Welcome to JTC Inc

Wrong email to the wrong guy

2010-09-11T03:12:00.002-04:00

Before you read this chronological thread, a couple of disclaimers:

1. All names and email addresses have been censored, and

2. I was very pissed off at work, this is not who I normally am, and

3. If you send me an unsolicited email, buy a hat.

With that, I present an email exchange I had while "working" today:

----------
From: jack@.com [mailto:jack@.com]
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2010 9:43 AM
To: ctmonkey@gmail.com
Subject: Class

Hi John- we sent an extensive e mail last Sunday re the class and have not heard back from you ...for feedback. Then I just received an e mail from Kien saying for us to communicate with you ??? Thought that is what we did. So we are confused??? Please advise.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

----------
From: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
To: jack@.com
Subject: RE: Class
Sent: Sep 10, 2010 7:59 AM

ctmonkey@gmail.com is my email - you have the wrong email

----------
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 16:24:11 2010
Subject: Re: Class

Coco- sorry for the inconvenience not sure what the problem is but your e mail comes up Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com not ctmonkey@gmail.com. The person I am e mailing is John and that is his e mail. So you may want to check it out w gmail. John has had this email for some time and I have always e mailed him there. Sorry again.

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 16:50:35
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class

Jack,

My email is ctmonkey@gmail.com. I know that because I use it to check my gmail, and people who I actually know email me using it. I also have my gmail set up to forward to my coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com email account. That forwarding, not coincidentally, is the precise reason I'm replying to your emails and doing my damndest to convince you that you have the wrong email. Another fabulous clue that might lead you to believe me is the very non-response you are investigating.

Why don't you noodle this for a while: you keep emailing a guy and he doesn't respond, then you finally get a response by an annoyed recipient telling you that you've emailed the wrong address. You sum this up and conclude that the guy you're trying to reach is being non-responsive, and I'm somehow magically intercepting your emails, and I'm also mistaken about my own email address.

Once you've noodled that, if your conclusion is the same, please let me know and I will quickly find the nearest insane asylum to your current location where we can get you the help you need.

Best and most respectful regards,
Coco Monkey

Ps - the fact that my name is Coco Monkey and I'm getting emails you send to ctmonkey@gmail.com - yet another fantastic clue!

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:03:39 2010
Subject: Re: Class

So is that apology accepted? I was saying sorry that happened in case u forgot in your rant... and u both have the same address so good luck w that and have a nice day!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

-----Original Message-----
From: "Monkey, Coco"
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2010 17:10:27
To: 'jack@.com'
Subject: Re: Class

Jack,

You're a genius and I'm obviously not a worthy challenge. I tried to lead you astray, but your Mensa membership is going to stay in good standing - yes, we absolutely have the same email address. Not only is that possible on this planet, but your planet too!

If you'd like, I could really blow your mind and respond from ctmonkey@gmail.com just to prove it. But you know what happens when two contradicting thoughts are held in the same head, don't you Jack.

Well done, and keep up the good work. If not for me, if for mankind.

Regards from planet Earth,
Coco

----- Original Message -----
From: jack@.com
To: Coco.t.monkey@realcompany.com
Sent: Fri Sep 10 17:12:19 2010
Subject: Re: Class

My names not jack
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Monkey, Coco
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:14 PM
Subject: Fw: Class
To: "ctmonkey@gmail.com"

Dear Coco Monkey,

Please confirm this mad-hatter is crazy. For both of us.

Love,
Coco Monkey

Ps - His name isn't Jack.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Coco Monkey
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 5:17 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Class
To: jack@.com

Iif you're not wearing a hat already, go out to a hat store, buy a hat, put it on and hold the heck on to it.

Jackie boy - check this out! It's me, er I mean us, Coco Monkey, responding from my gmail account.

Love always,
Coco

Five Years on the Fake Corporate Calendar

2010-09-04T16:35:00.002-04:00

Yeah...we've been kinda quiet lately. AND we didn't even post anything about the G20 summit, which - as a few people have pointed out, including a commenter on the previous post - would be right in this "anarchist asshole"s wheel house. I would like to say that we did actually have a JTC G20 pub crawl, and a JTC G20 golf day. We spent the first 10 minutes of the pub crawl fixing the world's issues with the economy, the environment and maternal health (you're welcome) before we switched our focus to getting pants-shitting drunk. Still - no posts about ANY of that? Poor show.

Well - here's more good news for our reader(s): I'm leaving the country for the next four months to go travelling around Asia. Due to the wonder of the interweb, my travels don't mean that no posts will happen from me while I'm away, but they don't exactly make it more likely, I'd say.

So, let's cut to the chase...before I go, I wanted to make sure I sent out my annual "sign-offs" list. If you're not sure what this is, it's basically a listing of some of the funnier email sign-offs that we here at JTC Inc. have shared with each other over the past few months. If you love it (and who wouldn't) you can check out last year's post (which also has links to all previous versions).

On with the show (and if you keep your eyes peeled, you may even see a couple of G20-related ones in there):

I think I'd be happy for you if I wasn't so murderously jealous,

I can smell the turducken on his breath,

Completely covered in ears,

This is a bad place to work when you have a low tolerance for idiocy,

He's like a chicken that is stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey,

On the plus side, Paraguayan literacy exceeds 91%,

What am I doing at work? Watching soccer and sending you emails,

I believe it’s pronounced “FUCKING A”,

As serious as yellow fever is to the thousands of men affected each year,

Enjoy your Molotov cocktails,

I don’t capitalize “god” because I’m a jackass atheist,

Trading derivatives in the nude,

I am only thinking of his a-skillszzaa,

Up is down! Fast is slow!,

Apart from organizing the best fucking G20-themed non-G20 summit EVER!,

Miss B – she’s gonna SCHOOL YAZ!,

I'm tearing that fence down in a violent protest awash in blood and tear gas, and then we'll have a beer on your porch,

I heart anarchy,

This will give us more time for looting,

It’s not embezzling if it’s your friends,

I'm pretty sure all of those guys combined have the intelligence of a potted plant,

Don't you dare tell me I'm not properly executing a move named after me,

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers,

Happy Fingers,

I can’t believe you fucked that up,

Between you and Pete with his fucking 'happy fingers', it's no wonder we don't get anything done,

We are going steady,

Pokerface,

Drooling like a dog in a butcher shop,

I’m like Nostradamus, only white,

Stupid beautiful pristine wilderness,

The English - all of 'em - hate,

Scheduling company meetings around fake company golfing,

Looking forward to seeing your bleeding scabby face,

You're a 2010 signoff list slut,

*darth vader telling you to stop being such a fucking girl*,

Labia are what I'm referring to,

Why don’t you get yourself a cob of well-buttered roasted corn,

I’d love to report to me,

THIS is an email that could get me fired,

Candor – it’s rarely good,

Optimism – it’s for assholes,

Thursday – it’s the new Friday,

Drinking beer, playing Golden Tee and going to a Leafs game with Johnny M is absolutely excruciating,

We’re buying beers at the ACC tomorrow night – we need to save all the money we can,

Neon Indian giver,

The cup is round,

‘Business Architect’? Why not ‘Business City Planner’?,

Just another day at the office saving lives,

The only borders these doctors don’t seem to respect are those of common courtesy,

High five,

Together, we are the equivalent on one man / fan,

HANS BLIX!,

Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks,

Why is it taking you so fucking long to do this, and thanks again, it’s a huge favour,

I can play your game, asshole,

"As is" - swedish for "better",

Urban Sprawl – It Grows On You!,

Consider my fancy tickled,

Discuss "real" company business at a "fake" company meeting?,

The thing about German food is no matter how much you eat you’re still hungry for power,

Fucking Cyprus!,

Watch those hands, SEXYMOMMA!,

I also find myself culturally insensitive,

Sounds like something Coco would be into,

Of course - Absolute zero!,

Let us never talk of 2009 again,

Odds and ends: The best place to slaughter a pig, and make her open the box

2010-06-03T17:13:00.009-04:00

Hi folks! We are not dead! Although that news may disappoint our reader (pluralizing that word always feels like I am being too optimistic about our fan base), we are just being the lazy muppets that our soul-crushing Corporate jobs have trained us to be. So to break the silence, here are two items for now:

The best place to slaughter a pig

So my co-board members and pretty much everyone I know often gest playfully at my (poor commitment to) vegetarianism. Most comments are related to me ruining every meal, or revolve around linkages between my purported homosexuality and choice not to eat anything that had parents (or sometimes, anything that casts a shadow). Often I still find ways to take pride in my efforts to curb the environmental impacts of our absurd overconsumption of meat, surprisingly, but unfortunately, some fuckers still have to find a way to make vegetarianism as fluffy as a kitten, and as a result, not helping my gayputation. Other than slaughtering a pig in the middle of Yonge street in front of this parade in protest of it, I could easily spend hours thinking up incredibly hilarious anti-vegetarian signs and or costumes, and write about them here for your enjoyment. But as mentioned off the top, I am way too lazy, so this is it kids. Speaking of cock-teasing...

Make her open the box

Not much to this one, but driving past this makes me giggle every time, especially when my CHP says Make her open the box! as we drive by. Many JTC board members are huge fans of this incredibly awesome and historically important SNL skit, and if you really enjoy that, spotting this purveyor of hard, long docks is just hilarious to me. (Spotted on highway 400 just south of Innisfil, Ontario):

Iceland: When you’re covered in lava, it might be time to rethink your name

2010-04-15T19:57:00.002-04:00

The world’s largest air traffic hub, Heathrow, grinds to a halt as the UK and surrounding areas are engulfed in plumes of ashes from an Icelandic eruption. It’s quite a story, and shows how Mother Nature can get in between you and your discount European dreams (so respect her, dammit!). But what the press is missing is root cause analysis. While the impact on us flying fat cats is some good infotainment of it’s own, I implore you to consider what might have contributed to this situation. I’ve run the numbers, and can confirm it’s due to a number of factors.

Factor 1: Plate Tectonics
They’re plates. Bigger than dinner plates. They have liquid hot stuff underneath them. They move around. That molten stuff gets restless and squeaks out like a giant pimple out of the earth’s crust. God (obviously) comes down and squeezes the white (in this case, red and smokey) pimple head, and then the pimple heals. But it doesn’t really go away. It’s one of those problem pimples, the ones that keep coming back. Leaves a scar when you’re older. Then you see a dermatologist, and all they want to do is give you drugs. But you don’t take them, and you have a scar that reminds you of the days when you had a lot of pimples, but not so much anymore, because you’re older, and suddenly getting older isn’t so bad. That’s exactly how it works. Class dismissed.

Factor 2: Bjork
She’s Icelandic. Her music is really fucking loud (and sometimes really, really soft at certain parts), and then IT’S REALLY LOUD AGAIN! That’s annoying. I erupt in anger when I hear it. So would a volcano. Angry volcanoes are Bjork’s fault.

Factor 3: Subprime Mortgages
Some dudes run Iceland’s finances. Since the ice business was pretty much torn out of them by those fridges with the icemaker on the outside, they were lost for income. Their people (who are also made of ice), who were previously busy constantly exporting Icelandic ice, were just sitting around chewing on seal blubber. What do you do, government and private sector finance dudes? Well, you obviously take part in massive financial market securities transactions based on US mortgages packaged many times over. Where’s the US Icelandic guy? Who cares – these are fucking triple-A securities, you should stop wasting time talking and get back to buying – spend every Krona you got. Fuck it, I’ll take seals. Seal pelts. Whatever. Bjork CDs. Oh oh - dammit – the whole thing fell apart and your Bjork-based economy is actually worth even less than before. Ok, not a problem, your European neighbours, who consider you the Newfoundland of Europe, will totally ignore you. So what do you do in retaliation? Get that volcano going! If you can’t kill them, at least make their lives horrific – or have them cancel a few flights.

Happy Bjirthday!

Study: Heavy marijuana use can reduce your knowledge of eastern-European geography

2010-02-27T00:00:00.002-05:00

Walking the pooch tonight prior to the Canada-Slovakia Olympic semi-final men’s hockey game, I was trailing a neighbour (one of those who you recognize but don't know too well) as he was on the sidewalk and was also taking a stroll in my mixed euro-centric neighbourhood. He’s a grizzly old man I’ve shared conversation with many times before, and tonight he was decked out in a very odd-looking hockey shirt and toque, probably making his way out on a wintry night for a little takeout and what not.

Anyhow, the ‘hood is peppered with the university housing crowd, being close to the University of Toronto, which often offers an interesting community and contrast to these populous mid-century European settlers. But tonight the melting pot was stirred a little briskly as he passed by a student house that was obviously running a bender-factory inside, with a few diplomatic representatives manning the porch.

Here is my first-hand recollection of the dialogue from ten meters back of the old man:

Guy on porch, spotting the hockey shirt on the old man, and smoking a cigar-sized ‘phatty’: “Dude – what the fuck!”

Other guy on porch (looking like he’s splitting the same atoms): ”Dude – What?” (excessive pointing at old man)

Third guy on porch (joining the Mensa convention): “Dude! Dude is wearing a Slovenian fucking hockey shirt dude!” (Small note: In certain cultures, “Dude” can be used twice in the same sentence and address two different people).

First guy, now walking down his front path towards the man as he passes: “Dude what are you wearing that shit for around here buddy!” (in a taunting way into the ear of the grizzly old guy, who isn’t flinching. Seriously - a plane could have landed beside him and he wouldn’t have looked different).

Mensa member to his Mensa co-member: ”Dude, you mean Slovakian, right?”

Spliff-sporter: “We’re playing Slovakia tonight, not Slovenia dude.”

Other guy: “Whatever, that’s unreal. How does he walk around like that?”

Mensa member: “Slovenia sucks! Go Canada!” (Yelling into the thin air that I assume also supports his skull from the inside).

Other guy: “Dude – Slovakia!”

New guy joining the porch and running down the walk: “Slovenia and Slovakia, fuck ‘em, Canada’s fucking winning dude!” (yelling down the street at the old man, throws beer bottle which smashes on the well-travelled road, one they likely drive on).

Me (old, a middle-aged greybeard, catching them very off-guard in monotone, now six inches from their faces as they are looking down the street at him and not seeing me): “He’s bigger than all three of you. Stop bothering your neighbours.”

(Them realizing I’m an old, big enough guy to tell them to shut up - me for the first time realizing the same).

Mensa member: “Dude, we weren’t going to hurt him…”

Me: “Pretty sure everyone knows that, tough guy.” (By the way, I’m with my dog and four beers in, so I have an armed sense of confidence here).

(Silenced kids walk back to their porch).

Here’s the final tally as I see it:

Young kids put in their place: 3

Middle-aged guy feeling really old tonight for telling kids (and I mean twenty year olds, not actual ‘kids’) what to do: 1

Really old Slovakian dude who had probably finished a pint of vodka and was headed out to a local to watch his team play in the Olympics, and has no idea any of this took place: 1.

Killer Whale Stuns World By Killing

2010-02-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

As many of you may have heard, a tragedy occurred this week at SeaWorld in Florida, when one of the resident Killer Whales turned on one of its trainers, killing her in front of a horrified audience.

Horror turned to outrage when it later became apparent that this particular Killer Whale had previously been involved in the killing of two other humans.

In response, I'd like to suggest the following course of action:

1) We need to change the name of this terrible species to ensure that the possible consequences of treating one like a pet are fully appreciated. I'd like to suggest 'Murderer Whale' or 'Really Dangerous Whale'.

2) More specifically, the whale involved in this incident at SeaWorld should be forced to leave its cushy spa-like home with it's small, cozy water tank and multiple daily performances for a lonely life of solitude in the wide expanse of the world's oceans. I mean, if we give the impression that a Killer Whale killing someone is okay, who the hell knows where that will lead us.

Co-Worker Antics

2010-02-14T08:19:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, the Metro newspaper here in Toronto published this article, which included a list of "crazy" things that people had witnessed their co-workers do on the job. While I admit that some of them look a little odd, most of them pale in comparison to the co-worker antics that are described to me by a certain someone I happen to live with.

I sent her the link to the article above, and asked her to provide me with a list of the most bat shit crazy observations from her place of employment. Enjoy:

o Co-worker horking and spitting into garbage can regularly. Or just horking in general.
o Co-worker shaving in cubicle.
o Co-worker nail clipping in cubicle.
o Co-worker letting one out and asking you if you heard it/smelled it.
o Co-worker debating the merits of whether or not to stay at home or come into the office the day someone needed a colonoscopy b/c the doctor is close to work and the bathroom is also closer to his cubicle than at home.
o Co-worker performing eczema body rub in washroom stall with ruler and watching flakes fall.
o Co-worker wearing coloured thong with white dress pants.
o Male co-worker asking other male co-workers during meeting "would you accept $1M in exchange for taking it up the ass?"
o Co-worker using urinal and brushing teeth at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating an apple at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and eating a carrot at the same time.
o Co-worker using washroom stall and peeling an orange at the same time.
o Co-worker using urinal and reviewing report at the same time.
o Co-worker peeling carrot into the bathroom sink.
o Boob lookers.
o Co-workers using the “run into you and then scoop you in” trap.
o Co-worker bringing girlfriend into cubicle for make out session.
o Co-worker bringing bedroll to work so he can sleepover.
o Co-worker leaving the building at 11 pm with office furniture.
o Co-worker washing feet in bathroom sink.
o Co-worker reserving desk drawer for peanut shells.
o Co-worker picking nose and collecting boogers on side of desk.
o Co-worker discussing merits of Cialis vs. Viagra.
o Co-worker making donut sandwich in meeting (one chocolate between two vanilla).
o Co-workers having loud verbal dispute re: thermostat control.
o Co-worker sending section wide e-mail telling boss that he can’t come into work today b/c he’s got “heavy diarrhea”.
o Co-worker using expression ‘drain the lizard’.
o Co-worker overhears another co-worker say “when can I see your boobies again"?

Feel free to add more in the comments...

Did I Mention The Shuttle Buses?

2010-02-10T08:16:00.001-05:00

Weird email I got from our friends at the Toronto Transit Commission yesterday:
From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]

Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 2010 10:48 AM
To: JohnnyM

Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to excessive philandering by the TTC Chair, the W/B 506 Carlton is on diversion. E/B is unaffected. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Feb 9, 2010 10:45 AM
Sent: 2/9/10 10:47 AM

Joey Jeremiah: Fashion Visionary

2010-01-13T13:39:00.010-05:00

As “Anonymous” commented on Johnny M’s recent post, the TTC ‘Service Alert’ emails we receive (here’s an alert: the TTC’s service is shit) leave us “with no excuse to disappear for months at a time again.” I think he’s right. One such alert received today was as follows:

-----Original Message-----From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com] Sent: Wednesday, January 13, 2010 10:35 AMTo: Monkey, Coco TheSubject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a collision at Queen & DeGrassi, the 501 Queen route is diverting from Broadview to Coxwell. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Jan 13, 2010 10:33 AM

Following receipt of this Johnny M and I had some banter about how to the kids at Degrassi High might be behind it, and Johnny M commented “I bet that Joey Jeremiah is - He’s one slick dude”. This got me thinking about Joey. My thought process was as follows:

1. Joey Jeremiah IS a pretty fucking slick dude!

I dwelled on this for a second to arrive at:

2. I think the main contributor to his slickness is the fedora.

Then I thought:

3. Isn’t it awesome that Joey wore a fedora almost twenty years before these hipsters who wear them now.

Which was followed by:

4. Joey Jeremiah has several things in common with hipsters, not just the fedora.

Which triggered the reaction:

5. Time to write a blog post.

And naturally lead to:

6. A bowel movement.

See Anonymous, I agree with you, and despite having a bowel movement, this TTC email clearly led to a blog post, and it wasn’t hard to get there at all.

With that short introduction, I present here an analysis of the common traits of Joey Jeremiah and the modern urban hipster. Based on this analysis, I can conclude that either Joey Jeremiah, the actor who played him, or the person responsible for wardrobe on the set of Degrassi was twenty years ahead of their time.

JohnnyM's Quick Hits

2010-01-12T22:28:00.001-05:00

That's right kids - another edition of my ridiculously popular "Quick Hits". Let's hit that together:

1) The 'open call' submission deadline is rapidly approaching for Nuit Blanche - all the details are here. On Thursday night, Coco and I are going out to the Leafs game ("Come for the historically bad penalty killing! Stay for the $15 beer!") and before the game we're going to work on the JTC submission for Nuit Blanche. What will it be? Who the hell knows, but if I was a betting man, I'd be wagering heavily on hilarity, a toilet, juxtapostion, and multiple strobe lights. Juxtapose! Strobe!

2) You know those losers at pubs who stand around playing that stupid virtual golf game? Yeah, well - that's us. We do that kind of a lot. And when they pulled Golden Tee out of Scotland Yard, we were all devastated. Until Coco called me and exclaimed, "I called the Elephant and Castle! They have Golden Tee! But the waitress wasn't sure which version." I was somewhat torn between the excitement of finding another place to play, and disbelief that Coco called purely to ask about the pub's Golden Tee status. Anyway, if you think that's lame, you know what's blow-your-mind lame? Putting your "great shots" on YouTube. Like my hole in one (on a par 4, suckers!) from last Friday.

3) Monday, February 15th is Family Day here in Ontario, so we all get the day off work. And I think we all know what that means: pub crawl on Sunday, February 14th. Valentine's Day? It's for lovers. Lovers of extreme intoxication.

Invasion of the Body Scanners

2010-01-06T15:42:00.002-05:00

There’s been a lot of press about the new body imaging systems that have just been approved for several Canadian airports, and it seems a lot of people have concerns, including “privacy advocates”, who are concerned about the invasiveness of the devices. I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. But before I get started, let me just say right off the top that if anyone reading this is currently hiring full-time advocates, I am totally interested. Also I’m pretty flexible - while being a privacy advocate interests me, I’d be interesting in advocating for any number of common nouns you need an advocate for, like sexuality or alcohol.

So what is the big deal with the scanners? While the image probably isn't going to be your online dating profile picture, it’s not like it’s being put up on a big screen or emailed to your relatives. And come on, who really is seeing this picture anyways? The dude working security and looking at the pictures isn’t going to leer at you after passing through and raise his eyebrows suggestively or imitate cunnilingus with lewd “v-finger cradling sexually explicit tongue” gestures (c’mon, you know what I’m talking about).

Besides, they’ve had this panty-spotting stuff available to consumers for years, and Superman has been telling women the colour of their underwear since the seventies.

Unless you typically wear a sumo-suit onto the plane, it’s not like everyone can’t get a sense of your body shape and it’s hideous flaws just by looking at you. Besides, a lot of people tend to wear shit that is way more horrifically revealing than the body image pictures are (that’s a life-changing website, by the way).

In summary, while I’m generally against the government’s frequent invasions of our privacy, a confidential scan that looks under your too-tight-linked-sausage-rolls outfit isn’t going to make news of the fact that you are a horrifically proportioned individual, and if it saves me from rubbing elbows with people who wear plastic explosives as undergarments, I support it.

If The Market Continues To Tank, I Might Be Showin' Her My “Oh-face”

2010-01-05T20:29:00.030-05:00

Financial markets crashing and people losing billions of dollars is no laughing matter. Fortunately, however, the pictures that various news outlets (but in particular the Globe and Mail) use with stories about financial markets crashing are fucking hilarious.

Not sure what to do with your hands? Here are three options:

If you're feeling a little tired, and are weary from all the money you're losing, you can also go with the single hand approach (this guy might also just be some old dude that got caught surfing the net at a library…I'm really not sure):

This guy? This guy is hands-down my all time favourite:

And if you're not clear on the title of this post, check this out.

I'm Considering Using One Of Their Competitors. Oh, Wait...

2010-01-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

So, as previously mentioned in this fine space, two thirds of the JTC Executive (that's two out of the three of us) rely on the Toronto Transit Commission for our daily commute to and from our real jobs (apart from when Coco rides his girl's bike with the streamers on the handlebars in the summer).

Yesterday, the TTC raised their prices so that a single ride now costs $3. When the fare hike was announced back in November, shockingly it really didn't sit too well with a lot of peeps. You can see all the details of the new fare structure here.

In addition to enraging its clients, the TTC offers another service, where you can sign up to receive automated emails regarding delays throughout the transit system. I've enrolled in this program, and typically receive about half a dozen emails a week.

Since the fare hike occurred less than 48 hours ago, here's a run down of the emails I've received:

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 3:35 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a smell of smoke at Eglinton Stn there is no service on the YUS line between Bloor and Lawrence Stns. Shuttle buses are running.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 3:32 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 3:35 PM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 3:41 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay we were experiencing at Eglinton Stn has now cleared and full service on the Yonge University Spadina line has resumed.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 3:36 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 3:40 PM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 6:30 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a smell of smoke at track level at Eglinton Stn there is no service on the Younge University Spadina line from Bloor to Lawrence Stns

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 6:29 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 6:30 PM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 03, 2010 6:42 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay we were experiencing at Eglinton Stn has now cleared and full service on the Yonge University Spadina line has resumed.

Last updated Jan 3, 2010 6:41 PM

Sent: 1/3/10 6:41 PM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 8:25 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Weather related mechanical and signal issues are causing longer then normal wait times on the YUS and Bloor lines.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 8:21 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 8:25 AM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:05 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: the delays on the Yonge line and on the Bloor line have cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:02 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:05 AM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:35 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Mechanical issues are causing delays on the Yonge line from Finch to Eglinton station.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:33 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:35 AM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 9:57 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay on the Yonge line has cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 9:56 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 9:57 AM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 11:33 AM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to a power off situation, there is no service on the Yonge line between Finch and Lawrence station.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 11:31 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 11:32 AM

From: My TTC [mailto:TTC@myttce-alerts.com]
Sent: Monday, January 04, 2010 12:01 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

ALL CLEAR: The delay on the Yonge line has cleared and full service has resumed.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 11:58 AM

Sent: 1/4/10 12:00 PM

From: My TTC
To: JohnnyM
Sent: Mon Jan 04 19:01:07 2010
Subject: TTC Service Alert [System Notification]

Due to signal problems Eastbound at Donlands Stn there will be slower than normal service from Jane to Donlands Stns for approx one hour.

Last updated Jan 4, 2010 7:00 PM

With the possible exception of what I'm sure is a totally awesome new smoke machine at Eglinton station, it's a little hard to figure out what the revenue from the fare hike is being used for. I think my favourite from the list above is at 8:25am, during the morning rush hour today: "Weather related mechanical and signal issues are causing longer then normal wait times on the YUS and Bloor lines", which basically seems to be a short hand for saying, "Trying to get somewhere? Don't."

Bra-vo.

Four Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

2009-12-29T10:03:00.002-05:00

Hello, friends.

It won't come as a surprise to many people (apart from, perhaps, the billions of people that don't read this blog), that 2009 was not a banner year for JTC. I mean, if we include what I'm currently writing, we only had 14 posts this year. Compare that to the stretch of 2006 - 2008, when our worst year was 45 posts, and our best was 55, and you can see there was a wee bit of a 'gap' there.

Not to worry, I'm sure we're going to pick things up in 2010. I mean, it's a whole new decade! The possibilities are endless.

Well, here we are at the end of another year on the corporate calendar, and as per my annual custom, I am proud to present the email sign-offs that my fellow JTC members and I have shared throughout the year. If - like me - you agree that this is some funny, funny shit, I thoroughly encourage you to check out the 2006, 2007, and 2008 versions.

Anyway - on with the show:

Tacking on a couple hundred to what you owe me will also make it seem like ‘free money’,
Case of the Mondays,
I’m sure you’re no stranger to needing to give your ass a break,
Make it so, number 1,
I originally wrote, “I’ve gotta be out of her by 4:30pm”, which sounds pretty dirty,
I am a cunt,
You’re a cunt,
You had me at “alcohol permitted”,
Ruby just puked on me, and I couldn't be happier not to be at work,
And Fokker I did!,
Dropping f-bombs like I’m in the Luftwaffe, flying over London in 1940/41,
‘Toot-toot’ goes my own horn,
Toonces - look out!,
Firing at innocent bystanders,
I’ll be in the bathroom swinging from a noose if you’re looking for me,
I wonder if the smell of the tulip fields will bother her,
I’m calling you a cougar,
What I’m trying to say is “I don’t like you”,
Your favorite luddite,
Considering starting my weekend now, by riding the subway home with no shirt on,
None of our usual clipart – nuclear explosion, gun to head, or donkey – can sum up my thoughts on this matter,
While hindsight may provide you with 20/20 vision, it doesn’t provide the cool shit that a poorly thought out spending spree does,
I’m thinking of signing up for Ironman China, just so I can write “yellow fever” in the “pre-existing medical conditions” section of the application form,
It’s not racist if I’m saying I like them,
Realizing I’m starting to sound like a psychopath,
Hey guy who is going through our emails after firing us: how was this one?,
It’s probably because I’m totally racist,
Deflecting work and delegating it up (her) like a pro,
Still don't think he knows my name,
Alcohol - its that cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems,
Asshole by association,
GFY you fucking Path expert,
And by "relax" I mean "train for one of the longest endurance races you'll ever run",
My whole life revolves around Superman and cereal,
I am in your head,
On Saturday evening, I was so desperate for a beer that I drove to the liquor store, and specifically bought a six pack from the “chilled” section,
I want to shoot myself,
Shooting up the CAAT,
Meow,
Good thing I know that you’re a fucking idiot,
Bavarian nachos? Sounds sexual,
Make sure you say hi to my favorite band Beer Garden,
Fucking fuckity fuck fuck,
You’re probably thinking, “There’s got to be more to life”. Well – there isn’t,
You just wrote that fucking email so you could pad the annual signoff list, you slick bastard,
She might shoot you in the head,
Not sexist or racist,
He’s HER boy,
Cunterparties,
I’m just trying to bulk up the JTC 2009 sign off list? You’re fucking crazy,
And by, “it’s all good” I mean, “these ignorant buffoons will likely do a horrendous job”,
FUCKING CAPITAL LETTERS,
Besides, other than this permanently archived, easily accessible email thread, no one can prove you knew anything,
Where the hell is the ethics hotline number,
You're fucking right I'm filling up your 'JTC '09 sign-offs' folder,
And by "it's a language barrier", I mean "he's a fucking idiot",
Shower rape,
We have a blog?,
Karma Kramer,
I doubt there is anyone over 50 in Scotland who has their original liver,
Going to wait to tell you I might not be able to make it next Thursday,
Not violently angry at all,
Friday is Hawaiian shirt day,
Today I woke up and asked myself “Is This Good for the Company?”,
I prefer high-balling,
It’s actually SARS/Ebola,
Germans are to canines as hookers are to cocaine,
"Hot Canine/Drinking/German Action",
And squeeze your ass,
If we have very little left to live for, at least we have hilarious signoffs,
I pretty much had sex with my dog trying to keep warm,

We're Not Dead!

2009-11-11T14:44:00.004-05:00

Seriously - we're not dead. But thanks for all the concern. BTW - I love the comments on the last post. One from my boy Pete, three expressing mild concern/outrage over our extreme lack of activity, and one from an obviously concerned reader who also happens to have a lot of extra Viagra.

So - back to not being dead...In fact, we actually made it out to complete one of our incredibly awesome pub crawls last night. For those who are interested, the route was the 'Reverse Danforth', mainly because Coco was horny for it.

Unfortunately, we didn't take the notebook with us, because some asshole keeps losing it. So we didn't write down any of our great ideas from the night, but it's totally cool, because I can remember all of them. There was one where we showed how awesome JTC is doing as a company by comparing our 'profit' curve (a flat line in the vicinity of $0.00) with those of GM and Chrysler. Hilarious!

Other great ideas included....uh...hmmmm...

More updates as events warrant. But I'm hopeful it won't be a 4-5 month gap. We here at JTC love you too much to put you through that.

Also, it is cool as shit.

2009-06-24T22:00:00.003-04:00

Just a quick one: I've been shopping for a cheap pair of wheels and this ad made me shit my pants, so I thought I'd share it. Enjoy.

Holy. Shit. (That's right - the LCBO may go on strike)

2009-06-23T07:41:00.003-04:00

Due to being incredibly uninformed, I sometimes must rely on our commenters to provide me with important information. Such as the potential for a strike by the wonderful people who sell me wine and hard liquor at the LCBO!

When I learned of this, I tried to remain calm, and looked around on the web for other sources of information. I must have mis-typed something, as I ended up on the CP24 website, where I came across the following photo attached to a story regarding the impending strike:

OH MY GOD! People are already lining up outside stores! I considered grabbing my sleeping bag, and camping outside the nearest LCBO. Then I took a closer look at the picture. It's a tad hot here in Toronto these days for down jackets and toques, no? Then I read the tagline:

"Patrons line up to get into an LCBO outlet as others leave in Mississauga, Ont. on Monday, December 31, 2007"

That's just some good, solid, non-hysteria-inducing journalism.

Johnny M's Quick Hits 2

2009-06-22T16:17:00.003-04:00

After what can only be described as an over-whelming reaction to my first version of "Quick Hits", I felt compelled to hit that again:

1) There's a city-wide strike going on here in Toronto, and shockingly I have yet to comment on how fantastic this "anarchist asshole" thinks that is. Sorry about that. We here at JTC love a good strike, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling this one. Perhaps it's the lack of hysteria from our friends at CityTV. Or perhaps it's because the prospect of the city stinking of garbage isn't too appetizing.

Or - more likely - it's because now I can't go swimming because all the pools are shut down. When you're training for an ironman triathlon, that's a bit of a pain. Of course, I'm fairly resourceful, so I think that I'll start swimming down in Lake Ontario. Unfortunately, one of the city services that is not currently being offered is water quality testing for our beaches. As I mentioned to a friend regarding swimming in the lake:

Pro: Schedule flexibility
Con: Fecal contamination

That reminds me of a presentation a class-mate of mine made in university regarding olestra - the "non-fat fat" that makes food taste good, but contains a fat that your body can't absorb. One of the "cons" she listed on her Powerpoint presentation was "anal leakage". As another class-mate yelled, "That's a pretty big con!"

2) This Father's Day, there was a lot of great advice and information being shared around my family table. My nephew made some comment about someone "kicking the bucket", which led to this representative exchange:

My Dad: "Now, 'kicking the bucket' is an interesting expression. Of course, it means 'to die', but its origin is actually from someone committing suicide. You see, when they have the noose tied around their neck, they prop themselves up on top of a bucket, and when they're ready, they 'kick the bucket' away."

Me: "That's just some fascinating, age-appropriate trivia."

My brother: "You realize the kid is 6, right Dad?"

3) Want to make your awards show totally irrelevant? Make Nickelback the big winner.

Shock and Awesome

2009-06-09T12:48:00.004-04:00

As you know, we've written several times about Shitty TV's habit of rabidly pumping up the fear-o-meter in their "newscasts". Today, BlogTO.com pointed to a hilarious fake twitter account posing as Anne Mroczkowski, one of the fear-monger anchors at City.

If you've seen City's newscasts, it's a pretty fucking hilarious mockery. Some of my fave tweets include:

"Rain is falling but more than just water falls from the sky. Tonight I examine the various ways you can die from things falling from the sky"

"Not everything you think of as a vegetable is one. Tonight I reveal which are secretly fruits in disguise. More than meets the eye. News @ 6"

"Tonight at six I'll reveal which kitchen utensil can be living a deadly secret life as a potential deadly weapon in the wrong hands."

Keep up the good work fake Anne Mroczkowski!

Periods: Now only found at the end of sentences.

2009-05-22T12:37:00.005-04:00

A while back SNL did a great parody commercial called “Annuale”. It's a hilarious bit about a birth control pill that allows you to reduce ragtime ruckus to once a year. At the time, I thought poking fun at the pharmaceutical industry’s chase of completely unnecessary drugs that allow us to control every basic bodily function was hilarious.

As it turns out, it's also insanely accurate; The product development team at Duramed Pharmaceuticals is evidently spending a lot of their R&D time watching SNL, given they just released their version called “Seasonique”.

Granted, Seasonique requires kitty to have a quarterly instead of yearly nosebleed, still, waiting four months for a visit from Aunt Flow would be pretty darn interesting. I don’t know about you ladies, but if my uterine wall was constantly building up and required shedding, I’d like to do that in small, perhaps monthly batches. Just like I don’t think I’d be interested in taking a bowel movement suppressant and shitting a turkey every two months.

Anyways, for those of you out there tired of riding the cotton cowboy with your wounded clam, Duramed has the answer! Grab yourself a batch of Seasonique, and then go to a store, buy a hat, and get ready to hold the fuck on to it.

And don't forget to make out with your dog.

They Couldn't Have Published This Yesterday?

2009-04-30T16:58:00.002-04:00

Looks like I jumped the gun on our hysteria-inducing friends at http://www.cp24.com/:

Because You Can't Spell "Pandemic" Without "Panic"

2009-04-29T21:48:00.002-04:00

We here at JTC love a little bit of media hysteria, and unless you've been living under a rock, you're well aware of the fact that we're all about to die of swine flu. As previously documented, we're also huge fans of graphics accompanying media hysteria. Hell - who can forget the fantastic Toronto Transit Commission wildcat strike of '06?

Expecting to find all sorts of shit on the internet, I went trolling around to look for hilarious swine flu graphics. Amazingly, I found nothing. Nothing! I mean, is it really too much to ask for at least one picture of a pig wearing a surgical mask? Or some sort of "Swine Watch!" graphic? Apparently so. Being the industrious type that I am, and realizing that it's probably a matter of days before I see nut jobs on the subway wearing surgical masks, I decided to combine my love of the TTC with my raw terror regarding swine flu, and came up with the following:

I know, it's awesome. I also found this:

That's just bad parenting - that kid is probably dead already.

More updates as events warrant.

Top of the goose… TO YOU!!!

2009-03-25T21:05:00.003-04:00

We’ve all heard that Canada Geese populations in some areas of the country have grown substantially, so much so that many now consider them pests, mainly due to their getting in the way of our planes and constant shitting. All those turds are running off directly into the lake, closing beaches. And when the beaches are able to open, the concentration of fecal coliforms (“shit”) in the water is leading to skin irritation, sometimes referred to as “swimmer’s itch” (which I’ve never heard of before, but I’m assuming is something like “athlete’s foot”, or “masturbator’s hand”).

Canadian senator Nancy Ruth (oh yeah, Canada has senators that aren’t professional hockey players by the way) noticed there was more than a handful of the shit hawks around her summer home and devised a fabulous three step plan to get rid of the geese:

1. Make it legal to shoot and kill Canada geese.
2. Shoot and kill them.

I know, you're already blown away by steps one and two, and we're not even on to step three yet. You think those two steps alone would be an effective population check, right? Genius? Stop right there? Sure they would. But now you’re stuck with piles and piles of dead geese. Damn. Wait - Canada goose meat is delicious! (I think). And I know the poor need cheap eats. Old Nancy connected the dots with step three:

3. Feed the dead geese to the poor.

Applause! Outstanding work. Feed them to the poor! Why the hell didn't I think of that? You know what... this is all great stuff Nancy, but why stop here? You've got me going now; Think of the other excellent programs we could put in place. Our eateries for the down and out could be whipping up other pest species into delicious meals! Why throw roadkill in the dump when you could shave off the salvageable parts and drop it off at the local soup kitchen?

Seriously now, I don’t want to get all Rebecca Demore on you Nancy, but this all sounds a lot like Elaine’s muffin stump disposal fiasco. You see, unfortunately just because people are poor doesn’t mean we can get them to eat shit that we don’t want to eat. I know, it’s unfair.

Flogging A Dead Horse

2009-02-13T21:35:00.002-05:00

After what can only be described as an overwhelming response to Wednesday's e-mail exchange post, I decided to show the creativity of a manufactured pop-star, and just do it again.

The topic of today's exchange was a lunch reservation that CoCo made for the JTC Board and our graphophobic stenographer for February 27th.

One thing to note here: between my apparent disdain evident below for this "culture differences" workshop, and Wednesday's comment about migrant farm workers, the thought occurs that I may be starting to look like a big, big racist. Rest assured that I love everyone from all backgrounds and ethnicities. Except for the fucking Dutch.

On with the show:

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:21 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

Dude! On Friday, February 27th, we’re in that fucking “cultural differences” workshop until noon. Looks like we’ll have to leave for an important meeting around 11:20…

Sit near the door,
Johnny M

________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:23 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

Dude! I totally saw that before I booked and thought “The restaurant only has 11:30 available, eh? Well, I really want to go to lunch on Friday at 11:30, but that would conflict with the last half hour of a cultural differences workshop. What should I do?”

It was a really tough decision. Really tough.

Yeah – we both have an 11:30 meeting if for some reason we can’t just get up and leave without needing to say anything.

CoCo
________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:25 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

I can’t believe you just arbitrarily decided that I was going to miss the last 30 minutes of what will likely be a terrific workshop without even asking me!

Great decision,
Johnny M
________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:26 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

In a fast-paced business like JTC, we need quick and decisive action or we simply won’t be competitive.

We also need some fucking blog posts,
CoCo
________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:27 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

I totally agree.

Competitive with who?,
Johnny M
________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:27 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

Others in the same business as us.

CoCo
________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:28 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

Right – of course. Two minor follow-up questions:

1) What business is that?
2) Who else is in it?
Johnny M
________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 1:29 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Winterlicious

1) The business we work towards every day with the expert staff at JTC.
2) All of JTC’s competitors.

CoCo

Why We Haven't Posted Anything In Almost A Month

2009-02-11T18:29:00.002-05:00

CoCo and I were emailing each other today about some upcoming concerts here in Toronto, includuing one involving the band, "Los Campesinos!" The following email trail followed, which I think sums up our work ethic (or lack thereof). Two things to note:

1) Check out the time stamps on these emails - we're really working our asses off over here.
2) My apologies to any migrant farm workers

Here you go:

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:34 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Concerts

Yeah - Los Campesinos! are pretty good. Strangely, they appear to be an indie/punk outfit from Wales, as opposed to migrant farm workers.

JohnnyM

________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:36 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Concerts

Yeah – lots of bands these days have what you would expect to be descriptive names about their origins, but are not even close – a lot to do with Canada (“Of Montreal”, from Georgia, and “Boards of Canada”, from Scotland). That would be a good blog entry – guess the band’s origin with multiple choice.

CoCo

________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:39 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Concerts

We have a blog?

JohnnyM

________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:40 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Concerts

If we did, that would be a hell of an entry.

CoCo

________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:41 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Concerts

Action items:

1. Write this proposed article – CoCo
2. Find this theoretical blog – JohnnyM

________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:42 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Concerts

Great summary. One change: switch the accountabilities.

CoCo

________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:42 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Concerts

Agreed – we’ll switch things up so that I find the blog, and you write the article.

JohnnyM

________________________________

From: CoCo
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:43 PM
To: JohnnyM
Subject: RE: Concerts

You’ve got it – one more tweak to the plan (you writing the article, me finding the blog), and I think we’re there.

CoCo

________________________________

From: JohnnyM
Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:45 PM
To: CoCo
Subject: RE: Concerts

Right on. I’ve incorporated your feedback, and re-written the plan:

1. Write this proposed article – CoCo
2. Find this theoretical blog – JohnnyM

JohnnyM

________________________________

From: CoCo
To: JohnnyM
Sent: Feb 11, 2009 2:49 PM
Subject: RE: Concerts

Job well done! Your re-write is excellent, and will be further enhanced by your solid plan to assign all accountabilities to “JohnnyM”. I can’t wait to see the finished product. Making incredible progress like this in such a short time is really what differentiates JTC from our competitors.

Three Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

2009-01-15T18:04:00.001-05:00

As everyone has been eagerly anticipating, I proudly present to you my annual post, featuring my favourite JTC e-mail sign-offs for the year. For your reference, here are the 2006 and 2007 versions. This year, I received close to 3500 emails from my fellow JTC board members (although we seem to have a little data integrity issue – I’m missing a big chunk of emails from late-August/early-September – hmmmm….), and have pared that down to list my favourite 145 sign-offs.

Before we get to that though, I thought I would provide you with something that I don’t usually include: context. You see, I’ve found what I consider to be quite possibly the best e-mail sign-off of all time, and I want to make sure that as many peeps as possible get to enjoy it. Here’s an e-mail that Co-Co sent us, when we were discussing the relative merits of the line-ups at the Coachella and Bonnaroo music festivals:

They announced their lineup (http://www.bonnaroo.com/). There is a mix of good stuff (Pearl Jam) and total shit (Metallica), but overall, after reading it I’m happy with our choice of Coachella. Apart of course from missing the chance to see my heroes, “Lez Zepplin”.

Picturing a bunch of girls kissing in the cockpit of a rigid, hydrogen-filled airship,
Co-Co

That is 100% solid GOLD, my friends.

If any of you are interested in knowing the context of any of our other sign-offs, let me know in the comments, and I’ll look it up.

Without further ado, here are the other 144 sign-offs:

You should have children - you're quite breathtaking,
Technically no longer a man,
*hand making jerking off motion*,
Take your shirt off,
To shit on your bathroom floor,
It’s a world full of cunts,
It’s Frisbee golf,
My first hour of the day has been spent planning how I’m leaving an hour early,
That wasn’t even funny - now I’m emailing for no reason at all,
Eagerly awaiting your outraged response,
Where the hell is that blow job,
Glad I’ve got nothing else to do except for documenting my team’s idiocy,
Not dumbing it down for some mass audience,
Not sexual,
I know – it sounds awesome,
I hope by ‘fresh, new look’ they mean ‘golden tee live machines’,
I do all the work around here,
"Just the butlers!",
Pretty sure we’re the only people here not speaking yiddish,
Working for my fake company is much better than my real company,
I'd choose a homeless man (with no internet connection) over her,
Lord of the Idiots,
Just realized I’m an alcoholic,
I foresee no issuesTM,
Let me know if you have any more atoms that need splitting,
I would have been there, but I have better shit to be doing with my time,
That’s where they murder gringo-Canadians, isn’t it?,
Bunch of savages in this town,
Irish multiple births association,
A brassiere is supportive - I want answers,
I liked your vigorous use of soap in the shower this morning,
That’s just good, high quality stalking,
Someone who gives you something, then asks for it back,
Coffee whore,
It’s all chaff,
*slamming fist on table*,
Money – I love it,
Sort of like getting blood from a stone,
Yellow fever,
“Lick the Bag”,
Is it us?,
Am a total alcoholic now,
IT band,
Do it anyways,
I just want the drinks,
Great paper pushing!,
I love you,
Why is everybody so down on PAL?,
It up her,
THAT baby,
I’ll take my baby to the concert,
No idea what I’m talking about,
Alarm bells? Ringing,
Totally cheese loading,
Baby bonanza,
She’s into it!,
Check AND mate,
Hot steaming regards,
I am too old for this shit,
Going to go shoot myself,
Oh snap,
You get in the mood,
You couldn’t pick him out of a lineup,
I'm drinking anyways,
Sweet Alcohol sweat,
Frolfing it up her,
Going to steal a box of ball point pens,
Toothpaste riots,
The Only – I could live there, if not for my need for gainful employment, the social stigma attached to being in a bar constantly, and the associated liver disease,
Fucking kill me now,
When I ran out of toilet paper,
*counting fingers* Fuck, fuck,…fuck, fuck, fuck,
Hope you haven’t shot yourself,
Just answer the question,
Just fix the glitch,
Good luck with your layoffs - I hope your firings go really well,
Knee-to-the-crotch,
He’s less than 5 feet away from me and actually asked me something while I typed this,
Arrogant,
I think naming their band “Afro-American youth” would’ve been more sensitive,
You’re such a girl,
Yes we should,
eBurn,
The cup is round, the mug is round,
Pump her,
Loving the potted plants analogies,
Mensa convention,
Was someone told? If not, tell them,
Wildcats,
But is it good for the (fake) company,
I am a total slacker,
Fucking hell – do I ever need a drink,
I’d like a t-shirt that says “I’m rarer than the endangered Panda”,
Haven’t been this irate at work in a while,
Can’t wait to get back to the whoring,
You’re on notice,
Still haven’t made a cent on Adsense,
I’m sort of hungover,
Stink face,
Hunting out of season, or without a license is considered...,
Your stupid,
Thread gayness increasing with every note,
Going below and within,
Oval? Fucking useless,
I'm so damn popular,
My favourite part of the meeting was when you gave me $123,
Titty show,
It's all about the shitting in the bedding,
Dogs talking people barking,
The Eastern Canadian Qualifier: It’s like the Olympic Games, but more important,
Do you have any spare rocks? I seem to have thrown all of mine,
I was born ready,
Jumping onto a bicycle without a seat would also be less painful,
I am definitely going to hell,
Abandon ship!,
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you sour son of a bitch,
This is what it will be like when we win the lottery,
Horse shit. Get your horse shit here,
I bet everything was closed out properly, and we’re on track,
In summary: If getting pants-shitting drunk is wrong, I don’t want to be right,
I have literally done no work today,
I can smell the Yangtze on your breath,
Totally work-place appropriate,
You’re trash,
Good use of “you fools”,
The problem with being better than everyone else is that some people think you’re pretentious,
I think I caught your general malaise,
SCAB!,
Rubik’s cubes! They’re the new “Crap Circles”,
Don’t forget the fucking notebook,
Trying to tuck into my bed under my desk,
You know how to take the reservation, you just don't know to hold the reservation,
I don't eat babies,
Don't you quit on me,
*This* is what I should be paid for,
At least I know who my real friends and/or attorneys are,
Like during urination,
*eyeroll*,
Tell him I'll be IN MY OFFICE!,
I am old dammit,
Menopause out loud,
It’s a fucking tightrope,
Choking on the red tape,
There’s nothing better than the smell of cat urine to put you in the Christmas mood,

The birth of the ridiculous design of the escalator at the TTC’s Christie subway station: A historical reenaction

2009-01-09T11:21:00.002-05:00

Sometime in the mid sixties at TTC headquarters, the Christie station designer and his boss meet…

“Hey – just looked over your drawings for the new Christie TTC station – great job.”

“Thanks boss, I feel really good about that one. Nice location too, people will walk out the front doors looking directly into the park.”

“Yeah, that’s one of my favorite parts. Hey, one thing though, I think you forgot an escalator from the mid-level to street-level.”

(scans drawings madly) “Holy crap, you’re right! Can’t believe I missed that!”

“We’ll need an escalator there for people who have trouble walking up stairs.”

“Okay, I’m on it. Now what kind of people are you talking about? Disabled people who can’t walk?”

“Not really, there are elevators for people in wheelchairs and stuff. I’m just talking about people who can walk, but have trouble with stairs.”

“How much trouble? Like they can’t even walk up a couple of stairs?”

“No, no - they just have trouble walking up a flight of stairs, especially the long flights typically found in subway stations. It’s not like they can’t walk up a couple of stairs.”

“Ok, I think I got it. Design an escalator for people who get tired if they walk up too many stairs, but are ok walking up a few stairs.”

“You got it.”

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T18:08:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year from your friends at JTC Inc!

Before I head out to get hammered, I just thought I'd share with you something I found quite hilarious from this week's NOW magazine here in Toronto:

If there were no hangovers, many of us would have very happy, albeit brief, lives. Here’s to January 1, our collective morning after.

WHAT: Water

WHEN: After every drink

WHY: I can’t imagine why. Following every alcoholic drink with a big glass of water does not prevent a hangover, it merely drowns your buzz. Farmers are good with regular, measured applications of water. Drunks are good with the regular, measured applications of booze. Show me an irrigated reveller and I 'll show you a sober person, most likely on his/her way to take a pee. The H2O hangover prevention theory is like suggesting that celibacy is the best way to avoid STDs.

AVAILABILITY: Your tap, where it’s absolutely free

Holiday Wishes from JTC Inc.

2008-12-26T18:55:00.001-05:00

Throw a shoe at me once, shame on... shame on you. Throw a shoe at me - can't throw a shoe again.

2008-12-16T11:23:00.032-05:00

Below is some very brief coverage of a couple of video-related items that I found interesting.

The Shoeing of Bush

If you're trying to keep warm this winter by keeping your head tucked up your ass, it's possible you missed an Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at the leader of the free world like he's the Random Task of Iraq or something.

TTC-inspired Music

We've casted numerous darts and laurels at our beloved and beleaguered Toronto public transit, however I was impressed to have discovered the system has inspired not only our ranting here at JTC, but some quality musical numbers that span recent decades.

First, the contemporary "I Get On The TTC", which pays hip-hop-homage to the system.

My highlights of this little ditty include:

The guy in the background (as pictured above) hand gesturing east side, south side and west side (1:20-1:24), followed by a passionate delivery of "word!" - awesome.

Multiple gratuitous uses of "word!" (my favorite at 1:38).

Overall, the lyrics and their rap-tastic delivery are solid; "Pocket full of celery when I get off at Bellamy" at 1:57 is a fine example.

The trueness-to-form of the hip-hop effort, including the classic and requisite R&B slow-down interlude at 2:52, with slow thematic electronic notes backing a computerized voice serving up multiple repetitions of "I get on" in a heavy, rolling layer of sexyness. I can hear panties hitting the floor right now.

The second number is the classic "Spadina Bus", a surprise 1986 Top 40 hit by Toronto's Shuffle Demons, inspired by the now defunct 77 Spadina bus route (retired after the 1990s installation of the 510 streetcar and it's right-of-way).

dfs

There are several things to love about this video:

One of Toronto's revered contemporary musicians, Richard Underhill (pictured above), loses some of his jazz-club-cool when seen in this video scattin' like he's part of a hippie, Sesame Street version of the Beastie Boys.
Evidently the retirement home gate was left open during the shooting, given the hilarious crazy old person dance circle at 3:10.
Overall, the outfits are well done - the mixture of tie-die, unorthodox facial hair and checkered pants is amazing.
The lyrics overall are quite impressive. I particularly like the line "I want confirmation on my information about my transportation from Spadina station", and intend to use this with the toll collector at my next visit.

Another HR Card!

2008-12-04T18:39:00.002-05:00

It blows my mind that I witnessed this. That said, being the next speaker was pretty damn easy.

JohnnyM's Quick Hits

2008-12-03T20:04:00.002-05:00

You know, a lot of the time I have ideas for blog posts that never become anything. This could be because these ideas are "bad", or "not very well thought out". But it might also be because I don't have time to sit my ass down and take the time to write what I consider to be a good posting. Let's go with that explanation.

With that in mind, I now present to you "JohnnyM's Quick Hits". This has nothing to do with those pictures of me from university with a bong in my hand, but is rather a forum for me to express some (not very well thought out) ideas and comments that have recently come to mind. Will this be a semi-regularly recurring post? Will it not suck? Let's hope so. Let's get this party started:

1) Despite CoCo's attempt to run as a Bloc Quebecois candidate in Toronto, we rarely get political on your asses, but I have to say that I am absolutely fascinated by all of this "bring down the minority government with a new coalition government, and install a lame duck Prime Minister" stuff that's been going down lately. Maybe it's because I'm an "anarchist asshole", or maybe it's because I think being an arrogant prick is enough of a reason to fire somebody, but I'm all aboard the Coalition Train, baby! Let's do this! (If I thought we had any readers in Alberta, I'd apologize at this point.)

2) This one has been irritating me for a few weeks now. That's right, this whole Beyonce - "I am...Sasha Fierce" bullshit. More like, "I am...pretentious". I don't really know what the hell gets into musician's heads when they decide to create "alter-egos", but I don't think it's anything good. I mean, when has this worked? Maybe with David Bowie and Ziggy Stardust, but at least he had the excuse that he was clearly doing a pack-mule's worth of the finest Columbian cocaine each day. What's Beyonce's excuse? Anyone else remember Garth Brook's alter-ego, Chris Gaines? I do, but only because one time Garth Brooks hosted Saturday Night Live, and some moron called Chris Gaines was the musical guest. And it was shit.
Full disclosure: when I created my blogger account, I narrowed down my list of potential screen names to two: the eventual winner, "JohnnyM", and "Sasha Fierce". Maybe I'm just regretting that decision.

3) You know what's coming up in a couple of weeks? That's right - it's my favourite post of the year! Here's the 2006 and 2007 versions.

The Meaning of America's Choice of Obama: A Pictorial

2008-11-15T16:00:00.006-05:00

A quick list of things I currently do that would get me in a lot less trouble if I was a baby

2008-11-14T19:28:00.002-05:00

Farting
Shitting my pants
Making a stink sphere that encompasses everyone around me
Blatantly ignoring people who don't interest me
Flipping the bird under the false premise of an accidental hand gesture
Drinking heavily from a bottle until I vomit all over myself
Gawking at women's breasts while making suggestive faces

Transit City: Jet Packs and Light Rail

2008-11-09T21:38:00.002-05:00

Before we get started, I'd like to dedicate this post to PChrist's recently new born son, and CoCo's yet to be born and somewhat late daughter (based on my extensive knowledge of women, she's probably just trying on outfits before heading out. "Heading out"? Hilarious.) As PChrist pointed out today - they're not just having children...they're adding blog readers. And God knows we need them.

As often noted, this blog is not just about the Toronto Transit Commission...despite this post, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and especially this one, which is basically about the same thing as what I'm about to write. But let's not worry about that, and talk about "Transit City", the TTC's bold light rail plan, which will take Toronto's transit into the 21st century.

I ride the subway every day into my (real) job, and over the past few weeks, all the subway cars and stations have been plastered with ads for Transit City. Unfortunately, I don't run the TTC, but if I did, and I had a massively expensive infrastructure plan I was trying to get off the ground, I don't think I'd be turning away advertising dollars to advertise...uh...myself. But, whatever, let's take a look at some of these clearly well thought out light rail routes:

Don Mills
This 18-kilometre long line will run along the Don Mills Road corridor from the Bloor-Danforth Subway to Steeles Avenue and potentially into York Region.

"Potentially"?? I'm hoping we can firm that one up before we start laying track.

"Well, we've hit Steeles Ave, boss. Where to now?"
"Fuck it - let's just go to Sudbury."

I think this is my favourite though:

Eglinton Crosstown
This 31-kilometre long route will link Kennedy Station in the east with Pearson Airport and the Mississauga Transitway in the west.

Wait a second...I used to live on Eglinton. It's pretty built up once you get past Laird...where would the train go?

The line will operate in an underground tunnel from approximately Laird Drive in the east to Keele Street in the west.

Of course it will! Tunnels - they're simple.

In an attempt to come up with our own light rail line worthy of the clearly thought out "Transit City", I now boldly present:

The JTC
This 6.2km long route will link The Only Cafe with Scotland Yard. Also, it will go to The Auld Spot, and The Rose and Crown (when it re-opens). And I'm feeling generous, so it'll stop at your house. Also, the cars will be pulled by unicorns.

Being a visionary is thirsty work. That's why I'm looking forward to the 4th Annual JTC Remembrance Day Pub Crawl tomorrow night. Boo-yah!

Tales of Hypocrisy! - Volume 1

2008-10-28T21:54:00.003-04:00

Both of you probably remember my searing insightful - yet hilarious - post about people who sit in the wrong seats on airplanes and sporting events.

Well, last Tuesday night CoCo and myself were at the Leafs game (shockingly, they lost in a shoot out), and we...uh...sat in the wrong seats. I honestly don't know what happened. When I walked in the stairwell, I made eye contact with the usher who apparently recognized me and said, "You know where you're going." Apparently not. For those of you who don't like to click on links, I'll refresh your memories as to how I previously referred to these fine folks:

"Additionally, there are ushers (aka "Idiot Gate-Keepers") at every entrance into each section to direct illiterate morons."

Whoops.

When we sat down, I...uh...kicked someone out of one of the seats (that wasn't mine). Fortunately, he was an idiot too, and was sitting in the wrong seat. When the rightful owner of the seat I'd planted my fat ass in showed up, I realized I'd made the old "section 318 - section 319 switcheroo". As we moved to the correct seats, I thanked the sweet Lord that the game hadn't started (and that the Leafs weren't on a power play).

Just to show you how strong of character I am, when we took our correct seats, I decided to try and pin our misfortune on my good friend CoCo, with the following exchange:

JohnnyM: "What the hell happened there?"
CoCo: "I don't know."
JohnnyM: "Was that you or me that caused that?"
CoCo: "I'm pretty sure that was you."
JohnnyM: "Son of a bitch."

Sweet fancy Moses, I am a dumb bastard.

Speaking of dumb bastards, the Leafs sent naked cell phone guy down to the minors on Saturday. Just to show that his judgement is still exceptional when it comes to pictures of himself, check out the pic attached to this story.

JTC's guide to naming a PGA Tour event

2008-10-17T09:37:00.012-04:00

Just follow this simple formula, and you'll end up with a great name for a tournament:

I'm Pretty Sure I'm The Coolest Guy I Know

2008-10-15T21:54:00.002-04:00

Last week I went for a run. It was pretty long, so I ended up back in my old 'hood here in Toronto, at the intersection of Yonge and Eglinton. I was about to head off the busy streets, away from all the traffic and people, but something made me want to run up Yonge...it was my rampant alcoholism.

You see, as previously mentioned, we've been pretty bummed out ever since the Rose and Crown shut down. And yet, we've also been fairly excited ever since our fan told us that the Rose was going to "bloom again". (As an aside, that's pretty gay. Not that sexuality has anything to do with it.) Also, I'd recently seen some ads on the subway advertising "Alexander Keith's Birthday Party" on October 5th, with one of the locations being none other than the Rose and Crown. (As another aside, how many birthdays does this fucker have? When I visited the Keith's brewery in Halifax, it was his birthday that night too! As an aside to the aside, my CHP told me to "tone done the swearing on the blog". WTF?)

Anyway, I ran north up Yonge, which is not a bright idea at around 6:30pm, as the sidewalk is just jammed with peeps. Interestingly, I was at almost the exact spot where I had previously enjoyed a foot race in the opposite direction. As I ran, I was forced to dodge between pedestrians, a bus shelter, and various utility poles. As I made one particularly quick move around a parked bicycle, I somehow managed to catch the wire from my headphones around said bicycle. I kept moving; the headphones did not. "Shit!" I loudly exclaimed, much to the dismay of a passing 8 year old.

I walked back to the bike, where somehow, my headphones had managed to get tangled around the spokes of one wheel. As I tried to quickly unwrap my headphones - avoiding eye contact with the numerous passers-by - I was thinking how awesome it would be if the owner of the bike had suddenly appeared. Unfortunately, they did not, and I was soon on my way.

Which is why I'm pretty sure I'm the coolest guy I know.

Oh yeah - and the Rose is still shut.

A war is upon us

2008-10-10T12:41:00.002-04:00

Nation, we are engaged in a war that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of Vancouver to the Rocky Mountains. This war is going to take many turns, and the enemy, Bears, must be defeated.

Bears have made it clear that British Columbia is the central front in their war against humanity. As we fight the enemy in B.C., every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the ruthlessness of the enemy we face, something a great neighbour to the south has been been doing for years.

These bears share the same ideology as the terrorists who struck the United States on September the 11th. They share the same ideology with those who blew up commuters in London and Madrid, and murdered tourists in Bali. Just last weekend, they attempted to massacre a B.C. native, Jim West, and in September, a group of fishermen armed with gaffs and knives heroically killed a black bear that launched a suicide attack on a boat at a dock in Port Renfrew.

This is an enemy without conscience, and they cannot be appeased. If we're not fighting and destroying these Bears in B.C., they would be plotting and killing Canadians across the world and in other provinces.

Against this adversary there is only one effective response: We will never back down, we will never give in, and we will never accept anything less than complete victory.

Some are calling for a deadline for withdrawal from B.C. Many advocating an artificial timetable for withdrawing Canadians are sincere, but I believe they're sincerely wrong. Pulling our Canadians out before they've achieved their purpose is not a plan for victory. As Jacques Drisdelle, B.C. provincial co-ordinator of Bear Aware said recently, "Bears should never be tolerated. Setting an artificial timetable would discourage Canadians because it seems to be heading for the door. It will encourage the Bears."

Mr. Disdelle is right: Setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would send a message to all of Mother Nature’s violent creates that Canada is weak. Setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would send a signal to our enemies that if they wait long enough, humanity will cut and run. And setting an artificial deadline to withdraw would vindicate the terrorist Bear tactics of maulings, honey pot stealing and garbage raiding, and invite more attacks on humans.

And like fascism and communism before, the hateful ideologies of Bears that use terror will be defeated by the unstoppable power of freedom. We will answer history's call with confidence because we know that freedom is the destiny of every man, woman, child and spawning salmon on this Earth. Nature-loving, bear-killing Canadians: Our freedom and our way of life are in your hands, and I believe they're in the best of hands.

WTF Volume 8: Your JTC Board of Directors

2008-09-29T23:31:00.002-04:00

WTF Factor: Sheepish smile

Hi there. Sorry about the wait. After literally being inundated with one comment on my last post, I really feel like we owe you an explanation. I think our old friend 'Anonymous' really summed it up well here:

"where the hell are you guys????"

Where, indeed? I mean, surely some shit must have been happening with us that we could have written about. CoCo and I attended the totally misleadingly titled "Virgin Festival" on the Toronto Islands a few weeks back, where Noel Gallagher - a man who has had a not insignificant impact on my musical listening career - was assaulted on stage. Then, because I'm much smarter than he is, I managed to get home around 11:30pm, while CoCo was waiting for a ferry for over two hours. That would seem to have blog post written all over it! And yet...nothing.

I traveled to New Brunswick for work, with a thought of writing a "WTF Redundancy Volume 47: Fredericton" post. Turns out that Fredericton is a beautiful city with a lot to offer the exercise-minded business traveler. Son of a bitch. I considered writing a "WTF - How Come You're So Awesome, Fredericton?" post. And yet....nothing. (And in my defense, that post would have sucked.)

Just last week, in an attempt to draw us out, our friends at the Toronto Transit Commission decided to create commuter chaos by making up a situation which shut down the subway system for hours. I mean - "cables on the track"? Embarrasing. And yet...nothing.

Well enough of this shit, my friends. We're back. On Saturday night, I'm going out to Nuit Blanche, which - if you aren't familiar - is this all night art thingie that Toronto apparently ripped off from other cities that probably do it much, much better. Last year, we walked around and looked at the "art", and even came up with our own JTC-based exhibit entitled, "Juxtapose Strobe". The premise is this: We do the robot with a strobe light pointed at us, whilst yelling "Juxtapose!" and "Strobe!" Trust me - it's better than most of the shit out there.

Speaking of shit, last year when we were walking around, we saw a toilet at the side of the road. For a second, we thought perhaps it was an "art installation". Turns out that someone was just... you know...throwing away a toilet. Still - I tried to convince CoCo to sit on it, and simulate defecating to see how many people we could convince that it was "real art". If only we'd had a strobe light. Juxtapose!

This Saturday should be a real barn burner. In the words of CoCo:

"We’re not fucking around this year – we’re bringing tons of booze and food with us in packs and just drinking and partying throughout the whole thing as opposed to pub crawls. Even thinking of making a sign that we’d carry around with us, and when we sit down and drink, put it up – it would be a fake installation sign and the art would be called “People tired of looking at art and drinking in a park” and the description could be something like “it’s the juxtaposition of the drinking with the art appreciation” and maybe we could take a strobe light along or something."

Juxtapose! Strobe!

WTF Volume 7: Taste of the Danforth

2008-08-13T20:19:00.005-04:00

As has previously been reported in this space, the Taste of the Danforth festival which occurs every year here in Toronto can be quite the epicentre of hilarity. This year, for the benefit of our reader(s), I decided to "embed" myself in the hot Greek action (that should get us a few Google hits) by working at my friend's food stand. And here's what I observed:

The Weather

WTF Factor: Attempting to acquire two of every animal

Holy. Shit. It was a deluge of biblical proportions. The weather this past weekend was terrible, which kept a lot of peeps away. Which was too bad, because I really think that more people = more idiocy = more hilarity. Oh yeah, I guess it sucked for all the people who rely on Taste of the Danforth in order to make money too. Don't worry though - I promised my friend I'd buy a burrito off him every week for the rest of the year.

Peacock Feathers

WTF Factor: Bemused staring

Every year that I've gone to Taste of the Danforth, I see people walking around with peacock feathers that they have purchased of a street vendor. The great mystery is this - WHY? WTF do they do with these things once they get them home? Shove them in their balding peacock? Bizarre.

Idiots

WTF Factor: Laughing with strangers

Okay - so at the stand where I was working we were selling soft-shell tacos, which we served on paper plates. About every 10th customer would ask if we could give them a fork. I made the executive decision that we weren't going to hand out forks because once you hand out one fork, everyone else is suddenly going to decide that they can't possibly live without their free plastic fork. This, by far, was my favourite exchange on the topic:

Idiot: "Can I have a fork?"
JohnnyM: "Sorry, buddy - no forks. Hey - it's a taco, right? Just roll it up at eat it!"
Idiot: "I can eat the plate?"
JohnnyM: *stunned silence* "Uh...not really."
*crowd erupts in laughter*

Cheap Bastards

WTF Factor: Dismissive irritation

I was blown away by the number of people who would walk up, and ask me for free stuff, or try to bargain me down. The prices are posted, you fuckers. One dude (who found a sharp knife that I think I may have accidentally knocked onto the street) must have asked me three or four times. "Well, I'll have a chicken taco, because it's free right?" Not really, dick head. Again, here's my favourite exchange with these jack-asses:

Cheap Bastard: "How much are the Mexican drinks?"
JohnnyM: "$2."
Cheap Bastard: "I'll give you $3 for 2."
JohnnyM: "I don't think so."
Cheap Bastard: "Come on, man! If I was in Mexico, I could get a ton of these for $2!"
JohnnyM: "Yeah, but the airfare would set you back a bit."

Anger at The Only?

WTF Factor: Being more upset than I care to admit

As previously mentioned, The Only Cafe is the best pub in Toronto. After my Saturday shift on the Danforth, I decided to wander down the street to the Only for a pint. Not unexpectedly, it was fairly busy in there, so I sat down at the bar. About 30 minutes later, it started getting really busy in there, which resulted in a bunch of peeps crowding all around me. After a few more minutes, I was getting leaned on enough by the drunk morons behind me, that I was practically making out with the bar (Off-topic: making out with the bar at the Only is actually a recurring fantasy of mine. But not like this. Not like this.) So that was pretty uncomfortable. Then some fucking guy, decided to set up shop directly behind me and YELL at the top of his lungs, at anybody and everybody in the bar. At one point, he looked at me. "You must hate me," he slurred. "Kind of," I replied. I then left the Only in anger - the one (and I hope ONLY) time I ever do that in my life. Ugh.

Don't Lose Your Head In A Crisis

2008-08-01T09:06:00.005-04:00

So, yesterday I was surfing around on the internet, and I was looking at the headlines on the City News website. "Man Decapitated on Bus" screamed one headline. Given that I feel that City News has about as much credibility as the National Enquirer - I wouldn't be surprised to see a headline announcing "Alien Impregnates Cat" - I didn't even bother looking at the story.

Then I went to the Globe and Mail's website, and found out that someone had actually been murdered on a Greyhound bus. After being stabbed multiple times, the attacker had hacked off the victim's head. And they say all the creeps and weirdos are on the TTC.

I discussed this shocking story with CoCo last night over a couple of beers. I felt that this incident could potentially be a real publicity problem for Greyhound, and that Via Rail may see a sudden upswing in business. I started trying to come up with Via Rail slogans that could capitalize on the story:

"Via Rail - 100% Less Decapitations Than Greyhound!"
"Don't Lose Your Head - Take Via Instead!"

CoCo then suggested that a severed head could be the new spokesperson for Via. Or could offer testimonials on how shitty Greyhound is. Or something like that. I don't really know what the hell he was talking about. That guy is so fucking insensitive sometimes.

The JTC Shit Pubs In Toronto

2008-07-30T21:21:00.015-04:00

After the overwhelming response to our Top 10 Pubs in Toronto list, we decided that in true JTC-fashion, it was time to stop being so damn positive and upbeat, and talk about the pubs in Toronto that we think suck pretty hard core.

So, here - in no particular order - are some pubs that we think are pretty shit:

1. The Unicorn

"An Irish Rovers Free House" indeed. The thing that pains me about this one, is that the Unicorn used to be a decent pub. We've been there tons of times, and have made quite a few stops in here on pub crawls. Shit - I used to live on the same block at this place! But over the years, something happened...the food and the service both became shit. I think I realized I had no desire to ever go back there, when one time I spent about 45 minutes just trying to pay and leave. Also, this place can really take crap live music to new depths of suckitude, especially after you hear "Mustang Sally" for the fifth time.

2. Sensual Lounge

The name? Crap. The place? Crapper. It does deserve a hat tip as being the place where we came up with the oft-referenced "Breast Milk White Russian" (give a lactating woman a shit-load of Kahlua and voila!), but major points are lost for taking no interest in serving us, not being able to give us beer, and for the high likelihood of being shot.

3. Bier Markt

Ugh. Wait in line forever. Join the mosh pit of suits at the bar. Pay $9 for a beer to impress your friends ("It's from Kazakstan!"). Gun. To. Head.

4. The Brunswick House

This was Co-Co's addition...I don't really have much of an issue with this place. I remember going there when I was 19 (and younger), and singing along to "Roll Out The Barrel Of Fun". But I trust Co-Co - it's obviously a shithole.

5. The Drake

You know...the problem with being better than everyone else is that sometimes people think you're pretentious.

Aaaaand, a couple other quick places we want to mention:

First off, Allen's. You know...this one really pains me. I'm extremely conflicted. I like the place, and the patio is terrific. The food is good, and they have a great beer and scotch selection. Buuuuuut...the service is just shit. One time when I was there, I ordered another beer. After about 20 minutes of waiting, I then asked the same waiter for the bill, which he brought me after another 20 minutes. No acknowledgement of the beer order was made. More recently, I went there at 3:30pm on a Monday, and was told that there was no room for me on the patio...unless I was ordering food. Fuck off. I can't bring myself to ban this place outright, but it's officially on probation.

Next, let's talk about the establishment that the JTC Board has designated as "Most Anticipated" - Commuter's Lounge. We've never been there, but buried in the basement of the transit hub that is Union Station sits what can only be described as one of the scariest looking establishments we've ever set eyes on. Last year, before an evening event at the convention centre, I told my friends that we'd meet here. Hilariously, when I showed up, everyone was nervously standing outside, and I was greeted with, "Are we seriously going in there?" Hilarious. We didn't, and not a day goes by that I don't regret that choice.

Finally, as previously mentioned and never discussed since, I recently completed the Ironman triathlon in Lake Placid. In honour of this impressive waste of time, the JTC Board has unanimously voted to enjoy a "Post-Ironman Pub Crawl" in late August (you can bet your sweet ass we won't be visiting any of the places listed above...apart from Commuter's Lounge). Given my recent lack of alcohol consumption, leaving me with the tolerance of a malnourished 8 year old asian girl, we will soon get to find out the answer to the below vexing equation:

Even with two buttons to choose from, there was a 100% chance of him screwing it up

2008-07-30T15:27:00.003-04:00

This one is pretty much real-time reporting kids, enjoy.

Just minutes ago, I was walking back from a meeting in a building next to my office with a colleague of mine who is far less intelligent than me. Ok, I’ll narrow it down a little more – he’s far less intelligent than my hot feces.

That was mean. Sorry hot feces, I take that back - you’re way smarter than him.

So the Mensa convention begins with him chatting uncontrollably about his upcoming vacation during our walk back to our building. I try to interject to stop the onslaught of audible diarrhea that I couldn’t possibly care less about, but the look in his eyes tell me both that his brain is a vacuum, and that this story is going to go on for a while.

We arrive at the ground floor of the elevator to our building to go up to our floor, and he erroneously hits the “down” button. This wasn’t a hand-eye coordination issue – it’s not like he was looking away and missed. He had a choice of two one-inch diameter round buttons, one on top of the other, and he was looking directly at it when he hit the one on the bottom. Granted, they aren’t labeled “up” and “down”, but I think they ruled out the necessity for labeling when they had this guy accurately work the buttons during prototyping:

Immediately after seeing him press the wrong button, I start trying to cut off the continuing saga of his hotly anticipated vacation with warnings that he’s pressed the wrong button, in order to allow him the opportunity to correct the error as opposed to my pressing the correct button for him, which might make him feel a little like I’ve pulled up his pants.

However, after refusing to be interrupted at the height of his excitement in hearing himself talk, it appears he might as well not be wearing pants. I press the “up” button as time is starting to burn and I’ve got people to do - and he doesn’t even notice.

As his previously called “down” elevator comes in it’s proper priority order, he begins to board. Flabbergasted, I begin to exercise emergency conversation-interrupting techniques, such as shouting his name and sending out visible hand signal warnings. Something like “Bob… BOB! Dude! You’re getting on the wrong elevator…” *waving hands in the "don't do it" motion, which looks like jazz hands, but with a concerned instead of happy face*.

I then immediately felt like I might have layed on the verbal warnings a little thick and a little loud, realizing that if I just don’t board, surely he’ll get the message and get off and perhaps my yelling wasn’t necessary.

Oh, people, it was necessary. My verbal warnings went unheeded and unheard over his continuing one-way dialogue. The elevator door closed, and to my astonishment, he went on his downward journey without me. How he continued to tell his story while the elevator door closed between us is something science can't explain. I shook my head and boarded my upward elevator which arrived shortly after his departure.

I wonder if this fucking tool understood what I was yelling about as he instructed his elevator car to double-back from the basement.

I’m still not sure how this guy makes it to our office every day.

Saturday is a Great Day to Go Fishing

2008-07-26T09:51:00.003-04:00

As previously discussed in this space, surging energy costs are a terrifying reality. It really shouldn't be too long now until we live in a post-apocalyptic world filled with anti-semetic Australians and their dogs.

Recently, a glimmer of hope came into my inbox, courtesy of the Toronto Star. Curiously, this is the same publication that pointed out that despite the fact I don't drive my car much at all, my life will also soon be ruined by high oil prices. Anyway, the Star is giving away $1000 in free gas weekly over the course of the summer, which is going to be great for all of us who envision ourselves more as the 'warlords', and less as the 'peons' in our doomsday future.

But then, after re-reading The Star article, I thought about the people who perhaps were struggling to make ends meet...those who perhaps don't want gas, but would be more interested in, say, $1000 in free ball point pens. I immediately jumped to action:

To: circmail@thestar.ca

Subject: Saturday Star Gas Giveaway Contest

Hi there,

I recently received an e-mail promoting the "Saturday Star Gas Giveaway Contest", where lucky subscribers have the chance to win $1000 in free gas. I think this is a great contest, but I was wondering if you would consider modifying the prize. As per recent reports in numerous media outlets, including the Toronto Star (http://www.thestar.com/article/455107), the high price of oil is affecting the cost of many consumer products. As I rarely drive my car (I'm extremely fond of the TTC), I was hoping that instead of $1000 in free gas, you would consider perhaps offering $1000 worth of some of the consumer products listed in your article which are being impacted by skyrocketing prices. Say, $1000 of ball point pens? Or of driveway sealer? Maybe a combination of these items (nylons, mops, garbage bags, etc.) which adds up to being worth $1000?

Please let me know your thoughts.

Regards,
JohnnyM

I'll let you know when I hear back.

WTF Volume 6: T in the Park

2008-07-16T22:28:00.016-04:00

The company sent me into the field to report yet again, this time to the Scottish music festival T in the Park. Camping in the rural fields of Scotland would itself be a delightful trip, but couple that experience with 80,000 rabid, drugged up Scottish music fans and you’ve got yourself a hell of a weekend. Unfortunately, having been so busy polluting my own body, I didn’t have time to send a postcard and hence am just reporting now. So, in classic WTF fashion, here’s a rundown of some of the highlights:

Buckfast

WTF Factor: Gagging

15% alcohol + more caffeine than several cans of red bull + tastes like Red Wine's dirty cousin + cheap as chips = best seller among Neds and generally the entire Scottish concert-going population.

Throwing pints over the crowd

WTF Factor: Closing eyes and sighing

It’s not only that these assholes toss their full pint in the air to spray down on people's heads, it’s the fact that they paid around eight bucks Canadian a pint to do so.

Throwing pints of urine over the crowd

WTF Factor: Closing eyes and crying

Seriously, sometimes it wasn’t beer. Fucking animals.

Peeing anywhere

WTF Factor: Smirk

Most were mannered enough to do it at the fences, however one dude just took it out and pissed in the crowd at center stage. I felt like I was in a herd of cows.

afsdfsad

Women peeing anywhere

WTF Factor: Disturbing eroticism

It might be a little sexist, but I somehow find this more shocking, mostly due to the complexities created by obvious anotomical differences. There were two levels here; “Classy”: using a P-mate (holy shit I could write en entire article on this instructional page alone), or “Ultra-Classy”: squatting in the open, with your creamed clam exposed.

Dying at the concert

WTF Factor: silently mouthing *wow*

I mean, it was the time of my life, but getting stabbed 11 times, isn’t going to get you fame. Just have a campfire, get wasted and go to bed like the rest of us.

Surging energy costs to break household budgets: A JTC panel discussion

2008-07-07T18:21:00.005-04:00

As the Toronto Star points out, although the price of oil is predominantly felt at the pumps, the quick and continuous rise of oil prices will most certainly bring about a Mad Max-esque society of rioting consumers fighting to survive. The article plays out cost scenarios for a variety of common household items likely to be affected by the wide-ranging effects of high energy costs. With this important topic deserving of some analysis, two of your directors, JohnnyM and Coco The Monkey, sat down to discuss the end of the world.

JohnnyM: How's tricks, Coco? What do you make of this awful situation and brilliant article?

Coco The Monkey: The article lists a range of common household items that are petroleum-based and will rise with the cost of the barrel, or will increase in cost due to links to oil prices through distribution or manufacturing. Frankly, I'm a little worried about the unavoidable nylon-toothpaste-pillow-mop-ice-cube-tray-trash-bag-ballpoint-pen-based riots.

Johnny: Did you say ice-cube trays? Holy shit! I go through like 10 ice-cube trays a week! (straps on riot gear)

Coco: I used to buy $0.99 ice cube trays and then get about 20 years of use out of them. Thanks to the price of oil, my ice-cube tray costs could possibly double, putting me out another dollar every 20 years. Not sure how I’m going to afford that. And don’t even get me started on mops. I don’t think I’ve heard of a more high frequency, matter-of-life-or-death purchase. We’re fucking doomed.

Johnny: The people I feel for are the bank robbers who rely on putting nylons on their face to conceal their identity. You need money, so you’re going to rob a bank; can’t rob a bank, because you don’t have enough money for nylons. It’s a fucking no win situation.

Coco: Fuck nylons, what about mailing letters? No, not email - you know, the kind where you get out a quill and ink, grab a piece of parchment and send a message as a value alternative to the pricey telegraph? These days, I’m sending like one or maybe even two of those each year! If Canada Post goes ahead, as the article describes, and raises the price of a single stamp from 52 to 54 cents, and by two more cents each year in each of 2010 and 2011, my annual mailing costs are going to skyrocket from just over a dollar, to somewhere in the neighbourhood of a little bit more than just over a dollar. It’s absolutely frightening.

Johnny: All of this is so scary to talk about, but someone has to talk about it – it’s too important not to.

Coco: No shit. For another gasp, take a look at the article's example of driveway sealer costs - a possible 37% increase! That means my favorite, airport-grade brand could go from the affordable price of $27.49, to a sorry-kids-you’re-not-going-to-college price of $37.66!

Johnny: This driveway sealing thing has me really concerned. While I’ve never bought driveway sealer in my life – and don’t actually have a driveway – I feel certain that there are some cracks requiring petroleum-derived sealers SOMEWHERE in my house.

Coco: What a disaster.

Johnny: I feel sick, and I’d love to take a nap to try to get rid of this pounding headache I’ve developed. Unfortunately, I throw away my pillows after each use, and due to the SOARING COST OF PILLOWS, I’m completely screwed.

Coco: I could cry, but I'm worried my tears might be petroleum-based, and if so, I can't afford to.

Johnny: The only saving grace in all of this is that I feel protected from the recent sharp increase in the cost of ballpoint pens. I steal a box of those a week from work, so it’s all good. Maybe I can sell those pens on the sure-to-be red hot ballpoint pen black market to buy my pillows, stamps, driveway sealer, nylons and ice cube trays.

Coco: Exactly - if there is anything to learn from this article and it's rational doomsday forecast, its that it will be important for all citizens to start clearing out the canned food and making space in their bomb shelters for the necessary ballpoint pens, mops, and tar-based sealers that will soon be bartered in these underground markets. This will save the average citizen from having to go to the seedy, mob-run house and office supply gangs for their needs. If we don't start hoarding now, well be at the mercy of the cartels flying Bics and Swiffers in from Colombia.

Johnny: Horrifying.

Coco: No shit! However, what really concerns me, and is not mentioned in the article, is the inevitably prohibitive cost of the most critical of petroleum-based products - petroleum jelly. That's right, no longer will the average working class labourer be able to afford the luxury of a generous daily coating of Vaseline. Just imagine the impacts to productivity when our working men and women arrive on the job chapped and chaffing, and having had to bare-back their masturbatory sessions. Oh, the humanity.

Well, that's all the time we have today. I'd like to thank our panel members, us. Your panel will return next week when we discuss investment strategies for the new century, with specific focus on the effects of rising sea levels on the price of coconuts.

Did I read that right? Dammit! I fucking love coconuts.

The JTC Top Ten Pubs in Toronto

2008-07-05T19:04:00.009-04:00

We here at JTC recently realized that we love pubs, we spend a lot of time in pubs, and we support a lot of pubs financially, and yet we never seem to write much about pubs. Realizing this egregious error, we sprang into action, ran to a pub, and quickly put together the earth-shattering:

JTC Top Ten Pubs in Toronto!

Here they are, in no particular order (except I put the best one first):

1. The Only Cafe
General comments: Hands down the best pub in Toronto. Coincidentally, about a 5 minute walk from my front door.
Place in JTC History: The start of "Remembrance Day Pub Crawl I: The Forward Danforth". Curiously, also the starting point for the more recent "Reverse Danforth", which Co-Co was pretty horny for.

2. The Rebel House
General comments: Quite tiny, but one hell of a pub - great food and a good beer selection
Place in JTC History: Visited during "Descent into Madness '07". Co-Co was ridiculed here for his directional idiocy, in making us change directions during a pub crawl.

3. The Dora Keogh
General comments: Fuller's London Porter ON TAP? Fuck and yes.
Place in JTC History: The ending point for "Remembrance Day Pub Crawl I: The Forward Danforth". Notable for the fact that I couldn't feel my hands and was having trouble seeing at that point. Wouldn't Mom be proud.

4. The Fox and Firkin*
General comments: The first of our entries that requires an asterisk, meaning that explanation is required: we wouldn't REALLY recommend this pub anymore, but felt compelled to include it because...
Place in JTC History: Not only did we hit this pub on about 8 different "Descent into Madness" and 4 "Roaring Bender" pub crawls, but it was the birth place of our hit sitcom - "Human Style" (still in development).

5. The Auld Spot
General comments: A Scottish pub? On the Danforth? And they have Mill Street Tankhouse on tap? Check, check and check.
Place in JTC History: Hit on all Danforth pub crawls (both forward and reverse), and the site of a damn fine St. Paddy's Day if memory serves.

6. Scotland Yard
General comments: Probably the only real pub on The Esplanade, and the least pretentious place near the centre of the universe that is King and Bay. Currently losing points for removing one Golden Tee machine, and taking Tankhouse off the taps because, "people don't drink dark beers in the summer". What. The. Fuck.
Place in JTC History: Current site of the JTC weekly after-work meeting, and where we wrote this exquisite list you're currently enjoying.

7. The Granite Brewery
General comments: A damn fine micro-brewery. Coincidentally, less than a 5 minute walk from my old apartment.
Place in JTC History: The start of many a "Descent into Madness" pub crawl

8. The Rose and Crown*
General comments: Deserving of the asterisk because it...uh...is shut down. Interestingly, the web site is still active.
Place in JTC History: Hit on numerous pub crawls (noting a pattern here?), and also one of the places that I lost the JTC notebook.

9. The Irish Embassy*
General comments: Keeping good diplomatic relations with the Irish is very important to us. But despite that fact, this place gets an asterisk because it's kind of annoying going there and finding all tables reserved, and a mosh pit of suits around the bar, however...
Place in JTC History: Original site of the weekly after-work "JTC Operational Metrics Meeting". In fact, the recurring invitation on my calendar still reads "The Embassy" as the location.

10. Well, we don't actually have a 10th, because we decided that there weren't ten pubs in Toronto that deserved a place on this list - that's how discerning we are. Of course, if you have a suggestion, feel free to add it to the comments.

Things That Drive Me Insane Vol. 4 - People Who Can't Find Their Seats

2008-06-19T22:29:00.005-04:00

Well, after Volume 3 of this incredible series was posted, I've been inundated with requests for more things that people can do to piss me off, so here we go: WTF is up with peeps who can't find their seats when they have a perfectly clear ticket in their hand, and perfectly clear seat signage?

Let's start with some recent examples of this. Last week, I was in the shit-hole of Surrey, British Columbia, just outside of Vancouver. (Apologies to anyone from Surrey, but I mean come on - the city's slogan should be "It's not a crack house - it's a crack HOME".) On both my flight to Vancouver and back, some fucking dumbass was convinced that they should be sitting in my seat, despite the fact that the sign above the seat clearly indicated that they were not. I really enjoyed the idiocy of the woman on my flight to Vancouver who - once she took her correct seat beside me - decided to wake me up at one point, to enquire if I was using her seatbelt. I wasn't because that's...you know...FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. But thanks for waking me up.

While these seat-morons are irritating on flights, where they really tweak my nipples is at sporting events. I mainly attend Leafs and Raptors games at the Air Canada Centre, and I really don't know how the sections and seats could be more clearly marked. Additionally, there are ushers (aka "Idiot Gate-Keepers") at every entrance into each section to direct illiterate morons. I can only imagine the chaos if these guys weren't there. Despite this fact, at virtually every game I go to, there always seems to be mass confusion a row or two in front of me shortly after the start of the game where people argue over whose seats are whose, punctuated with much head-scratching and staring at tickets. More enraging? This always seems to happen during a Leafs power play.

I never know how to finish these posts. I'm usually so worked up that I feel like flinging my keyboard through the monitor, so why don't we just end this here.

Beautiful Transit Anarchy

2008-06-14T10:57:00.008-04:00

The scene
I’m onboard a Toronto Transit Commission subway car, work-bound. I board at Christie station, and take the Bloor line east to St. George station, at which point I had planned to transfer to a southbound train to the downtown core. Upon arrival at St. George, it’s apparent that this commute will be seriously disrupted.

The problem
As I get off Bloor line subway, I’m on the lower level of the station (see the cross section of Clusterfuck HQ below). I’m shocked to find that there has been so much delay on the North/South line on the floor above, that the backlog of passengers has filled the stairway, stopping me one third of the way up the stairs from the bottom floor (as our regular readers would know, TTC service disruptions make us some of us pretty excited, as do strikes, terrorism, guerilla warfare and the proliferation of nuclear weapons).

The following (cherished) societal abnormalities result from this situation

As I turn to get back on the Bloor line, I find the passengers from the trains that came in after mine have now filled the entire bottom floor, and the bottom third of the stairwell on which I’m standing.
Anyone with a hint of claustrophobia starts seriously freaking out, mindlessly and stressfully asking people next to them what’s going on. When one of these cool cats shakes the question out of their quivering lips to me, I say “umm, looks like a lot of people are taking the subway today.”
The escalator keeps moving up to the second floor and there isn’t space on the second floor. But people keep boarding and then coming off the escalator like lemmings. As they come off at the top, the density of bodies keeps increasing, reaching a point of overcapacity distinguished by the crowd’s angry grunts and shrieks.
The passengers on the bottom floor who want to go to street level (again, see cross-section of station above) start realizing they are trapped. Obviously waiting out what is likely to be a short 20 minute ordeal is not an option, and instead they do the sensible thing and try to climb up the backs of the people on the packed stairwell.
Two ladies ahead of me are shoved backwards, and I catch them, forced backwards with the hard heel of my dress shoe only half on my stair. I manage to keep it together by grabbing for a rail, which is a good thing as I would’ve absolutely crushed the four-foot grandma behind me, and likely others in the human-avalanche that would’ve ensued.
A few stairs up from me, two guys who were a little to close for comfort had a face-to-face 'fuck you' competition, cussing each other out and looking like a rumble was going to ensue. When they realized that this would require fighting in a very tight crowd on a stairway, they gave closing gestures and turned away. The funny part: they had to then stand there steaming at each other for 20 minutes, shoulder to shoulder and faces turned away like some old married couple after a fight. Hilarious.

Of course, when I told JohnnyM about all this, that anarchist asshole was fucking elated and wished he could've been there.

JTC Hotness Contest, Volume 2: Bette Midler vs. Barbara Streisand

2008-06-02T21:59:00.012-04:00

My co-board member Pchrist recently saw what he thought was a picture of Bette Midler. Being totally into that genre of music (and steeped in gayness), JohnnyM promptly corrected him, indicating that it was in fact Barbara Streisand. Given the many similarities between these 60-something Jewish goddesses, I can see how Pchrist mistook one for the other. So, following the inspiring (and somewhat gay) path that JohnnyM has blazed (flamed?), I'll attempt to show the subtle differences between these aging songstresses, and through the course of that exercise, decide who is hotter.

abc
Hotness Category 1 - Nickname

Bette: "The Devine Miss M"
Barbara: "Babs"

Edge: Obviously "Babs".

Hotness Category 2 - Jewishness

Bette: Known to pepper her speech with yiddish
Barbara: Won't even press elevator buttons on Sabbath

Edge: Barbara, by a schtickle.

Hotness Category 3 - Singing voice

Bette: Sultry, with occasional schtick
Barbara: It's not without it's chutzpah

Edge: I want to be the wind beneath Midler's wings.

Hotness Category 4 - Nose

Bette: Average
Barbara: Schnozzle

Edge: Babs.

Hotness Category 5 - Trunk

Bette: Juicy
Barbara: What a Tuschus!

Edge: Streisand.

Simple math: it's 4-1 Babs. Mazal Tov, you hot, hot yenta.

Things That Drive Me Insane Vol. 3 - Date Abbreviations That Don't Make Sense

2008-05-28T22:02:00.002-04:00

After the overwhelming response I received to Volume 1 and Volume 2 of this series, I really had no choice but to continue explaining things that make me want to gnaw my own hand off out of irritation.

In this installment, I'd like to mention people who insist on stating that (as an example) the year 2008 - pronounced "two thousand and eight" to most of us - can instead be shortened cleverly to "two-oh-eight". I don't know who the fuck started this, but "two-oh-eight" would be...you know...208. The start of the 3rd century. According to my friends at Wikipedia, this is what was happening then: "After the death of Commodus in the previous century the Roman Empire was plunged into a civil war." Not 2008, when ...uh..."Dawson's Creek (2003 series finale): The characters meet once again. Dawson, now 25 is the creator of a television series, The Creek, based on his life." Um...right.

I'm really not sure why this bothers me so much, but sweet fuck, it really, really does. Really.

Just realizing that I'm creating a blueprint for people that want to irritate the shit out of me,
JohnnyM

P.S. Did you guys hear that the toilet on the International Space Station is broken? They have one toilet on the whole station? That's just asking for trouble. What do they do when it's they're all eating hot and spicy food on (freeze-dried) Indian night?

Brainer

2008-05-27T11:17:00.003-04:00

To my shock and dismay, my hero's attempt has failed! His balloon floated away without him, taking with it both $200,000 of his budget, and my hopes and dreams.

But I'm confident he will try again. Despite the naysayers and their "intimidating risks", and despite spending $12M to date, only to fail three times? Fuck yeah.

And damn it, I can't think of a more important thing in the world to spend $12M+ on than a giant balloon ride to the edge space. Except maybe a bunch of smaller balloons to give to the one billion kids on this earth who live in poverty. Or food for them. Or they can all find hope in this one big balloon as it rises to the heavens, transporting a bored millionaire to space.

No-brainer

2008-05-26T13:00:00.002-04:00

Headline news today is the record-setting-skydive attempt by retired French paratrooper Michel Fournier, who plans to jump out of a hot air balloon on the edge of the stratosphere (the threshold of space, mind you), and plummet towards the earth. Delayed several times, the launch crew has been awaiting the right conditions. While they’re waiting, I thought I’d give them my views on this brilliant idea.

It makes so much sense that frankly, I’m embarrassed for all humanity that it took someone so long to do this. This whole thing seems like a no-brainer to me. Here is what the article calls “an intimidating set of risks”:

Upper-level wind shear that could damage the balloon (Fournier's first two attempts in 2002 and 2003 ended when wind gusts shredded his balloon before it even became airborne).
If the apparatus he’s riding in fails within the first 1,000 feet of ascent, there will not be enough time for Fournier to bail out, or for the balloon's parachute system to deploy. The engineers call this low-altitude segment the “Dead Zone”.
When he first exits the apparatus, because the air is so thin, he will not be able to correct his path by manoeuvring his body in the air – if he goes into a spin, he probably will not be able to recover before he blacks out from the force of acceleration. After falling about 15,000 feet, Mr. Fournier will pass the speed of sound. Even a minor kick could initiate an unrecoverable tumble.
If he is unconscious when he lands, his team must find him and remove his helmet before his spacesuit's air supply runs out. He could land anywhere in a 40 kilometer radius.

If it works (is there really a chance of failure here?):
“He will land, get some high-paid speaking gigs and take his place in aviation history”. High-paid speaking gigs? Aviation-fucking-history? Fournier’s got it made!

If it doesn’t work:
He will die, and take his place in aviation history. Just like this guy.

Coachella Hotness Contest: Emily Haines vs. Richard Ashcroft

2008-05-11T21:02:00.008-04:00

During JTC's recent sojurn to Southern California for the Coachella Arts and Music Festival, there were a few bands that we were quite looking forward to seeing play live. For me, the biggest draw was probably The Verve; CoCo was quite smitten with Metric.

Following these bands' performances, it became apparent that we were interested in perhaps more than just the music (although I defy any musical artist to open a set better than ripping into "This Is Music", like The Verve did). No, no - we were also quite taken with the lead singers of the respective bands. To settle the argument, I have decided to declare the first ever JTC Hotness Contest.

Step right up, peeps - it's Emily Haines of Metric versus Richard Ashcroft of The Verve:

Hotness Category #1 - Torso Attire

Haines: May not have been wearing a bra

Ashcroft: Definitely not wearing a bra (I saw nipple!)

Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #2 - Footwear
Haines: No one could remember

Ashcroft: None. All that hotness has to escape somewhere

Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #3 - Haircut*

Haines: "Could use a trim"

Ashcroft: "Looks way better with his hair like that"

* Quotes are courtesy of my CHP

Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #4 - Smitten JTC Board Member

Haines: CoCo T. Monkey

Ashcroft: JohnnyM

Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #5 - Aging?

Haines: Yes

Ashcroft: Gracefully

Edge: Ashcroft

Hotness Category #6 - Genitalia Location

Haines: Internal

Ashcroft: External

Edge: Haines (DAMMIT!)

So there you have it - through this totally scientific process, Ashcroft wins by a clear margin of 5-1.

I'm pretty sure CoCo has sex with men, and this is gayer than that,

JohnnyM

WTF Volume 5: The Baconator

2008-05-10T17:16:00.019-04:00

In this edition of JTC’s continuing “WTF” series, we analyze “The Baconator”, Wendy’s new hamburger, which is essentially a cow wearing buns.

Wendy's Strategy

WTF Factor: Palm-covered face

For a company that prides itself on quality and freshness, offering this colon-clogging behemoth is quite the fucking departure.

The Egregious Size of the Burger

WTF Factor: Speechless Pointing

Two quarter-pound patties, six slices of bacon, cheese, cheese sauce, mayonnaise. It sounds like a week’s worth of groceries.

The Nutritional Content

WTF Factor: Crinkled Brow

840 calories, 1880 mg of sodium: That’s just the burger. It’s 1660 booty-plumping calories with a large coke and fries. I feel like I’m putting on weight just looking at pictures of it.

People Who Order It

WTF Factor: Condescending Stare

Fast food enthusiasts can relish in their dissent of a pussy, health-conscious society, saying “fuck off, you granolas – I’m going to do what tastes right!”

The Experience of Eating One

WTF Factor: Clenched Anus

Wrapping your quivering lips around this meat-stronsity may quell your longing for grease, but trust me, your beleaguered bowls will pay for it. Constipation: what a rush!

fds

The Lack of Warning Labels

WTF Factor: Puzzled Stuterring

They have warning labels on cigarettes. Why not for this hamburger? The wrapper should read with at least the following warnings: Do not operate heavy machinery within 3 hours of consuming the Baconator. Women nursing or pregnant should avoid contact with the Baconator. If eating the Baconator results in an erection lasting longer then 8 hours, please contact your doctor.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-07T21:33:00.004-04:00

So - we've been back from Coachella for over a week, and haven't posted anything - our bad. Turns out that our "real jobs" are actually keeping us all pretty damn "busy". That's okay though - here's a random listing of shit I feel like talking about:

1) The Fucking Toronto Transit Strike

We've gone on and on about how a strike by the Toronto Transit Commission would be pretty damn cool. The union insisted that they would give at least 48 hours notice before going on strike, so we should be fine to leave town for a weekend to go to California, no? No. Those fuckers went on strike, ignoring the 48 hours notice promise, and we were in Cali, unable to enjoy the hysteria. By the time we were back, all transit was once again running smoothly.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

2) Best T-Shirt Seen At Coachella

While we saw a ton of great t-shirts at Coachella, the one with this graphic was hands-down our favourite:

3) This Deserved A Pair Of Bad Idea Jeans

So there we were, 4am on a Monday morning, driving the rental car back to LA, and we needed to fill it up with gas. I spotted a station, and pulled off the highway. The following conversation ensued:

CoCo: "If we get shot, this was your idea."
JohnnyM: "Don't be silly. I'm not getting out of the car. You are."

What followed was fucking bizarre. I got out of the car, to try to pump the gas. A car immediately pulls up beside me, and some woman gets out, offering to sell me a pair of "high-end car jacks". I then notice her vehicle has no rear wind shield. The gas pump won't take my fucking credit card because it's asking me for a zip code (hilariously, I tried "90210"). CoCo and I then tried to talk to the guy in the attendant booth, and give him $20 to pre-pay for some gas.

Despite some excellent miming of the action of gas pumping (which in hindsight MAY have looked like we were pretending to shoot someone lying on the ground) and the fact that the guy WORKED AT A GAS STATION (what did he think we wanted?) he had no idea what was going on. As more and more weirdos came out of the woodwork, and seemed to be taking a lot of interest in us, we decided to leave and purchase our petroleum derivatives elsewhere. I enjoyed this comment from CoCo - looking at the map - as I gunned our white-kid-carrying-rental-SUV straight outta there:

"Jesus - you just tried to buy gas at 4am in Compton."

See you in a week!

2008-04-23T19:21:00.004-04:00

The Board of Directors is en route (that's french for "on the way", people) to the Coachella festival this weekend. Enjoy yourselves (not that way), and we'll undoubtedly have some hilarity to share on our return. In the meantime, all of you JTC delegates are asked to participate in the new poll.

In my mind, you're all Super delegates.

Coco

TTC Strike Averted; JohnnyM Horrendously Disappointed

2008-04-20T21:10:00.003-04:00

So - contrary to my previously mentioned hopes and dreams, there will be no transit strike here in the city of Toronto, and the estimated 1.5 million daily TTC riders (my sublime, self-righteous ass among them) can continue to be herded to work like cattle tomorrow morning.

But before we go back to our regularly scheduled programming, I'd just like to relay a conversation held between myself and CoCo on Friday afternoon on a downtown patio, which I think gets to the root of my "put people outside of their comfort zone, and something good might happen" argument...

JohnnyM: "So, if there's a strike on Monday, how are you going to get to work?"
CoCo: "I'll just walk. You?"
JohnnyM: "I think I'm going to run in."
CoCo: "But won't you be all sweaty?"
JohnnyM: "Yeah, but I can shower at the gym."
CoCo: "Hey - that's a great idea...I think I'll do the same. Actually, regardless of if there's a strike, I might just start doing that."
JohnnyM: "There it is."
CoCo: "You're really hot. Let's make out."*
JohnnyM: "Holy shit, you're so gay."*

* I may have taken some 'artistic license' with this portion of the conversation. But I'm pretty certain CoCo is gay. And I don't mean happy. We're talking rainbows.

WTF Volume 4: Calgary

2008-04-19T23:29:00.014-04:00

Welcome to the fourth installment of JTC Inc.'s "WTF" series, where we highlight things that make us say "What the fuck?". This edition deals with Alberta's largest city, Calgary: gateway to the west. And by "the west", we mean "rampant crack smoking".

The ludicrously short Calgary (nee Husky) Tower

WTF Factor: Head recoil with eyeroll

Usually the narrow form factor of a tower is used to achieve greater heights than surrounding buildings of standard design, but not in the case of this embarrassingly short edifice from which the Husky company quickly disassociated itself. In a contest of phallic symbols, The CN Tower makes this look like a nipple.

Trailer Park Tuxedoes

WTF Factor: Cringe with groan

Jeans. Jean shirt. Jean Jacket. This class outfit is a Calgarian staple, even in the business district. With every second person around me consistently draped in denim, I felt out of place in an actual suit.

The Idiotic Street/Avenue/Quadrant System

WTF Factor: Clenched "I'll get you!" fist shake

Albertan Urban Planners must be smoking B.C. bud, because they decided to combine the 'avenue/street' cross-hatch city plan with the 'ne/se/sw/ne quadrant' plan. The resultant layout means not only does each avenue intersect itself (ie. 9th and 9th), but there are two of each intersection (ie. two 9th & 9th's). Perfect for the hammered out-of-towner trying to give directions to a cab driver.

Plus 15

WTF Factor: Gestures suggesting masturbation

Instead of being a real city and burrowing beneath the earth, the city decided to escape Old Man Winter's chilly spank by building walkways "Plus 15" feet above ground. Welcome to Calgary: Despite bathing in oil, we're still lame and cheap.

The Number of Transient Crack Smokers

WTF Factor: Turned-up-the-wrong-street regretful frown

Actually, although there were a lot of crack smokers, what was weirder was the number of addicts on the streets generally. The fun part is seeing who can get the least number of needles stabbed in their arm while running by the Cecil Hotel.

The Red "Mile"

WTF Factor: Both palms facing upwards

The fact that a few Flames' supporters bars are within a three-block length in a four-kilometer strip-mall called 17th Avenue is great, but Calgarian's belief that these these bars cover a "mile" might explain the Calgary Tower's height.

JTC Inc. would like to extend our deepest apologies and sympathies to Calgarians; Apologies, for the above scathing commentary about your municipality, and sympathies, because your city really, really sucks.

On behalf of the entire crew, thanks for flying JTC Inc.

2008-04-14T21:35:00.046-04:00

In the midst of loathing air travel during a recent excursion, I noticed how the whole flight safety routine with the flight crew sherades et al is little silly. There's no need to point out the only four possible exits from the hermetically sealed vessel that passengers will be riding at 30,000 feet above the earth: trust me, I'm pretty sure we know exactly where the door is in the event of an emergency, and have probably already sussed out the old ladies and children we'll need to trample to get there.

That said, the useless pointing routine could be used to alleviate the doldrums on the plane between the "sit down with your seatbelt on" time and the "get up and have sex with a stewardess in the bathroom" time; They could do a fulsome job of pointing out the insanely obvious and add the following to the routine:

"There are two exits at the front, two at the rear" *point at two exits at front, and two in rear - don't forget to blow out your guns after using them to point*

"Food goes here" *point at passenger's mouths*

"Pants go here" *point at passenger's leg/crotch areas*

"This is going to be huge!" *point at own crotch*

"Motherfucking snakes!" *point at motherfucking plane*

I think you get the idea - it could be a lot more exciting.

What doesn't need spicing up, however, is the fold out safety pamphlet geared towards those who slept through the safety procedures at takeoff and need a quick refresher as the plane dives into a tailspin. It's fucking hilarious. For instance, the pamphlet shows that during an emergency, the following will occur:

Business women will fire dashed lines out of their eyes down at helpless souls on the earth's surface:

fdas

Despite the prospect of crashing into land or water, passengers will be as enthralled as my first year archeology class (check out bearded dude just staring at the ceiling):

sdf

fds
And more interestingly, there will be unnecessarily hot women suggestively inflating their vests:

sdadfd

If this is what really goes on, I very much look forward to my next emergency, in particular, having my vest inflated. As a final thought, if you take anything away from this article, please remember to adjust your own motherfucking snake before adjusting the motherfucking snake of a child.

J-Lo's Miracle Weight Loss Plan

2008-04-13T19:00:00.005-04:00

I was walking past a magazine stand on Friday, when a headline caught my eye - it was something along the lines of "J-Lo Loses 40 lbs With Miracle Weight Loss Plan!"

Now - unlike CoCo - I'm not much of a celebrity gossip hound, but didn't J-Lo just have twins? Wouldn't extricating two small humans from your abdomen certainly help with your "miracle weight loss plan"?

We here at JTC have a bit of an engineering / process background, as evidenced by our well-documented love of flow charts. In order to help those who may be wishing to employ the J-Lo miracle, I quickly put together the following:

The beauty of this is that it DOESN'T MATTER how many children you may be carrying - triplets? quintuplets? - it STILL WORKS. You just keep on removing them, until you reach your WEIGHT LOSS GOAL.

You're welcome,

JohnnyM

P.S. I saw Doug Gilmour in the Loblaws at Laird and Millwood this afternoon, and almost shit my pants, I was so excited. I guess that could be another weight loss plan...

Watch Out!

2008-04-11T06:20:00.009-04:00

We here at JTC are huge fans of watches. And no, I'm not talking about Swiss time keeping pieces (although we are a big fan of both the Swiss and their currency) - I'm talking about when something is considered so "news-worthy" that it gets it's own "watch" on the evening news. As luck would have it, these watches usually come packaged with their own graphics and theme music.

I know you've all seen these - if you troll around the net long enough, it's not difficult to find all sorts of this shit, be it a "Storm Watch", "Hurricane Watch", "Disease Watch", "Gas Watch", "Stock Watch", "Britney Watch", or what have you.

However, what we really love - and what seems to grip our beloved city of Toronto every few years - is the threat of a public transit strike by the Toronto Transit Commission. Who can forget the fantastic Wildcat Strike of '06 when we all found out how important wild felines are to the smooth operation of our transit infrstructure? Shit - we loved it so much that we here at JTC came up with our own graphic for that one.

Well, with another TTC strike appearing imminent, our fear-mongering friends at CityTV ("How simple household items CAN KILL YOUR CHILDREN! Coming up, after sports and weather") have come up with a fresh, updated strike watch graphic

I can't wait to see what happens. Truth be told - even though two thirds of the JTC Board of Directors rely on the TTC to get to our...uh....real jobs - I wouldn't mind if there was a strike. I enjoy seeing people being put out of their comfort zones and realizing that maybe walking/biking to work wouldn't kill them. Also, I'm a big fan of general civil unrest. Throw in an Olympic Torch protest with a TTC strike, and I might just be in heaven, comrades.

WTF, Volume 3: Las Vegas

2008-04-02T18:01:00.013-04:00

Following Coco's lead, the following is a list of things that made me say, "What the fuck?" when I recently travelling to the charming village of Las Vegas, Nevada:

Jaw-Dropping Obesity
WTF Factor: Loss of Appetite
Seriously - this kinda grossed me out. I noticed on the plane when we were flying there, that there appeared to be a few more...uh...COS's (Customers of Size) than on most flights I've been on, but I frankly wasn't prepared for the amount of sub-cutaneous fat that I got to observe. How did these people walk around with all that weight? Well...some of them didn't...

Why Walk When You Can Ride?

WTF Factor: Pursed Lips
Never have I seen so many people riding on those little scooters in my life. I think the "water-shed" moment for me though was when I saw two scooters "parked" beside the buffet at the Rio.

That Dude That Gave Me The Finger
WTF Factor: Bemused Smile and Wave
One night, me and the CHP were standing on a corner outside the Bellagio. A taxi came around the corner, and the dude who was riding shotgun, leaned out the window and gave us the finger. There was no one else around - it was clearly directed at us. The following conversation ensued:

CHP: "That was nice."
JohnnyM: "I'm sure he had his reasons."

REAL Whoring
WTF Factor: Disbelieving Stare
While there's been some recent discussions of our own whoring activities here at JTC, I wasn't prepared for the open nature of the REAL whoring in Vegas. Trucks went down the strip, guys wore t-shirts with phone numbers while handing out ads, and every 10 feet there were boxes with pamphlets in them, all offering "girls to your room!"

Not my bag, peeps...but if it's yours - stay safe.

Bringing Children To "Sin City"

WTF Factor: Head Shake
Why? Seriously: why?

WTF, Volume 2: JTC Inc. Blog Comments

2008-03-31T18:28:00.006-04:00

A comment on the previous post:

Anonymous' Comment

WTF Factor: Wanker
I'll plead guilty to whoring for blog traffic on SWPL, but not to vaginal irrigation, and if you're one of the millions of people who hate spam, you could help the cause by not making "anonymous" comments on blogs. Muppet.

WTF, Volume 1: Toronto

2008-03-30T17:17:00.018-04:00

The following is a short list of things about the city I call home that keep me asking "what the fuck?":

The Cost of a Large Beer at a Leaf’s Game

WTF Factor: High
Increasing at about 100 times the rate of inflation, this season a large was $13.50. I guess they felt they were just giving it away when they charged $11 a couple of years ago.

People who say “Spah-Deen-Ah”

WTF Factor: Moderate
It’s “Spah-Dine-Ah”, you fucking muppets.

The fact that the TTC built a Sheppard Subway Line

WTF Factor: Cocked Eyebrow
Mel Lastman’s ‘Ikea Express’ is breathtakingly stupid: Check out Leslie station, conveniently located on a 6-lane suburban corridor with barren sidewalks.

The Flagrant Gentrification of Queen West

WTF Factor: Head Shaking
The “Bohemian Embassy”? Really?!

The Uselessness of Yonge/Dundas Square

WTF Factor: Eye Rolling
A paved, bleak square surrounded with offensively large advertisements and big box stores. It’s really urban planning at it’s best.

The Amount of Roasted Corn Consumed at Toronto’s “Taste of” Festivals

WTF Factor: Stink Face
People who probably never eat roasted corn will line up forever for a butter-soaked cob at these street parties. I think it’s really fucking weird.

By-law 522-78

WTF Factor: Mild
This is why little kids in Toronto grow up wanting to overthrow the government.

David Zancai, a.k.a. “Zanta”

WTF Factor: Honey Garlic
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Couple of quick items

2008-03-28T19:53:00.003-04:00

Here are two things I thought you would all (both?) love to know:

1) File this one under 'full disclosure': For those of you who were over at our house last Thursday night, I have an admission - as is rapidly becoming a habit on Thursdays, I was going commando for a good portion of the evening. When I got changed after my cycling workout earlier in the evening, I realized that I didn't have any underwear with me, so it was...uh...just me and my jeans, if you know what I'm sayin'. Don't worry though - I eventually got changed after about an hour or so of coming home.

2) Similar to CoCo's well-documented issues in the bathroom, I tend to run into odd situations in change rooms. While I don't believe I've ever written a blog post about these, I'd just like to comment that one of my favourites was the time when I saw a dude blow-drying his pubes at the gym. Anyhoo, last Saturday I enjoyed quite the spectacle at a local community centre. Following a swim, there was an older Asian gentleman in the showers with me. (Well - not with me...he was sort of beside me...oh, whatever.) This guy appeared to be showering prior to entering the pool area. Suddenly, without warning and with the water still running over him, he dropped down to the floor and started doing push-ups in the shower. It was fucking odd, let me tell you.

Degrading Discounts

2008-03-27T21:08:00.006-04:00

Ah, tiered fares - the first world's caste system! If you think they were born out of stiff competition in the airline industry (where airlines pass on savings to customers who forego frills), you're dead wrong. Dead wrong. It's actually a group of sadistic marketing sonofabitches making up the restrictions, hoping to humiliate passengers. Don't believe me? Here's a couple of recent examples:

1. My recently purchased 'Economy Supersaver' ticket on BMI restricts me from being able to select a seat, even at check in. I don’t even know what the fuck this means. Do I just show up and look for an empty seat like I’m at the movies? Are there going to be assholes who put their bags on empty seats like in the subway? How does this save BMI money? Oh right, it doesn't - it's just another random inconvenience for me, the cheap-ass passenger.

2. Similarly, a friend flew Southwest on their “Wanna Get Away” fare. Apparently, “Wanna Get Away” means “I’m poor and would like to be treated that way”, because what ensued was staged boarding at the gate, with the stages not being defined by the usual “old people and babies followed by row number” fashion, but instead, by “fare class”. So essentially, there was no assigned seating, and they let the passengers on in order relative to how much they paid. When my friend finally got on, he and his wife were about 20 rows apart. Humiliated? You bet!

If any of you sadist marketers are reading this (and given our absolutely massive readership, that’s more a certainty than a probability), I’d like to suggest other things me and my fellow cheap ass passengers are willing to do to save our hard-earned and tightly-held travel dollars.

Instead of a seat, I’ll sit on a stool in the galley in the back. Or I'll just stand. If you want, in between movies, I’ll make your full-fare-paying customers feel great by walking up and down the aisles yelling “Hey people! I’m sitting on an uncomfortable stool in the back of the plane because I paid less than you! You're getting value for your money, dammit!”. Alternatively, I could sit in a corner near the washroom with a dunce cap that says "discount fare". Or, I could forego use of the bathroom. If it’s an overseas flight, I’ll wear a fucking catheter if I have to. If necessary, your stewardesses can tell the other customers why I’m wearing a catheter. I’ll also offer to show them the catheter while discussing my thrift and smaller annual income.

Anything you want guys! Lets work together to make air travel accessible, and embarrassing, for all.

Stuff JohnnyM Likes

2008-03-21T18:32:00.006-04:00

Most (both?) of you are probably aware of the hilarious blog "Stuff White People Like". Despite the fact that this blog has only been in existence since January of this year, it is extremely popular, registering almost 16 million hits, with upwards of 600 comments on each post.

By comparison, our blog has been around for over 2 years, has only been viewed 5,000 times, and frequently our posts generate zero comments.

In an article published in the Toronto Star on Thursday, one of the creators of the Stuff White People Like blog states, "There was no grand plan. We'd done comedy blogs just for a few friends. We expected maybe 10 people on this one. But then it went completely viral."

If there's one thing in this world that I like, it's someone who has a very similar idea to me, only he executes that idea much, much better. Much better.

Because we like to put the "who" in "whoring", my buddy Coco the Monkey decided to put a link to the JTC blog into a comment on the Stuff White People Like blog on Wednesday of this week. The results speak for themselves - here's a chart of traffic on our blog for the past month:

Stuff white people like appears to include "blindly clicking on links".

Destination of the week: Peru

2008-03-19T21:41:00.003-04:00

I’ve recently returned from a short sojourn to this country of ancient cultures and rich colonial tradition, and thought I’d share a couple of observations from my visit.

Observation: There are a lot of tourists in Peru who deserve to be robbed

While trips to Europe and North America offer the opportunity to observe robotic tourists ricocheting between sights via turn-by-turn guidebook instructions, Peru offers the chance to see the same short-panted, long-socked globe trotters out of their first-world comfort zone.

For your enjoyment, there is an endless supply of breathtaking stupidity on display in this country, where despite an environment of extreme poverty, violent political instability and rampant police corruption, there are visitors who look like they were just teleported from the Epcot Center. Some of the most notable sights included:

I saw one genius take out what looked to be approximately three months worth of an average Peruvian's wages out of an ATM, and then turn away from the machine to count it in plain sight of nearby hawkers. He stepped on bills he dropped to stop the wind from taking them away before proceeding to stuff the whole crumpled wad into the back of his trousers, making a veritable pickpocket’s piñata out of his ass.
I watched a tourist stop in the middle of a crowded market, blocking the thoroughfare for a picture. He then held his camera outstretched with one hand, only to see it promptly removed from his grip by a run-by thief. Seeing him stand there in shock and without reaction, I felt like going over to pants him, just to complete his moment.

Observation: Peruvian canines are easily aroused

I'm a big fan of canines, and my heartstrings are particularly well plucked by the malnourished and often injured street dogs in Central and South America. Despite the oily, flea-infested coats, I can’t resist petting those that come up to me, or sharing a bit a food. This personal protocol has now been abuptly cancelled.

As my co-habitational partner proceeded to pet the slimy head of one of these dogs in Peru, the back end of the animal began to bow inwards, a common sight I’ve seen with my own pup before she lays a deuce. However, I recommended we step away, and for good reason, as it was becoming clear this was not your typical number-two action. Apparently the light petting was received as heavy petting, and the dog dry-humped what must have been the air-guitar version of his fantasy bitch, finishing the event by ejaculating all over the pavement. It was a glorious, glorious sight.

The little boys (and old ladies) room

2008-02-23T12:53:00.002-05:00

If you’ve been keeping up with the blog (and I’m not entirely sure that phrase addresses anyone at all), you know I keep witnessing what I consider to be seriously abnormal activity in bathrooms. I have yet another tale of the toilet.

At the conclusion of yesterday’s weekly round of golden tee with the Board, I went off the bathroom. At this particular pub there are adequate facilities and therefore never usually any wait time, so when I passed through the door into the bathroom I was surprised to be presented with a lineup a few gents deep.

Curious as to what the holdup was all about, I prairie-dogged on tip-toes over the shoulders of my fellow full-bladdered drinkers to have a look at the situation. There was a urinal empty. I automatically assumed the nancy first in line was caught-up with having to pee right beside someone else, and began to by-pass the lineup with a frown, visibly showing my disgust with the excess urinal capacity. However, when I was about to pass the first gent, I noticed his face looking at me bore not the digust of being budded, but carried an expression of curiosity, wondering what the hell I was doing. That’s when I realized what the lineup was for. We were waiting for an elderly woman to finish with one of the urinals and pull up her knickers from around her ankles.

In the first microsecond prior to my realizing the entire scene, I just assumed it was a drunk urinating man who decided to fly his flabby halves, which is somewhat taboo in male urinary culture but not completely unusual. However, I saw half of the face and realized what we were dealing with.

Let me fill out the visual and answer what is undoubtedly your second question: How the hell is a woman using a urinal? Well, I guess theoretically there would be two ways. This old lady did not have the stamina nor the musculature required to hold a position that would “back it in” and make her delivery. Instead, she can only do what I would describe as “The Fonz” slouch (sans thumbs up, of course), where the pelvis is held at an angle sufficient for… well that’s probably enough to explain it.

By the time I had sussed up this whole scene, my bladder was getting the best of me. Being twenty percent of the way to deciding to pee in the urinal beside her, I was relieved of that potentially life-changing experience by a stall door, ajar and advertising it’s vacancy. I ran, turning the lock more for security rather than privacy.

When I came out the miscreant was washing her hands. At this point the line had dissipated and the urinals were once again at full capacity, but this time with customers for which they were designed. New arrivals to the bathroom saw the old lady washing her hands, but went about their business without any visible shock. It’s a funny thing that when a woman enters a men’s bathroom and makes herself at home, nobody minds. In fact in long lineups at concerts, etc, men are often jeering a hardy “Come on in!” to the ladies who are in dire straights and looking to come to the other side. In contrast, if a man enters a woman’s bathroom, I’m pretty sure the result would be anywhere from being called a pervert through to being arrested.

To conclude, while my bathroom experiences are leading to several posts, which is always a good thing, I really fucking hope this kind of thing stops happening to me.

Why I Went Commando At Work On Thursday

2008-02-23T09:01:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like not wearing underwear? Me neither, but on Thursday I didn't really have a choice. You see, on certain days before work I go swimming. I then leave straight from the pool and head to work. As people that know me can attest, I'm all about the efficiency, so on my way to the pool, I usually wear my bathing suit under my pants, and bring along a pair of undies for after my swim. And on Thursday I forgot them.

The sinking feeling I felt when I was looking through my bag, and realized that it was devoid of undergarments was quite strong. The decision to then just pull my pants on was quite the leap. I considered going home to get some undies, but then remembered that going back home wasn't particularly efficient, and as mentioned above - I'm all about the efficiency. I briefly considered purchasing new underwear when I got downtown, but then remembered that I'm a cheap bastard - why buy new underwear when you have perfectly good underwear at home?

So - I spent the whole day with my pants rubbing directly against my "bits". It felt kind of weird. And also led me to maniacally check my fly every 20 seconds, regardless of if I'd recently gone to the bathroom or not.

As if that wasn't enough, here's something else that happened on Thursday... My desk at work is very close to a small kitchen area that includes a water cooler. I heard a bit of a ruckus over in that area, and it turned out that the water cooler was leaking all over the floor. There was a guy and a girl there, and they seemed to have everything in order. Let's see what happens next:

Random Guy: "Hey John, could you come and give us a hand with this?"
John: (not wanting to help in the slightest) "Uh...sure...hang on." (gets up; checks fly)
RG: "Can you pull the water jug off the top of the cooler? It's leaking. I'd do it myself, but I have a bad back."
J: (extremely doubtful of the bad back story; looking forward to soaking pants that don't have underwear underneath them) "Sure." (JohnnyM lifts off leaking water jug, and places it on kitchen counter. And then checks his fly.)
RG: "Thanks. I'm not sure when it started leaking. It wasn't leaking when I put the jug in there an hour ago."
J: "Wait a fucking second. You didn't have a bad back an hour ago when you put the jug on the cooler, but now when it's leaking all over the place you do? You're such an asshole."* (checks his fly)

In summary:
- don't forget to wear underwear
- don't help people who are assholes

* I didn't actually say this. But boy, did I want to.

Me and The Big Swede

2008-02-23T08:22:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since there's been a new post - our apologies for the delay. One of the problems is that our actual (non-JTC) jobs seem to be keeping us all fairly busy these days. Slavery, I tell you. Anyhoo - I was at the Leafs game this week, and I knew that you'd all (both?) want my thoughts on that.

Me and the CHP headed down to the Air Canada Centre to watch the Leafs ACTUALLY WIN. I was stunned to say the least. There were a couple of other things of note to mention. First off - if you can afford to go to a Leafs game (even in the "cheap" seats, where I am) I think you can also afford to do laundry. Especially if you've urinated on yourself. There was someone sitting very close to us who appeared to be caught up in the "afford Leafs ticket / can't afford to wash urine-soaked clothing" paradox. Hmmmm...

The other thing I wanted to mention were peoples' Leafs jerseys. I always enjoy the sheer idiocy some people show when buying jerseys, and slapping names on the back. For starters, at least let someone play for a season and make sure they don't shit the bed completely before getting their jersey! I was stunned by how many Andrew Raycroft jerseys I saw...the guy's Goals Against Average (GAA) is over 4! As CoCo helpfully e-mailed to me during the game, that ranks 79th out of 81 goalies in the NHL. Holy shit.

Putting your own name on the back of a Leafs jersey is just sad. However, worse than that is putting some bizarre nickname on the back. I keep seeing this dude downtown before games in a Sundin jersey with "THE BIG SWEDE" across the back. That got me thinking during the game on Tuesday about other horrendous things to put on jerseys. How about these player / nickname combos:

Bryan McCabe: "THE BIG CONTRACT" (He's getting about $6MM / year to score OT winners. On his own fucking net.)
Andrew Raycroft: "4.07" (That would be his GAA. You may think it would be hard to keep this up to date, but is Raycroft really going to play again this year?)
Jiri Tlusty: "NAKED CELL PHONE GUY" (He's...uh....that naked cell phone guy - don't worry the link is to the CBC)

Unreal Estate

2008-02-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

A friend from out of town is considering moving to Toronto and buying a house. He’s looking mainly in the downtown core, known as the “C01” area on MLS, a property listing service that is largely monopolized by the most intelligent and professional business people in the world: Real Estate Agents.

I took a look through the listings on his behalf, and even more shocking than the fact that you can barely get anything for under $400K these days is the hilarious captions these Devry-graduates put up on the ads to lure potential buyers. Some of their best strategies for these comments seem to be as follows:

List the extras! Really, this is Real Estate 101. If the house has a circuit breaker, make sure you put that on the ad. If you don’t take this key step, buyers who are specifically looking for houses with circuit breakers may scroll right over your property! It’s all about using the circuit breaker to get them to the property, and then using the rest of the home’s luxury features, like pipes, a roof and walls, to close the deal once they are through the door.
Remember that your potential buyers are making one of the most important financial decisions of their lives, and as a result, they need your professional guidance. Tell them to “see with their own imagination” what is really for sale. Help them imagine themselves owning the property – what would they do with it? As a trusted professional, you could suggest they could “live in it, or use it as a rental”. This will open up a whole world of possibilities they probably hadn’t thought of.
Focus on the positive. Cunningly turn the home's crack-house status into a selling feature, and the offers will come pouring in. If the property you are trying to sell is really only suitable for the raccoons and rodents that currently inhabit it, advertise it as a “Contractor’s Delight!”. “Renovator’s Dream” is also widely used in this regard. This one is just common sense.
Build a vision. It’s all about making the buyer imagine what their life will be like in this new property, and making that vision a desirable one. For instance, if it’s a Victorian house you’re selling, have them imagine a “Victorian Lifestyle!”. What could be more attractive to a buyer than imagining that buying your property will throw them 150 years back in time, at the height of the British Industrial Revolution. Hell, I’d like to put an offer in right now.
Make sure you comment on the valuable upgrades your client has made to the property. “New Paint” should not be overlooked, and can help justify why you have listed for $698,900, and not $698,850.

Two Years On The Fake Corporate Calendar

2008-02-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

As many of you have noticed*, I was away this year in late December, and wasn’t able to make my traditional “anniversary post”, where I summarize the year that was for JTC, and list my favourite e-mail sign-offs. Looking back at last year’s anniversary post, I see that we’ve increased our output from a paltry 1,838 e-mails to each other in 2006, to an astounding 4,066 e-mails in 2007. Using last year’s estimate of 250 “working” days a year, we’ve shattered our target of 10 e-mails a day, actually exceeding 16 e-mails a day (holy shit!).

As mentioned, I took it upon myself to read through all 4,066 e-mails, and come up with my list of favourite e-mail sign-offs….here they are, all 136 of them in glorious chronological order. Enjoy:

Totally professional,
No legal precedent for fucking yourself,
Lawlessly smoking at entrances,
Take your skirt off,
"Effectiveness" is my middle name,
Stymied,
Maybe you got it by being so damned promiscuous,
Fecal contamination,
I hate you,
Enraged and Disgruntled,
Bra burners,
Try to guess the number of beers John will drink this week,
Match made in hell,
He's your friend,
The financial district is a ghetto,
Since I’ll be down there, I’ll go ahead and take care of the cockroach problem,
Sensitivity training,
Pursed lips,
Zero tolerance,
A 5 day work week? Slavery,
Not a JTC team player,
Not my friend,
He's your acquaintance,
Dead gringos,
Jetpacks,
Great use of ‘fucking baboon’,
Your cat smells,
I sneeze every time I smell “your cat”,
I tried to pet ‘your cat’ and it farted,
Starts with an "h", ends with a "e", and in the middle is "ypocrit",
Shalom, I’d like a loan,
Shit the bed,
They're the ones writing it off,
IT band,
Hoochin',
How does that taste,
Toasting your birth,
Getting older, not smarter,
Horny for a 'reverse danforth',
Better prepare your leather pants for a face imprint,
Just kidding about the gay stopping thing,
Don't mess with JTC,
Out of ideas after thinking for 0 seconds,
Just thinking of our readers (us),
You guys want to go to the GAP?,
Burning, just like urination,
Insanely inappropriate,
You're stale,
Where the hell is that updated policy register,
No comment on pussy’s nightwear? Bullshit,
“Gay roots”,
Epidural anyone?,
You’re too old for this,
I six sigma’ed it up her,
Just answer the question,
Attention Ladies: I watch Grey’s Anatomy,
“Latent Homosexual Tendencies”,
Anticipating the "P.S. I hate you" email response,
My palette is ruined,
Your an idiot,
“Allegations of polygamy”,
He networked it up her,
Slut for alcohol,
Urban sprawlers,
You are aware I took the smaller office,
Welcome to your Carlsberg years,
Don’t forget the fucking notebook,
‘Tee Whore,
The world revolves around you,
And by ‘real work’, I mean ‘JTC work’,
There’s gotta be something funny to write about amidst the tragedy of a wedding,
I might be trash too,
She’s also incontinent,
GFY, China; Our kids can out produce yours,
Sex with men? Not as gay,
That's Billion with a "B",
Flagrant use of ‘whore’,
Thank god I put on my Himalayan walkers,
Spite,
I mean, COME ON!
Gold diapers,
Drunk with power,
You have the full support of the board,
Where is my fucking parachute,
Wanting to leave and drink heavily, but instead I know I'll be working 'til 10pm for no fucking reason,
“Breastmilk White Russian”,
I’m suing you for laziness,
My life doesn’t revolve around your beer needs, all the time,
Get some help,
Looking forward to putting a smoke in my mouth, just so you can slap it out,
I can’t write all these fucking jokey emails all at once,
They should have their own schools,
Swearing = fun,
How about a big cup of what the fuck,
My hat, my hat, my lovely lady hat. Check it out,
Pre-emptive GFY,
Yes, I am a scientist,
Jew,
Crossing the blue line before the puck,
I can smell it on your breath,
Shrewdness of Apes,
TTC’s new motto: “Don’t like our service? Go ahead and use our competitors… OH BURN!”
Defer all over your face,
Financial Armageddon,
Niagara falls all over your face,
I went ahead and fixed the glitch,
I wanna make every woman I see,
I wear women's pants,
We are such girls,
Drinking right now,
Ya ya ya yya ya yya ya chit chit yaow,
I used them as toilet paper,
Night time lady caller,
See you in hell,
I thought we were going for a steam,
Picturing us doing the robot moves when the strobe is off while saying “Juxtapose!”,
Maybe this time I’ll stop masturbating,
I like the way you work it, no diggity, I got to bag it up,
I’m not gay you sons of bitches,
We’re not men,
Treat me like an object,
Clusterfuck,
Surprised you are not on the floor sweating and twitching,
You decide asshole,
While I’m not sexist per se, I do appreciate hilarious sexist jokes,
Dumbest idea ever,
Engage number 1 *point finger*,
Clap, clap… clap clap clap,
Your team? Monkeys,
Ambiguity – they say it has less fat, but you eat more of it,
In a virtual golfing slump,
Following by example is much easier,
10 letter word for wireless email device,
This better not affect JTC Board Meetings,
We should hire talented people – that would diversify our department,
I hope she doesn’t stay in touch,

* No one noticed

People Who Don't Speak English Very Well Are Funny Volume 2

2008-02-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

As previously discussed, those in this world that do not have a masterful control of the English language sure are funny. As luck would have it, one of our fans* sent us an agenda from a conference being held in China, where similar issues seem to prevail. Check it out:

07:00-08:00 Breakfast
08:00-08:15 Move from Hotel to Qinshan Phase III
08:30-12:00 Intercourse
12:00-12:45 Lunch
13:00-16:30 Intercourse
16:45 Return to Hotel

Now, I don't know about you, but when I read this, a few thoughts came to mind:

1) An hour for breakfast? A fucking hour? Have you been to a conference before? There would be, like, 5 minutes of eating and 55 minutes of awkward small talk. That's why you show up to the breakfast at about 7:50...eat some food, pretend to be interested in whatever inane shit the person sitting beside you has to say, and move straight to the...uh...intercourse.
2) Is Qinshan Phase III as good as Phase II? Because after Phase II, I remember thinking, "There is no way they are going to able to improve on that!" Oh, Qinshan - you've probably proven me wrong, again...
3) Shouldn't we be having intercourse at the hotel? Why are we leaving the hotel for the intercourse?

The bottom line is this - any conference that features 7 hours of intercourse a day is something that we here at JTC can fully endorse.

Secret: I'm kinda drunk,
JohnnyM

*We have no fans.

e-Morons: 10th edition

2008-02-01T13:59:00.001-05:00

It's been well over a year since we've posted any eMorons, so what the hell:

People Who Don't Speak English Very Well Are Funny

2008-01-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

On my recent sojurn to the beautiful country of Nepal, I picked up a bit of a sore throat. When I headed down to the "pharmacy", I found their selection of throat lozenges rather limited, and purchased the only ones they had, the internationally renowned "Matsils Lozenges".

There was some funny shit on that box, let me tell you. On the front, it exclaimed, "Reveal and help to refresh mouth and tongue in new taste." And on the back, the box informed me, "Everyone will experience its unique taste and flavour." That's just great stuff.

Can you believe that I was able to find a picture of the *exact* box on the net? God bless the internet, that's what I say.

The lozenges are made by the benign sounding "Millat Chemical Co. Ltd.", and they have what can only be described as one hell of a website.

The Unusual Suspects

2008-01-22T14:12:00.000-05:00

After having several odd experiences in the company water closet, I’ve developed a list of questions/comments I’m thinking of posing to several repeat characters I keep running into:

Guy who stores his copy of the paper on the back of the tankless toilet
I guess storing your reading material in the stall, open so you can return to the page you didn’t quite finish reading, indicates that you are not only an avid news reader, but are also a repeat customer during your workday and therefore likely have a diet that’s high in fiber – good for you. However, I might note that while your gastrointestinal health is currently strong, it may not be for long if you continue to store the materials you read with bare hands only inches from where at least a dozen other people place their bare ass and defecate.

Guy who doesn’t work in my building but uses my washroom
Ok, having run into you in the bathroom, near the elevators, on the main floor and even having seen you crossing the street, I know for a fact that you don’t work in my building, but you repeatedly come to my building, and my specific floor for Christ sakes, just to relieve yourself. I’ve heard of people visiting other floors to drop their stink bomb anonymously among strangers, but to go all the way to another building shows you hold a particularly strong sanctity in the buffer zone. However, I notice sometimes you even come to urinate. Why do you need a buffer zone for that? I mean, come on, on weekends I typically I do that right out on the street. Also, what attracted you to my floor in particular, the 3rd floor of a 32-storey building, where there are many other easily accessible bathrooms? I’m assuming you know your bathrooms and we’ve got a particularly good setup here or something. Or perhaps you don’t work in that other building either, and are just compulsively visiting various washrooms in office buildings throughout the financial district.

Guy who urinates while reading the newspaper
Really? How big is your bladder that you need entertainment while standing at a urinal? Are you even getting through the opening paragraph of the story you are reading? And what does it do for your aim when your body is contorted, twisted away from the wall so you can hold your folded broadsheet in view? Also, you keep walking away with your fly wide open while I’m still going, so I have yet to see if you actually put down the newspaper to wash and zip up. Maybe you don’t even put it down at all. Perhaps your entire life is one-handed, and you cook, eat, do push ups, drive a car and masturbate all while holding a copy of the day’s Globe in the other hand. If that’s the case, my respect, for you are a dexterous and well-informed individual.

Yesterday? Yesterday was not a good day

2008-01-20T07:39:00.000-05:00

First off - close to three months without a post? Me and my fellow board members are filthy, useless bastards.

Now - I want to tell you a story about how much yesterday sucked for me. I'm not whining here - I simply want to inform you about how impressed I was by how horrendous it was. It started off with brunch...while I was eating, I wasn't feeling too good, but I felt it would pass. Because I've been out of the country for a month, I then went to go and pick up my car, from the home of our JTC stenographer who had thoughtfully allowed me to park it there while I was away. (This is a little off-topic, but I can't help but think that we should have picked a stenographer that wasn't graphophobic - it really affects her work.) It should also be noted that because of my time away, my sleep patterns are pretty screwed up right now, and I felt really jet-lagged.

The car took a while to start, but eventually I was on my way. Still not feeling well, my CHP suggested that we stop in at the swanky shopping mall of Bayview Village. After taking close to 20 minutes to find a parking spot, as I parked, the car died, and wouldn't start. Awesome. Owing to the pressure in my lower intestine, I quickly went down to the mall to find a bathroom, where I promptly began peeing out of my ass.

To summarize:
- jet-lagged.
- feeling like shit.
- car won't start.
- peeing out of my ass in a mall bathroom.

HFS. Anyhoo, we eventually got the good people from CAA to come and help us out (although the first guy said it was our alternator, not our battery and called a tow truck....the tow truck guy proved it was the battery), and then I went and got a new car battery installed. It was a hell of a way to spend a Saturday, let me tell you.

It's good to be back,
JohnnyM

WTF Is Up With Adults And Halloween?

2007-10-31T16:45:00.000-04:00

You know - I don't mind Halloween. I really don't. I think it's fun for kids, and I enjoy eating all the candy leftovers. Hell - I even enjoy carving pumpkins, when you get right down to it. But what blows my fucking mind is when adults decide that they're going to get dressed up in costumes. It's just so goddamned weird.

But there are levels to this. I mean, I'd rather jam something in my eye than go to a Halloween party, but at least it's a party. When you show up looking like an idiot, you can just drink yourself into oblivion (and make yourself look like more of an idiot.) But what about the peeps who decide to wear costumes to WORK? Holy. Fucking. Shit.

On the subway this morning, I was standing across the platform from a dude, dressed like a pirate, reading a newspaper. What on earth is going through that guy's head when he's kissing the wife and kids goodbye and taking one last look in the mirror?
"Should have gone with the live parrot"?
"Wonder if I'm going to get that promotion"?
"Holy shit - I'm dressed like a pirate"?

It got more interesting once I got downtown. There were quite a few peeps who were in costumes. My favourite though is the people who I can't tell if they're dressed up or not. I mean - you're either walking around your workplace in a costume, or you can't dress yourself properly. Either way, I think it's likely time to take a good, long look in the mirror. Unless you're dressed like a pirate.

Arrrrrrrrrrrr....

More Band Names

2007-10-23T15:41:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since we've posted anything - sorry about that. What better way to get things going again, than some good, old-fashioned band names? Here you go:

“Just The People With Butlers!”
“MS Outlook Acumen”
"Hep A Booster"
"Breast Obsession"
"Lavender Jelly"
“David O's Homemade Treats”
"The Slums Of Calcutta"
"Literary Equivalent of Masturbation"
“The Obese Felines”
"Ditch The Kids"
“Sweet Booze”
“Yeast Infection Chicks”
“Fucking Fat Farm”
“Drunk Art Appreciation”
“Cakes and Crutches”

Anybody can write the music...it's the band name that's key.

Iraq Me, Dave Petraeus

2007-09-14T12:22:00.000-04:00

For anyone who though yesterday's post was a little nuts, I'll have you know it was good enough for the writer's at the Daily Show, who did the same thing in last night's show (the Amadeus take on "Iraq Me, Dave Petraeus" - produced and aired AFTER mine was published).

I was totally not smoking anything

2007-09-13T17:20:00.000-04:00

This weird day dream I had is inspired by the classic Simpson's musical, and the recent meeting of the Armed Services Committee of the United States Senate.

The part of 'apes' was played by the United States Senators, the 'lone female nurse ape' by Hilary Clinton, the part of 'Troy McClure' by America's ambassador to Iraq, Ryan Crocker, and the part of Dr. Zaius by General David Howell Petraeus of the United States Army, whom you might recognize from battles such as Operation Iraqi Freedom, Operation Restore Democracy and Operation Desert Spring.

Senators: Help us, we're spending $1 trillion and losing thousands of American lives to create a new al-Qaeda base in Iraq!
Crocker: Get your paws off me, you dirty apes.
Senators: [gasping] He can talk!

Senators: [in unison, rythmed] He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk

Crocker: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

[funky beat of "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing]

Clinton: Ooh, help me General Petreaus!
Senators: [in unison] General Petreaus, General Petreaus
General Petreaus, General Petreaus
General Petreaus, General Petreaus
Oh... General Petreaus

Crocker: What's wrong with me?
Petreaus: I think you're crazy.
Crocker: Want a second opinion.
Petreaus: You're also lazy.

Senators: [in unison] General Petreaus, General Petreaus
General Petreaus, General Petreaus
General Petreaus, General Petreaus

[one Senator starts breakdancing]

Oh... General Petreaus

Band Names, Volume II

2007-08-29T09:17:00.000-04:00

As previously reported, during the discourse of JTC board meetings and/or emails, a phrase is sometimes used that would qualify and someone comments “Hey, that would make a great band name!”. Again, if for purposes of record only, please find the following catalogue of band names since our last update:

Dogs and Trains
Shoot Up The Fucking Cat
Grinning and the Exposed Ankles
Proxy Recipient
Flight opportunity
Mama MFP
Junkie Cat
Breastmilk White Russian
The Milk Machine
Slut Dressing
Colon baggies
One Trick Pony
Thinly Veiled Sexual References
Women's Emergent Needs
Horny for Summerhill
No pillow fights, no operas
CASTLE FRANK IS NEXT!
Zese baby pools
Allegations of polygamy
Being Overly Ornery
Breaking Out The Ark
Stay For The Booze
Latent Homosexual Tendencies
Tee Freaks At The Y

The chronicle of the traveling pants

2007-08-27T09:11:00.000-04:00

The saga has come to an end, with Coco coming out on top and with a brand new pair of pants. I probably could've taken Gehan to task with the horrendous spelling in the last email, but I opted to end it quietly instead.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 4:35 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Ok you win! Can’t have you destroying the planet due to my liking for fine Canadian tailoring! The issue will be resolved today.

(please note that the banter is not of my usual high customer relations standards;-) )

Have yourself a lovely evening.

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Gehan Eriyagama
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 11:52 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: Laundry

Dear Mr Monkey,

Please firstly let me apologise for the inconvenience you have suffered regarding the wait for your pants. I can promise you this is not the service we usually offer to our guests. I am committed to resolving this situation as fast as possible. Could you please confirm some details with me to help speed up the process.

What colour were the pants?
What make were the pants?
Who collected the pants from your room?

Thank you for your assistance and patience Mr Monkey. I will endeavour to put a close to this matter ASAP.

Kind Regards Gehan

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 3:47 PM
To: Gehan Eriyagama
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Laundry

Dear Gehan,

I’ve come to realize that the subject garment is definitely not a pair of “pants”, per your regional dialect, but is rather a pair of ‘trousers’. They are a green colour – I’d put the shade somewhere in between “I can’t believe you lost my pants olive” and “I wonder how often you guys screw up like this forest”.

They are made by Banana Republic, which is a subsidiary of Gap Inc., not a Latin American country that is politically unstable, dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique.

Due to the urgency in which I needed the pantaloons returned, I was instructed to drop them off at the front desk in a hotel-provided garment bag (which might as well have been a body bag for trousers, evidently). I’m assuming they were put out with the trash.

After reading your questions, I’d rate myself as “concerned”, “frustrated”, and “ruggedly handsome”.

If the hotel doesn’t know where the trousers are, why would the hotel wait weeks to respond to my calls and emails? We were hoping the problem, ie. the owner of said trousers, would just go away?

I can assure you, Ms. Gehan, this is definitely not the case.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Gehan Eriyagama
Sent: Friday, August 24, 2007 6:54 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Cc: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Laundry

Hi Coco,

Unfortunately I can not find your trousers, I hold my hands up as we are at fault. I would like to pay for a replacement pair. Could you buy a new pair and either scan the receipt and email it to me or post it to me on the below address.

The Paramount Carlton Hotel
North Bridge
Edinburgh
Scotland
EH1 1 SD

If you pass your credit card details to me I will have the amount refunded to your card. Thanks Coco for your patients and understanding. I apologise for any inconvenience and will try and resolve this from my end as fast as possible,

Thanks again Gehan

Caught with my pants down

2007-08-21T21:27:00.000-04:00

As previously reported, The Carlton hotel in Edinburgh lost a valued pair of pants. My follow up activities with the hotel are getting interesting, so I thought I'd share my progress. Below is the thread to date, unedited (save names and email addresses). I've put the thread in chronological order. More updates will be posted as they become available.

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2007 5:30 PM
To: 'Carlton Reservations'
Cc: 'stay@paramount-hotels.co.uk'
Subject: Missing Laundry
Importance: High

To Whom It May Concern:

I stayed at the Paramount Carlton in Edinburgh for the nights of July 30th and 31st (room 235). I put a pair of pants in the laundry service on arrival, and found the next day that they had not come back from the service and I wouldn't have them before flying out of Edinburgh on the 1st. I was not happy with this given I called the front desk multiple times on the 31st to confirm they were going to be back in time. I was told they would be sent by mail.

I called last Friday having still not received the pants here in Canada. I was told they did not know if they had been posted, but that they would call housekeeping and call me back by Monday. I did not hear anything.

I am not willing to spend more money on transatlantic calls to collect on a pair of pants. Can you please get the appropriate people to figure this out in short order and give me a status and expected arrival. I'm not pleased with how this situation has been handled to date.

I need someone with accountability to close this issue.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 17 August 2007 19:58
To: 'Carlton Reservations'
Cc: 'stay@paramount-hotels.co.uk'
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

To Whom It May Concern:

I am incredibly frustrated in that I have still not received a response to this inquiry. Please respond and find resolution to my issue as soon as possible.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Monday, August 20, 2007 7:01 AM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Mr. Monkey,

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your email today and I thank you for bringing your comments to our attention. Please accept my apologies for any disappointment caused.

I have requested the hotel to investigate and respond directly to you. I will closely monitor the actions taken and the outcome of the situation.

You should receive a formal response from the hotel very shortly, which I trust will resolve any queries and answer your concerns. Should you require any further assistance in the meantime or in the future, then please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 21 August 2007 22:04
To: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Bernice,

To clarify, I've learned that by 'pants', for you Scots, I should actually be saying 'trousers'.

Coco

-----Original Message-----
From: Bernice Heard
Sent: Tuesday, August 21, 2007 5:15 PM
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Coco,

I hope you don't mind me saying, a few had a giggle, but we knew we were looking for trousers.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Best wishes,

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

-----Original Message-----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: 21 August 2007 22:39
To: Bernice Heard
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dearest Bernice,

Fair enough, but instead of giggling about my confusing underpants with slacks, perhaps you guys could, you know, actually find my trousers, and return them to me as soon as possible?!

Not to get my pants in a knot, but if you lost said knickers (which I'm assuming you did since you still have no response on the matter), I'd appreciate you coming clean on it.

At this point, I think it's fair the Carlton refund me the value of the missing britches ($100 CAD, about 50 quid) by way of cash reversal on my visa.

At the risk of lodging legging-related threats, without any remuneration for what is ultimately the Carlton's inability to clean and return a pair of longies, I will have to resort to exercising my only avenue of retaliation and post an unfavorable review of your hotel on widely-used tourist websites.

My legs and I are not looking forward to a Canadian winter without my pantaloons.

Regards,
Coco

----- Original Message -----
From: Bernice Heard
To: Monkey, Coco T.
Sent: Tue Aug 21 17:39:32 2007
Subject: RE: Missing Laundry

Dear Coco,

No disrespected intended, I have been out of the office for a couple of days, but will be back on Thursday. I am not based at the Carlton, for if I was this would have been sorted out ages ago.

I will look into finding your pantaloons in the morning again or as suggested that we get you a new pair for those legs we don't want getting cold.

Have a lovely day,

Bernice Heard
Customer Relations Manager

Please consider the environment - do you really need to print this email?

----- Original Message -----
From: Monkey, Coco T.
To: Bernice Heard
Sent: Tue Aug 21 19:31:54 2007
Subject: Re: Missing Laundry

Bernice, you cunning adversary,

Not basing yourself at the Carlton and taking the hostage longjohns away from the scene of the crime was a brilliant move, but you have no idea what you are up against. Never bet against a Canadian when pants (REAL pants) are on the line.

If I do not receive a picture of the poor legwarmers shown with a copy of today's Scotsman (so I know there isn't any funny business going on) within 30 minutes, I will be forced to disregard your wishes and hastily destroy the environment by printing a copy of this email, and will remain doing so every half hour until the situation changes, or until deforestation's ugly son, Global Warming, forces sea level rise to do my dirty work, making Arthur's seat but an island.

Check, and mate.

Coco

Instructions for snapping

2007-08-17T22:18:00.001-04:00

Not ours, from a friend's facebook post, but I felt it was so good it warranted posting. The first two comments on the page are fucking fantastic.

We Like To TIA. Don't Like It? WTF? GFY!

2007-08-16T17:28:00.000-04:00

We here at JTC (Jump To Conclusions) have a habit of doing a lot of TIA (talking in acronyms). For that reason, I felt it would be good to explain to you - our loyal reader(s) - what some of our favourite acronyms mean, so that you too can exchange "HFS" e-mail flurries with your friends and family. Here you go:

CHP - Co-Habitational Partner

You live together. You get to see each other naked. Perfect.

GFY - Go Fuck Yourself

Usually used in response to a "Why am I the only one posting on the blog?" e-mail. Frequently used as an e-mail sign-off - e.g. "GFY, JohnnyM"

GTH - Gun To Head

Used when discussing an upcoming meeting or task that will likely be excruciating - e.g. "I have an all day meeting booked with those technology guys. GTH." Frequently used in association with the following clipart:

GYEA - Greater Yonge and Eglinton Area

Prior to us all working downtown, a common meeting area for the JTC Board of Directors. Location where many of our most brilliant ideas (Human Style, anyone?) were created. Spending too much time in this area can frequently result in raging hangovers.

HFS - Holy Fucking Shit

Used to express surprise. Usually, it's not good news.

SIUYA - Shove It Up Your Ass

Used to express irritation. Can be used in conjunction with GFY.

WTF? - What The Fuck?

Used when one is feeling incredulous towards a situation - e.g. "WTF? Is someone having sex in that car?"

*F* - (First initial) Fucking (Last Initial)

Used as a code to describe hated co-workers. For example - you work with an asshole named John Smith? No you don't - you work with JFS. Considered unbreakable by most modern cryptologists.

Please feel free to start using these acronyms liberally, and leave us some comments if you see any glaring omissions. Of course, we'll probably tell you to SIUYA.

Sex in a Car

2007-08-15T19:36:00.000-04:00

Step #1: Open the car door
Step #2: Get in the car
Step#3: Start having sex

For you JTC aficionados out there, I would like to consider this post a sequel of sorts to Co-Co's classic "Condom Conundrum" post.

As many (both) of you know, each August, the area of Toronto in which I live hosts a quiet little festival called "Taste of the Danforth". Here's a picture of a few of the festival goers to give you an idea of what's going on:

Alright - so in reality, it's fucking teeming with peeps. Overflowing. And when you get that many people in a small area, there's bound to be some weird shit going down. Like last year, when someone stole a car, realized you couldn't drive through a million people, so turned onto my street, and hit my neighbour's house.

This year, me and the CHP decided that we were going to leave town for the weekend, to escape the madness, but because we're whores for Greek food, return on Sunday evening to catch the end of the event. When we returned to Toronto, we naturally couldn't find a parking spot in front of our house, so parked a couple of blocks away. As I was walking around the side of our house, unloading the car, my CHP suddenly started urgently calling my name. When I asked her what was up, she responded:

"There's someone having sex in their car directly in front of our house!"

This is not a sentence I hear every day. So I walked out to the porch, and sure enough - there were two peeps going at it in their Civic approximately 2 feet from the edge of my front lawn. I honestly didn't know how to react. Should I be outraged? Angry? In reality, I was fairly amused, and quite entertained. Similar emotions seemed to be felt by my 80 year old Greek lady neighbour, who was out on her porch enjoying the hot action.

OPA!

I have misplaced my pants

2007-08-15T11:39:00.001-04:00

So a few weeks ago I arrived in Edinburgh with the CHP after several days of hiking in the Scottish highlands, which, when travelling with a limited wardrobe, can really bring home the stink. As a result, I was looking forward to abusing the laundry service at the snazzy hotel I scored on Priceline with my rancid unmentionables.

One of the foul mentionables I handed over included a pair of pants - pants which I had planned on wearing at my next few stops in Italy. The hotel missed the 24 hour turnaround on the laundry and I had to fly out of Edinburgh without them, but with a promise from the concierge that they would be posted to my address in Canada. I said "thanks a lot, you fucking fannies", flipped him the reverse-peace-sign and kicked in a window on my way out*.

Not having received to date said pants has enraged me to the point of writing the hotel a formal complaint. While the complaint itself is not so comedic, nor is the series of events, I just wanted to share some heckling prose I just received from my CHP, who really has no concern whatsoever for my pants:

Ode to My Pants

Two legs, button,
Zipper runs straight,
Soft brown caresses,
Legs its' mate.

I packed you away,
To join my fun.
Now lost forever,
What have I done?

Oh pants - I miss you.

*Note in Scotland this sequence of events would have closely matched regular custom. In reality, I actually stuck to Canadian custom, which is to pussy out of any confrontation whatsoever and show your dissatisfaction by only being midly polite - oh man, that'll teach them.

Holy shit - I haven't posted in over 2 months

2007-07-27T19:38:00.000-04:00

Do you know that I haven't posted in over two months? Of course you do - you check the blog every day looking for your JohnnyM fix. Oh sure, CoCo has posted a few times, but let's face facts - he's trash.

Why haven't I posted in so long? Well, the reasons are numerous, but suffice to say that I've been out of the country. Fighting crime. And saving puppies.

What have I been doing with my summer? Well, let's see...I went to Scotland for two weeks. Partially because I was going to my cousin's wedding, but also to get away from yet another summer of violence on the mean streets of Toronto. In Scotland, I was greeted by peace, serenity, and a blown up terminal building:

One of the people at Glasgow airport who helped to take down one of the would-be terrorists was a baggage handler by the name of John Smeaton, who has turned into a bit of a folk hero. He has several web sites now dedicated to him, including http://www.johnsmeaton.com/. What's funny is that the first time I saw that URL, I thought that it might be a porn site dedicated to yours truly, because I read it as "john's meat on". Note to self - I need to start that porn site dedicated to myself before someone else does.

After I returned to Canada, I really have been doing fuck-all. I went to go and see the new Transformers and Harry Potter movies, because apparently, I'm a 15 year old boy. This past week, I decided that my life really wasn't hard enough, so I signed up to take part in Ironman Lake Placid next July. This will necessitate a steep decrease in my alcohol consumption, which will likely result in a fewer posts that are...you know...funny (not that I've been doing much of that lately), and a corresponding increase in posts about such fascinating topics as wetsuits, tire pressure, tubulars vs. clinchers, race nutrition, body glide, transition times, contents of special needs bagszzzzzzzz....

That said, I can't really miss the offical JTC pub crawls, so for those who have been asking, the next "cornerstone" event on the JTC calendar is happening on Sunday, November 11th, where we honour those who have died in wars protecting our freedom. Our freedom to get hammered.

Quantity - not quality,

JohnnyM

What kind of entendre said I. Double she said, so Double I did.

2007-07-18T12:17:00.000-04:00

Given my 'colleagues' aren't really doing any 'work' for our fake 'company', and hence we have no 'posts', I thought of something to fill some space. Quantity, quality - whatever.

A few years back JohnnyM and I were in New York state on a business trip, in the magical town called Binghamton. It was a real shit hole, but oddly enough has a storied history:

From 1923 to 1927 Binghamton was the Northeast headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan.
The concentration of the defense industry in the town during the cold war made it the seventh most likely area in the nation for a nuclear attack.
With 6 historic wooden carousels, Binghamton boasts itself as the carousel capital of the world.
And finally, Unlike most small American cities, Downtown Binghamton still has a full-sized department store.

Which leads me to the real reason for writing this post. While we were there, drinking in a local watering hole, the band that had been playing the requisite honky tonk shit all night suddenly broke out into this classic song, "I Used to Work in Chicago". It's now one of my favorite songs in the world. It goes like this:

I used to work in Chicago, in a department store.

I used to work in Chicago, but I don't work there anymore.

A woman asked for some gloves, "What kind of gloves, said I",

"Rubber" she said, so rub her I did.

I don't work there anymore.

The reason it's so goddamn funny is the permutations. When the song is sung, and the request word is sung (ie. "Gloves"), you are already laughing waiting for how it will be used. For instance, here is a short list of other permutations I recall:

tools, hammer she wanted, and nailed she got

drinks, liquor she wanted, and lick her I did

hardware, bolts she wanted, and my nuts she got

German airplane, Fokker she wanted, and fokker I did

A quick scan of the net shows some people have taken this to extremes, with some outright classics:

lobster thermidor she wanted, creamed clam she got

German method of coal extraction she wanted, mine shaft she got

translator she wanted, cunning linguist she got

diamond choker she wanted, pearl necklace she got

Some Shakespeare she wanted, Dickens she got!

As you can see it's quite a creative opportunity.

Well, that's really it, just wanted to share that fucking awesome song with you. Also, through writing this post, I've also been able to determine that Wikipedia is probably better than most real encyclopedias, and from the facts available there, I learned a lot about why Binghamton sucked so much ass. Also, I finally got to use Ku Klux Klan in a post. It's been a long time coming.

Tourists: Trapped

2007-07-15T16:15:00.000-04:00

In a couple of weeks I am flying in to Pisa, Italy, and promptly taking a train straight out of the city, forgoing the classic Tuscan sites around the field of miracles (such as the leaning tower). My decision is in part due to having been there before, but more importantly, I want to do whatever possible to avoid witnessing this horrendous scene again:

Here's Your Goddamn Post, Co-Co

2007-06-02T19:27:00.000-04:00

Last week, I attended a conference for work (my real job - not a conference for hilarious bloggers. Unfortunately.) I sent an e-mail to update my fellow Board of Directors of JTC regarding the conference, which included the following nugget:

"Also going on at the same hotel? The 17th Annual Canadian Breastfeeding conference. I shit you not. Let's just say there are not a lot of males attending that one. And seriously - "17th Annual"?!? "

I then received the following response from a certain "Co-Co The Monkey":

"I am fucking irate. There is material for at least 2-3 outstanding potential blog entries here. I mean, come on - we’re trying to run a fucking fake company here.

'Ok everyone, thanks for coming, and welcome to the first annual Canadian Breastfeeding Conference! I am so excited to be here, it’s been a long road. Finally Canada has a stake in the ground amongst breastfeeding conferences around the world. I’m especially excited about this year’s theme, ‘Tits out!’. We have some tremendous speakers, and I encourage you to consult the program and get your tickets early - they are going quickly. I’d like to point you to page 6 of the program, which briefly outlines Saturday’s closing events, including our keynote speaker, Deloris Abrams, who will be speaking about the challenges of public feeding and will be singing copies of her latest book ‘Booby trapped: public space versus natural needs’. I hope you all have a great weekend at the conference, and don’t forget to stop by our featured sponsor’s booth, Mother’s Milkers, for a free trial breast pump - you’ll never go back to a generic pump again.'

COME ON!"

I'm a posting machine,
JohnnyM

Time for another HR Card

2007-05-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, so here you go, suckers:

You know what's funny? The majority of e-Moron and HR cards are inspired by real life events. THAT'S funny.

Our 100th Post!

2007-05-05T07:51:00.000-04:00

Well, we've now crossed the mythical barrier that so many other blogs fail to reach by making our 100th posting. To get to 100 posts, you need a certain blend of style, work ethic, humour, alcoholism and rugged good looks. Fortunately, we have all of these in abundance.

In no particular order, we'd like to thank:
- the internet
- God
- Moosehead
- Kilkenny
- The Leafs
- The Raptors (damn you, Nets!)
- our unintentionally hilarious co-workers
- assholes on the TTC
- the makers of Moleskin notebooks
- IKEA
- man made prisons
- Co-Habitational partners (CHPs)
- JTC cornerstone events
- the Y
- the T
- acronyms

By the way reader(s), do you remember back when people used to actually comment on our posts? I do. It was awesome. Please start that shit up again.

Lunch: A Commitment I'm Just Not Comfortable With

2007-05-03T19:28:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I was invited to a work function. As I scanned the names of the people invited, I saw that a guy I went to university with was also included. I had no idea this dude worked at the same company I did (I just love corporations!), and I hadn't talked to him in the 8 years since I graduated.

Feeling much more upbeat and social than usual, I thought I would write the guy an e-mail and ask him if he'd like to go grab a coffee. E-mails were exchanged, and a mutually convenient time was picked. Then, the guy bailed on the coffee the day of, stating that he was ill. Thinking perhaps that he really had no intention of wasting 30 minutes of his life with yours truly, I told him to re-schedule our appointment at a time that was good for him. Shocking as it may be to our reader(s), it appeared that this fellow decided that he didn't want to enjoy the social ecstasy that is experienced by those who get to hang out with me, as he never replied.

Fast forward to earlier this week, when the aforementioned work function actually happened. I bumped into the guy there, and he was all, "Hey! Sorry I never got back to you on the coffee! Actually - screw coffee! Let's do LUNCH!"

Beep, beep, beep - let's back this baby up a second. I was prepared to commit to a 15 - 30 minute coffee where if the conversation lagged, I could pick up my still steaming cup, and head back to work. (And by "work", I mean "surfing the net".) If a lunch goes south, you're completely fucking trapped. I mean, if the appetizers come, and this dude starts breaking out pictures of the wife and kids and droning on about some mundane shit, it's not like I'm going to pick up my bowl of soup, and say, "Let's do this again real soon!" as I'm walking out.

Shit. And the guy actually booked the lunch too. I think it's next week. I'm fucking terrified.

A Foreign Discussion on the Flu

2007-05-02T16:30:00.000-04:00

So I woke up this morning feeling like shit, and my co-habitational partner asked if I was staying home.

CHP: “You’re not feeling well? What’s wrong?”
Coco: “Well, I think I’m hot blooded. Here - check it and see,” (passes over thermometer) “I got a fever of a hundred and three.”
CHP: “Come on baby, do you do more than dance?”
Coco: “What?”
CHP: “I’m hot blooded, I’m hot blooded!”
Coco: “Are you making fun of me?”
CHP: “Now it’s up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous.”
Coco: “Where – I don’t really feel like leaving the house.”
CHP: “Just me and you, I’ll show you lovin’ like you never knew.”
Coco: “You don’t understand – I really don’t feel like it. Because I’m hot blooded. Check it and see.”
CHP: “If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night.”
Coco: “Well, I’m staying home from work today for sure.”
CHP: “Shall I leave you my key?”
Coco: “Sure, but I’ll be upstairs in bed, so when you get home, you’ve got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign.”
CHP: “Is my timing right? did you save your love for me tonight?”
Coco: “Yeah. I’m hot blooded, check it and see. Feel the fever burning inside of me.”

Update / Crazy Golfers

2007-04-29T14:48:00.000-04:00

So, let's face facts - April was not a banner month for the JTC blog. Only 7 posts in the month (including this one), with 5 of those happening in the first 10 days. Things have definitely been a tad quiet over the last few weeks, so we'll see if we can't get the old posting output up a little to satisfy our faithful reader(s). Kudos to Co-Co for sending PChrist and myself scolding e-mails for our lack of posts. (Not really - GFY, Co-Co)

And I mean really - I should have a ton of material...I'm leaving work early (and by "early", I mean "6:15pm") every day to come home and shoot up my parents' diabetic cat. There have been all sorts of jokes about problems finding veins, strapping a belt to his arm, etc., etc. The photos I could set-up alone would be pure gold. Ah well...

In other news, last weekend I played my first round of golf for the year. I could only find two friends who were available to play, which always makes me nervous, because there's always a chance we might be grouped up with a "single" golfer to round out our foursome. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't like other people (actually, that's a lie - I don't), it's just that people who are single golfers invariably turn out to be fucking nut jobs.

They're not the type of nut jobs you would see on the TTC (now, THERE'S an idea for another post), you know - dirty, urine-soaked clothes, etc. They're far more dangerous, because they APPEAR to be normal. They're all, "Hi! You fellas don't mind if I join you, do you?" And while you want to reply, "Actually, I do mind. Why don't you have any friends? Alarm bells are ringing over here, buddy." You instead reply, "Of course not!"

Then, after 2 - 3 holes, you realize that you've committed to spending the next 4 hours with a raging psychopath. The dude we were golfing with last weekend alternated between screaming at his putts ("GET IN THERE, YOU LITTLE PRICK!") and screaming at his drives ("I GOT A HOLD OF THAT ONE!") It was all very relaxing. After the round, we got to enjoy him screaming at the Raptors game on the TV in the clubhouse.

I feel this whole phenomenon of crazy single golfers raises an interesting question: Are single golfers crazy because they golf by themselves? Or are they golfing by themselves because they're crazy? Riddle me THAT. If anyone out there wants to give me about $1 million in research funds, I will commit to getting to the bottom of this mystery.