Welcome to JTC Inc.

Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The JTC Shit Pubs In Toronto

After the overwhelming response to our Top 10 Pubs in Toronto list, we decided that in true JTC-fashion, it was time to stop being so damn positive and upbeat, and talk about the pubs in Toronto that we think suck pretty hard core.

So, here - in no particular order - are some pubs that we think are pretty shit:

1. The Unicorn
"An Irish Rovers Free House" indeed. The thing that pains me about this one, is that the Unicorn used to be a decent pub. We've been there tons of times, and have made quite a few stops in here on pub crawls. Shit - I used to live on the same block at this place! But over the years, something happened...the food and the service both became shit. I think I realized I had no desire to ever go back there, when one time I spent about 45 minutes just trying to pay and leave. Also, this place can really take crap live music to new depths of suckitude, especially after you hear "Mustang Sally" for the fifth time.

2. Sensual Lounge

The name? Crap. The place? Crapper. It does deserve a hat tip as being the place where we came up with the oft-referenced "Breast Milk White Russian" (give a lactating woman a shit-load of Kahlua and voila!), but major points are lost for taking no interest in serving us, not being able to give us beer, and for the high likelihood of being shot.

3. Bier Markt
Ugh. Wait in line forever. Join the mosh pit of suits at the bar. Pay $9 for a beer to impress your friends ("It's from Kazakstan!"). Gun. To. Head.

4. The Brunswick House

This was Co-Co's addition...I don't really have much of an issue with this place. I remember going there when I was 19 (and younger), and singing along to "Roll Out The Barrel Of Fun". But I trust Co-Co - it's obviously a shithole.

5. The Drake
You know...the problem with being better than everyone else is that sometimes people think you're pretentious.

Aaaaand, a couple other quick places we want to mention:

First off, Allen's. You know...this one really pains me. I'm extremely conflicted. I like the place, and the patio is terrific. The food is good, and they have a great beer and scotch selection. Buuuuuut...the service is just shit. One time when I was there, I ordered another beer. After about 20 minutes of waiting, I then asked the same waiter for the bill, which he brought me after another 20 minutes. No acknowledgement of the beer order was made. More recently, I went there at 3:30pm on a Monday, and was told that there was no room for me on the patio...unless I was ordering food. Fuck off. I can't bring myself to ban this place outright, but it's officially on probation.

Next, let's talk about the establishment that the JTC Board has designated as "Most Anticipated" - Commuter's Lounge. We've never been there, but buried in the basement of the transit hub that is Union Station sits what can only be described as one of the scariest looking establishments we've ever set eyes on. Last year, before an evening event at the convention centre, I told my friends that we'd meet here. Hilariously, when I showed up, everyone was nervously standing outside, and I was greeted with, "Are we seriously going in there?" Hilarious. We didn't, and not a day goes by that I don't regret that choice.

Finally, as previously mentioned and never discussed since, I recently completed the Ironman triathlon in Lake Placid. In honour of this impressive waste of time, the JTC Board has unanimously voted to enjoy a "Post-Ironman Pub Crawl" in late August (you can bet your sweet ass we won't be visiting any of the places listed above...apart from Commuter's Lounge). Given my recent lack of alcohol consumption, leaving me with the tolerance of a malnourished 8 year old asian girl, we will soon get to find out the answer to the below vexing equation:

No comments: