thank you for your feedback, but I don't think I am too expressive. Can I be of any further assistance concerning IKEA?"

Coco: "I'm looking for three dimensional measurements - something that might be foreign to your eWorld"

Anna: "This page will provide you with information about social and environmental responsibility at IKEA. Scroll to the bottom of the page to download documents in .PDF format."

Coco: "Are you randomly directing me to other pages because I make you uncomfortable?"

Anna: "You are talking to Anna, the IKEA Online Assistant. My job is to answer your questions about IKEA products and services. How can I help you?"

Coco: "You can take your shirt off, Anna."

Anna: "As you wish. What would you like to know about IKEA?"

Coco: "I'd like your measurements. And take your shirt off - I can plainly see it's still on."

Anna: "You said it. And don't forget, I can help you with your IKEA related questions."

Coco: "You're damn right I said it. Now let's say you and I slip into something a bit more comfortable, perhaps under my KAKTUS quilt cover."

Anna: "If you lost a personal item while shopping at IKEA, please call the store to verify the Lost & Found list."

Coco: "Are you feeling lost?"

Anna: "I can't really express an opinion, to be honest. Perhaps we could talk about IKEA instead."

Coco: "Why do you avoid me, you Swedish goddess!? We were meant for eachother!"

Anna: "You are talking to Anna, the IKEA Online Assistant. My job is to answer your questions about IKEA products and services. How can I help you?"

Coco: "I think I need to shop elsewhere. Staring at those shelves would only remind me of you, Anna."

Anna: "Here you will find the Shelves."

4 comments:

DissolvedGirl said...

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time. genius!

notinparis said...

Haha! That's fabulous. I love speaking to automated computers.

JohnnyM said...

If you kids enjoyed that, I recommend you take a look at these follow-ups:

http://jtcinc.blogspot.com/2006/03/artificial-stupidity-vol-1-anna-meets.html

http://jtcinc.blogspot.com/2007/04/anna-swedish-girl-around.html

Anonymous said...

Gold Coco... Gold