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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got, I'm just Coco from the Bloc

Either I've lost touch with the pulse of Canadian politics, or Canadian politicians have lost touch with me, and my pulse. I can't justify a ballot for any candidate, and I therefore I plan to offer the people of the Trinity-Spadina riding and myself an alternative: myself.

As I understand it, under a majority conservative government run by the robotic Stephen Harper, it's likely that gays would lose the right to choose an abortion, and women would lose the right to marry. That's right: Abortion-choosing gays and matrimonial women would lose basic human rights in this country with a conservative majority.

At 67, not only has Paul Martin probably started decaying, but his party stole money, which is generally frowned upon in the public sector. Also, I'm not a fan of the bragging, particularly about huge budget surpluses. Is a massive surplus really a good thing? If I hired someone to renovate a bathroom for me, and they quoted me $4000 for the job, and then when the job was done, they were all "Hey, actually, the job only cost $3000 - so I'll just go ahead and spend the extra $1000 on stuff I think would really spruce this place up", I would fire the guy immediately and beat the spare $1000 out of his hide.

Layton isn't so appealing either. While I'm a fan of his common-sense tone, his plan to spend $71.5 Billion over the next four years is eerily similar to the personal budgets of many of my close friends who are always asking me to borrow money.

That's why, constituents of Trinity-Spadina, I am your new voice. I feel our collective dissatisfaction with the current federalists is very much in tune with the Bloc Quebecois, and that's why I will be your Bloc candidate for Trinity-Spadina. With your vote, we can pull Trinity-Spadina out of this wasteful, undemocratic federalist regime and get a fresh start - a new, sprawling sovereign nation, right here in downtown Toronto, running from Dovercourt to University, Dupont to the lakeshore.

To the future,
L'Hon Coco The Monkey
Le Chef du Bloc Quebecois
(that's right, le fucking Chef)


pchrist said...

You can count on my vote, chef. The people of Trinity-Spadina have been persecuted too long because of the french-speaking ways. Vive le Quebec-Trinity-Spadina!!

JohnnyM said...

Dear Chef,

I will start with a garden salad, and have the NY Strip steak, medium rare. Can I see a wine list?

Johnny M