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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Monday, April 14, 2008

On behalf of the entire crew, thanks for flying JTC Inc.

In the midst of loathing air travel during a recent excursion, I noticed how the whole flight safety routine with the flight crew sherades et al is little silly. There's no need to point out the only four possible exits from the hermetically sealed vessel that passengers will be riding at 30,000 feet above the earth: trust me, I'm pretty sure we know exactly where the door is in the event of an emergency, and have probably already sussed out the old ladies and children we'll need to trample to get there.

That said, the useless pointing routine could be used to alleviate the doldrums on the plane between the "sit down with your seatbelt on" time and the "get up and have sex with a stewardess in the bathroom" time; They could do a fulsome job of pointing out the insanely obvious and add the following to the routine:

"There are two exits at the front, two at the rear" *point at two exits at front, and two in rear - don't forget to blow out your guns after using them to point*

"Food goes here" *point at passenger's mouths*

"Pants go here" *point at passenger's leg/crotch areas*

"This is going to be huge!" *point at own crotch*

"Motherfucking snakes!" *point at motherfucking plane*

I think you get the idea - it could be a lot more exciting.
What doesn't need spicing up, however, is the fold out safety pamphlet geared towards those who slept through the safety procedures at takeoff and need a quick refresher as the plane dives into a tailspin. It's fucking hilarious. For instance, the pamphlet shows that during an emergency, the following will occur:
Business women will fire dashed lines out of their eyes down at helpless souls on the earth's surface:


Despite the prospect of crashing into land or water, passengers will be as enthralled as my first year archeology class (check out bearded dude just staring at the ceiling):



And more interestingly, there will be unnecessarily hot women suggestively inflating their vests:


If this is what really goes on, I very much look forward to my next emergency, in particular, having my vest inflated. As a final thought, if you take anything away from this article, please remember to adjust your own motherfucking snake before adjusting the motherfucking snake of a child.

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