The Unusual Suspects

After having several odd experiences in the company water closet, I’ve developed a list of questions/comments I’m thinking of posing to several repeat characters I keep running into:

Guy who stores his copy of the paper on the back of the tankless toilet
I guess storing your reading material in the stall, open so you can return to the page you didn’t quite finish reading, indicates that you are not only an avid news reader, but are also a repeat customer during your workday and therefore likely have a diet that’s high in fiber – good for you. However, I might note that while your gastrointestinal health is currently strong, it may not be for long if you continue to store the materials you read with bare hands only inches from where at least a dozen other people place their bare ass and defecate.

Guy who doesn’t work in my building but uses my washroom
Ok, having run into you in the bathroom, near the elevators, on the main floor and even having seen you crossing the street, I know for a fact that you don’t work in my building, but you repeatedly come to my building, and my specific floor for Christ sakes, just to relieve yourself. I’ve heard of people visiting other floors to drop their stink bomb anonymously among strangers, but to go all the way to another building shows you hold a particularly strong sanctity in the buffer zone. However, I notice sometimes you even come to urinate. Why do you need a buffer zone for that? I mean, come on, on weekends I typically I do that right out on the street. Also, what attracted you to my floor in particular, the 3rd floor of a 32-storey building, where there are many other easily accessible bathrooms? I’m assuming you know your bathrooms and we’ve got a particularly good setup here or something. Or perhaps you don’t work in that other building either, and are just compulsively visiting various washrooms in office buildings throughout the financial district.

Guy who urinates while reading the newspaper
Really? How big is your bladder that you need entertainment while standing at a urinal? Are you even getting through the opening paragraph of the story you are reading? And what does it do for your aim when your body is contorted, twisted away from the wall so you can hold your folded broadsheet in view? Also, you keep walking away with your fly wide open while I’m still going, so I have yet to see if you actually put down the newspaper to wash and zip up. Maybe you don’t even put it down at all. Perhaps your entire life is one-handed, and you cook, eat, do push ups, drive a car and masturbate all while holding a copy of the day’s Globe in the other hand. If that’s the case, my respect, for you are a dexterous and well-informed individual.