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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Top of the goose… TO YOU!!!

We’ve all heard that Canada Geese populations in some areas of the country have grown substantially, so much so that many now consider them pests, mainly due to their getting in the way of our planes and constant shitting. All those turds are running off directly into the lake, closing beaches. And when the beaches are able to open, the concentration of fecal coliforms (“shit”) in the water is leading to skin irritation, sometimes referred to as “swimmer’s itch” (which I’ve never heard of before, but I’m assuming is something like “athlete’s foot”, or “masturbator’s hand”).

Canadian senator Nancy Ruth (oh yeah, Canada has senators that aren’t professional hockey players by the way) noticed there was more than a handful of the shit hawks around her summer home and devised a fabulous three step plan to get rid of the geese:

1. Make it legal to shoot and kill Canada geese.
2. Shoot and kill them.

I know, you're already blown away by steps one and two, and we're not even on to step three yet. You think those two steps alone would be an effective population check, right? Genius? Stop right there? Sure they would. But now you’re stuck with piles and piles of dead geese. Damn. Wait - Canada goose meat is delicious! (I think). And I know the poor need cheap eats. Old Nancy connected the dots with step three:

3. Feed the dead geese to the poor.

Applause! Outstanding work. Feed them to the poor! Why the hell didn't I think of that? You know what... this is all great stuff Nancy, but why stop here? You've got me going now; Think of the other excellent programs we could put in place. Our eateries for the down and out could be whipping up other pest species into delicious meals! Why throw roadkill in the dump when you could shave off the salvageable parts and drop it off at the local soup kitchen?

Seriously now, I don’t want to get all Rebecca Demore on you Nancy, but this all sounds a lot like Elaine’s muffin stump disposal fiasco. You see, unfortunately just because people are poor doesn’t mean we can get them to eat shit that we don’t want to eat. I know, it’s unfair.


Anonymous said...

where are you guys? one post a month is not cutting it!

JohnnyM said...

Actually, we were just waiting to receive one outraged fan comment. Now that's been taken care of, you can expect the hilarious posts to come fast and furious. I mean, do you really think we don't have funny shit to say about swine flu?