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Saturday, April 19, 2008

WTF Volume 4: Calgary

Welcome to the fourth installment of JTC Inc.'s "WTF" series, where we highlight things that make us say "What the fuck?". This edition deals with Alberta's largest city, Calgary: gateway to the west. And by "the west", we mean "rampant crack smoking".

The ludicrously short Calgary (nee Husky) Tower


WTF Factor: Head recoil with eyeroll

Usually the narrow form factor of a tower is used to achieve greater heights than surrounding buildings of standard design, but not in the case of this embarrassingly short edifice from which the Husky company quickly disassociated itself. In a contest of phallic symbols, The CN Tower makes this look like a nipple.

Trailer Park Tuxedoes

WTF Factor: Cringe with groan

Jeans. Jean shirt. Jean Jacket. This class outfit is a Calgarian staple, even in the business district. With every second person around me consistently draped in denim, I felt out of place in an actual suit.






The Idiotic Street/Avenue/Quadrant System

WTF Factor: Clenched "I'll get you!" fist shake

Albertan Urban Planners must be smoking B.C. bud, because they decided to combine the 'avenue/street' cross-hatch city plan with the 'ne/se/sw/ne quadrant' plan. The resultant layout means not only does each avenue intersect itself (ie. 9th and 9th), but there are two of each intersection (ie. two 9th & 9th's). Perfect for the hammered out-of-towner trying to give directions to a cab driver.

Plus 15

WTF Factor: Gestures suggesting masturbation

Instead of being a real city and burrowing beneath the earth, the city decided to escape Old Man Winter's chilly spank by building walkways "Plus 15" feet above ground. Welcome to Calgary: Despite bathing in oil, we're still lame and cheap.



The Number of Transient Crack Smokers
WTF Factor: Turned-up-the-wrong-street regretful frown

Actually, although there were a lot of crack smokers, what was weirder was the number of addicts on the streets generally. The fun part is seeing who can get the least number of needles stabbed in their arm while running by the Cecil Hotel.

The Red "Mile"
WTF Factor: Both palms facing upwards
The fact that a few Flames' supporters bars are within a three-block length in a four-kilometer strip-mall called 17th Avenue is great, but Calgarian's belief that these these bars cover a "mile" might explain the Calgary Tower's height.

JTC Inc. would like to extend our deepest apologies and sympathies to Calgarians; Apologies, for the above scathing commentary about your municipality, and sympathies, because your city really, really sucks.

5 comments:

Alex G said...

the "jean tuxedo" thing is not solely a Canadian phenomenon... I've seen it in Southern Utah.

Alex G said...

the "jean tuxedo" thing is not solely a Canadian phenomenon... I've seen it in Southern Utah.

Alex G said...

the "jean tuxedo" thing is not solely a Canadian phenomenon... I've seen it in Southern Utah.

Alex G said...

the "jean tuxedo" thing is not solely a Canadian phenomenon... I've seen it in Southern Utah.

Alex G said...

the "jean tuxedo" thing is not solely a Canadian phenomenon... I've seen it in Southern Utah.