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Chaps: because if they had an ass, they'd just be called pants.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Five Years on the Fake Corporate Calendar

Yeah...we've been kinda quiet lately. AND we didn't even post anything about the G20 summit, which - as a few people have pointed out, including a commenter on the previous post - would be right in this "anarchist asshole"s wheel house. I would like to say that we did actually have a JTC G20 pub crawl, and a JTC G20 golf day. We spent the first 10 minutes of the pub crawl fixing the world's issues with the economy, the environment and maternal health (you're welcome) before we switched our focus to getting pants-shitting drunk. Still - no posts about ANY of that? Poor show.

Well - here's more good news for our reader(s): I'm leaving the country for the next four months to go travelling around Asia. Due to the wonder of the interweb, my travels don't mean that no posts will happen from me while I'm away, but they don't exactly make it more likely, I'd say.

So, let's cut to the chase...before I go, I wanted to make sure I sent out my annual "sign-offs" list. If you're not sure what this is, it's basically a listing of some of the funnier email sign-offs that we here at JTC Inc. have shared with each other over the past few months. If you love it (and who wouldn't) you can check out last year's post (which also has links to all previous versions).

On with the show (and if you keep your eyes peeled, you may even see a couple of G20-related ones in there):

I think I'd be happy for you if I wasn't so murderously jealous,

I can smell the turducken on his breath,

Completely covered in ears,

This is a bad place to work when you have a low tolerance for idiocy,

He's like a chicken that is stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey,

On the plus side, Paraguayan literacy exceeds 91%,

What am I doing at work? Watching soccer and sending you emails,

I believe it’s pronounced “FUCKING A”,

As serious as yellow fever is to the thousands of men affected each year,

Enjoy your Molotov cocktails,

I don’t capitalize “god” because I’m a jackass atheist,

Trading derivatives in the nude,

I am only thinking of his a-skillszzaa,

Up is down! Fast is slow!,

Apart from organizing the best fucking G20-themed non-G20 summit EVER!,

Miss B – she’s gonna SCHOOL YAZ!,

I'm tearing that fence down in a violent protest awash in blood and tear gas, and then we'll have a beer on your porch,

I heart anarchy,

This will give us more time for looting,

It’s not embezzling if it’s your friends,

I'm pretty sure all of those guys combined have the intelligence of a potted plant,

Don't you dare tell me I'm not properly executing a move named after me,

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers,

Happy Fingers,

I can’t believe you fucked that up,

Between you and Pete with his fucking 'happy fingers', it's no wonder we don't get anything done,

We are going steady,


Drooling like a dog in a butcher shop,

I’m like Nostradamus, only white,

Stupid beautiful pristine wilderness,

The English - all of 'em - hate,

Scheduling company meetings around fake company golfing,

Looking forward to seeing your bleeding scabby face,

You're a 2010 signoff list slut,

*darth vader telling you to stop being such a fucking girl*,

Labia are what I'm referring to,

Why don’t you get yourself a cob of well-buttered roasted corn,

I’d love to report to me,

THIS is an email that could get me fired,

Candor – it’s rarely good,

Optimism – it’s for assholes,

Thursday – it’s the new Friday,

Drinking beer, playing Golden Tee and going to a Leafs game with Johnny M is absolutely excruciating,

We’re buying beers at the ACC tomorrow night – we need to save all the money we can,

Neon Indian giver,

The cup is round,

‘Business Architect’? Why not ‘Business City Planner’?,

Just another day at the office saving lives,

The only borders these doctors don’t seem to respect are those of common courtesy,

High five,

Together, we are the equivalent on one man / fan,


Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks,

Why is it taking you so fucking long to do this, and thanks again, it’s a huge favour,

I can play your game, asshole,

"As is" - swedish for "better",

Urban Sprawl – It Grows On You!,

Consider my fancy tickled,

Discuss "real" company business at a "fake" company meeting?,

The thing about German food is no matter how much you eat you’re still hungry for power,

Fucking Cyprus!,

Watch those hands, SEXYMOMMA!,

I also find myself culturally insensitive,

Sounds like something Coco would be into,

Of course - Absolute zero!,

Let us never talk of 2009 again,

1 comment:

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